Today, I turn 40.

So, as everyone who actually knows me knows, today, October 7th, is my 40th birthday.

I certainly don't feel 40 in my mind. Heck, mentally I think I'm still about 12 years old. Maybe 16. Absolutely not 40.

Physically, well...that's a totally different story. I think I'm about 80 in the physical feeling sense. I'm getting better (thank you Lyrica!) and I'm working on it but...I'm still all owie when I move, sit, stand, sleep, breathe...

But I digress.

Today, I turn 40. I've lived the past 20 years in a sort of haze and when I think back to my 20th birthday, I wonder just who that girl is that I was. I'm not her anymore even though I sort of miss the her I used to be.

I miss the "up for anything"ness that she had, the joie de vive, the passion for making others happy. I miss all the friendships that she had, the fun and the freedom.

But I don't miss many aspects of her. Things that I have changed in the past 20 years. I am wiser, a bit more knowledgeable in the ways of the world, not as much of a push over...

However, I'm not satisfied with myself. I feel like I've totally wasted the past 20 years. "If I'd only..." sits in my mind, on my lips, in my waking thought.

"If I'd only kept up losing the weight I lost back in '96..."

"If I'd only left that job sooner and taken the other one offered to me..."

"If I'd only watched my money better..."

"If I'd only..."

And yet, so much has changed in 20 years. All 4 of us kids have gotten married, one divorced and married again and another just divorced (so far!). Kids have been born and even a great nephew has come into my life. I'm a Godmother 4 times over. I've gotten married and have accepted that I really am NOT parent material. (LOL)

I've taught Sunday School for longer than these 20 years and I've come to know many kids who, I hope, will always be "my kids" my friends. I've lost good friends and gained others. I've lost parts of me that I never wanted to lose and don't know how to retrieve.

I've seen the death of my beloved Grandpa W, of my first boy-cat, TarBaby, of other much loved kitties...Baby Bo, Rascal, Emmy, Clio and my most beloved Oscar. I've witnessed death of others in my job in the ER. Seen the crashing of lives, the uplifting of others at a birth or death turned away.

And I've faced death myself. I think part of my still feeling like a "child" in my mind is that, I don't want to feel death pressing down on me. I don't want to wake up when I'm 60 and think "well hell, another 20 years wasted!" I don't want to waste these precious years that God has given me.

Now, I just have to figure out what all that means.

And really, today I turn, not just 40 but 4. 4 years ago, I almost died in the Emergency Room. I bled out...I was on the verge of death. The ER Doc didn't know if I'd survive the trip to a city hospital but he knew, without a doubt, I wouldn't survive if they admitted me to the small County hospital where I was.

I keep getting bits and pieces of that day told to me. It still frightens me and somehow it sorta pisses me off. LOL I mean, I was THATCLOSE to going HOME.

But it wasn't time. God has plans for me. I don't know what they are but I do know that they do NOT involve wasting these next 20, 40, and (who knows) maybe 60 years left to me. I refuse to waste them.

So, as I turn both 4 and 40, I pray that God will show me the way. That He will continue to bring me back from my health downturn and help me to live strong.

Because, without Him, I am nothing. With Him? I am everything.

Been awhile, huh?

There really isn't much to report. Just had some thoughts aired on the local news last night. It was pretty cool. Would have been cooler if I'd have been watching and hadn't just heard it from Mom. LOL

Other than that, Nothing new is under my sun. Going with M to get my eyes tested tomorrow. I'm having trouble seeing the computer screen. Have to squint. Same with the TV. Stupid eyes! I can't lose you! How would I read??

am I getting somewhere?

So I've been referred to a pain management specialist. Something called a PM&R which stands for Physical Medicine & Rehabilitation. The new Doc is REALLY nice and I finally feel like someone (besides M and Mom and Dad) is taking my pain complaints seriously.

I had an MRI last Thursday and I go for an EMG on the 10th of August. After that, I see the Doc again and we go over the test results. I'm praying it's nothing worse than fibromyalgia. Of course, if it's something that's MORE than fibro but is FIXABLE, that would be okay too.

But I'm pretty much thinking it's fibro. I have all the symptoms, the pain trigger points and things of that nature. I don't sleep and I have some MAJOR depression going on lately.

But Mom gave me a bunch of papers about fibro and there's a support group that meets near here that I might check out. It would be nice to have some support other than my husband and parents.

K-sis made me laugh yesterday. We were having lunch and they were having burgers. (I had a chicken sandwich) She wanted pickles to go on the sandwich so she went looking for them. None in the 'fridge so Mom went to the pantry. Brought out a jar of them. K-sis looked at the expiration date and about had a heart attack. 1996 or something like that.

But they were pickles! Pickles don't go bad. She wouldn't listen to us so Grandma and I both ate some. They were squishy, as old pickles tend to get, but they tasted fine. K-sis said "when you have diarrhea I can say I told you so." and Mom said "Do you think she'd admit it to you?" We laughed and K-sis said "I bet she'd blame it on her sickness!" I giggled and said "well, at least being chronically sick has it's uses!" We started teasing her saying things like "here, have a burger! It's only 15 minutes old" and things like that. She's so much fun. I miss her when she's not here even though we aren't CLOSE like she and M-K-youngest's wife. Heck she and K-youngest are closer. But, since we don't really have much in common other than being sisters, I understand.

Other than that, there isn't much going on with me. Millie and Mia continue to delight and frustrate me. They're sweet babies and love to cuddle up when we go to bed. Xander and Willow are my sweetiekins. I adore them.

Diabetes update

Woo Hoo! Got my A1c back yesterday, 5.9!!! I'm so excited about that.

In other health news, I'm scheduled to see a PM&R doc on Monday. I'm looking forward to it. I really want to stop hurting.

Other than that, life has just been life. I've been having a couple of good days (pain wise) so I took advantage of it today and cleaned and tried out a few yoga videos. I'm trying to break my internet addiction. At least, some of it. LOL

Okay, off to bed.

How I deal with my diabetes

There seems to be some…confusion? Consternation? Judgmental idiocy?... concerning how I handle my diabetes. Of course, all of this could have been avoided if, just IF, the people all “concerned” about me would have just ASKED and not ASSUMED and JUDGED based on their perceived notions of just what I do for my diabetes care.

1. I lie about my numbers when they’re high.

In fact, I do NOT lie about my numbers. I don’t omit them out of “fear” or “to be shifty” or “shy” about them. I’m more than willing to talk about my numbers to anyone who actually asks about them. When I’m dealing with a “friend” who seems to need to talk about their numbers rather than pay attention to what *I* happen to be saying, I do the RIGHT thing and pay attention to them. I pretty much have a sieve for a brain these days so, if I forget to mention them AFTER the other conversation ends, well then just sue me and tell me “forget the whole damn thing” ‘cause apparently, I’m just a lying bitch who’s trying to get your goat and snow you on how I’m really doing.

2. I rely only on my medication for my diabetes care

Yeah. Right. And pink bunnies poof out of my ass every time I fart. I may not be able to be as active as some people are but I AM active. I do what needs to be done and damn the pain. I’ve learned to live with constant debilitating pain for the last three years. What the hell would make this any different? So I don’t walk out in the noonday sun with a dog jaunting merrily by my side. But I DO have things that I do. Just because I don’t do things YOUR way doesn’t mean I’m wrong or lazy. It doesn’t mean that I rely only on my medications to keep my glucose in check. I have my routine. I eat my meals when I’m supposed to eat, I take my meds, I do my chores, I try to get some exercise in everyday even if it hurts. Especially because I know what exercise does for me. I know it’s really the key to everything.

3. I want to be off meds but I say I love my meds

Truthfully, I do love my meds. They are the ONLY thing that has ever made me feel “normal” in regards to my eating and weight loss. I tried the no meds thing. I failed miserably. Over and over and over again.

You see, this whole “diabetes” thing isn’t all that new to me. I had the precursor, Insulin Resistance. So I got the books and I studied them, I talked with my Doctors (yep, plural!) about what I was doing and not doing, I did Weight Watchers and exercised every day.

And I failed. Over and over and over again. I just absolutely can not do it without my meds.

That doesn’t stop me from wishing it were different. Hell, I wish I didn’t have cancer and could grow more hair to cover up the fucking bald spot I have gratis of the IR. I can’t do anything about those either. So, wishing doesn’t make it better. Actually doing the things that MAKE it better, makes it better.

For me, that includes taking my “damn Byetta”. I say that with my tongue firmly in my cheek. Yeah the shit makes me nauseated…hell it’s a higher dose than I’m used to taking. Of course it’s going to make me nauseated. Until I get used to it. Oh and if I actually remember to take it 30 minutes before I eat. If I take it right before I eat, I get nauseated. I know this and sometimes have to suck it up and deal with it.

And look! This “friend” actually *GASP* asked me a question regarding my diabetes care? Of course, the question was snarky. Duh! Of course I’m not resigning myself to the “misery”. I KNOW what’s what. I KNOW that I fucked up and took it too late. And I resigned myself to knowing that, next time, I’d try to do better.

Realizing that this isn’t a game, it’s not something I have to do until I “get better”, that this is for LIFE, is pretty much a part of who I am now. It’s not like I’m a stranger to it.

4. I don’t handle my diabetes correctly.

My “friend” seems to think that they are the be all and end all of diabetes care management. “Friend” is wrong. I do what my Doctors (yep, plural again!), my Dietitian and my Diabetes Educator say I’m to do. MY numbers seem “wrong” to “friend”. Well DUH! They’re *MY* numbers! “FRIEND’S” numbers are going to be different. They’ll be in the ball park but they’re still going to be different.

Diabetes isn’t a “one size fits all” disease. It’s different for every human being that has the sad misfortune to have it. Everyone of us needs to learn how their diabetes effects them and how to make their life work, not around the diabetes, but with the diabetes.

For some, that means hard work with diet and exercise. I totally applaud those who can do it this way. I do hope that, one day, with the help of my meds, I can eventually get to the place where diet and exercise will work better than the meds. But that’s in the future.

Today I’m focusing on what I CAN do. I CAN take my meds. I CAN watch what I eat. I CAN be more active. It’s going to take time for me. I’m dealing with MUCH MORE than just the damn diabetes.

5. My conclusion.

I’m tired. I’m tired of this worthless body breaking down on me every time I turn around.

I’m tired of being afraid of my birthday, wondering just what’s going to happen THIS year.

I’m tired of being in constant pain. Of HAVING to take pain medication every single day JUST so I can get out of bed.

I’m tired of being treated like I’m a child. Like I don’t know what is right for ME. (yes I’m looking at YOU “friend”.)

I’m tired of people talking down to me instead of accepting that I am, actually, an intelligent ADULT human being. Not someone who is slow and doesn’t understand basic concepts let alone complex ones.

I’m tired of being scared of my body. Of each new twinge or stab. Thinking that “shit, what if this is the one…”

I’m tired of waking up at night, scared out of my mind thinking that I’ve been buried alive because I actually didn’t survive the trip to the ER that cold October morning.

I’m tired of being tired.

And most of all, I’m tired of having to defend myself to people who want to impose all of their “knowledge” onto me instead of thinking, “hey, she’s a big girl now! Why don’t I ask her how she deals with things instead of thinking she’s “special” and imposing MY point of view on her.”

So let’s just say I’m going to live my life the way I know how to live it. If you have a HELPFUL suggestion (that means DO NOT FUCKING LECTURE ME) I’d be glad to hear it. And I reserve the right to say “No, thank you.” And continue on my way.

so much for everyday

So I haven't posted in quite awhile. It's been one of those years here at Casa de Strawberry.

Aggie is still missing and, while my heart is healing a bit, I miss her just as much today as I did the night she went on walkabout. Little stinker.

Been trying to get M to agree to adopting 3 kittens from the shelter. They are the SWEETEST babies and, really, Xander NEEDS playmates. He's bored and drives me nuts in the morning when he thinks Mommy should be up and playing instead of sleeping like normal people. And by morning I mean 3 am.

M and I were in an auto accident in May. I still have the bruises on my boob and chest. Those were particularly nasty ones. My chest still hurts as does my back and sides. ER Doc only x-rayed my right hand and wrist, which coincidentally didn't bruise and wasn't the thing that hurt the worst on me. (That would have been my back and OTHER arm...where the bruise was. Oh, and the chest. Where the bruise on my rib was.) So Dr D sent me for more x-rays and let me know that I wasn't really broken from the accident.

However, because I'm me and nothing in my life can ever go easily, I have some very severe degeneration of my bones in my back, spine and ribs and hips. I knew it was coming, I just figured it would happen later rather than sooner.

So I'm getting along as much as I can. M is the most perfect husband ever by understanding when I can't do as much as I feel I should. HE is the one that keeps telling me to "take it easy. None of this is going anywhere." He's my good Bunny Hon.

Blood sugars are coming up more normal than they've been since just before the accident. I think I'm stressing much less and I'm also not comfort eating. I do need to step up the exercise even more but, it would be SO much easier if I had a pool where I could do the exercises without more joint damage. Work out a day and am in pain for 4 days after that. I know that eventually the pain will lessen...a bit...but I also know that my joints and other bones are just disintegrating because of all that very high does radiation I "suffered" back with the cancer. And don't forget the poison...I mean chemo. *sigh*

God's going to get me through this. He has a purpose for all this pain. Even if it's just letting me be a humped backed old lady who can still praise Him in spite of her pain. I can do it.

But only with Him.

Depression truly sucks

It's been 4 weeks since Aggie was lost. I've pretty much given up hope that she'll ever come home. Maybe she will and maybe she won't. I just wish she was here now.

I'm so depressed I can barely move. I don't know how to talk about it. I don't know to whom I can talk about it. I try to talk with M but he's on his own kick about something...I don't know what...can't really figure it out...

He tries to listen and to console and to help...but it doesn't help. It just makes me more depressed.

I went out in the sun today to try and help lift the depression but...it worked for about 20 minutes and then I was right back to where I was before the "exposure".

Trying to talk to Mom about it would just return to "well you need to trust God". Um duh? *G*

I do trust God for everything. I talk to Him about the depression and what I can do about it but...it seems everlasting. I just can't shake it.

I want to talk with BF about it (and yes, I know you're reading this) but she's going through so much right now...I just find it hard to lay stuff on her. She's so depressed and hurting that it just seems wrong to dump on her. It makes me feel all competent 'n stuff. NOT. LOL

But. Depression sucks. It hurts. It reeks.

She's still missing

It's been a week and 2 days now. Still no Aggie. Still no sign.

I miss her. I miss her snuggling on my hip at night, the way she'd poke on M's belly. That far away look in her eye, the way she'd sleep with her face "planted".

And I struggle with thoughts of "why God?"

I pray He brings her home soon. It stormed tonight so...maybe she'll be looking for Mommy and Daddy.

Gads I miss her.

Ranting

It's 6:30 am here and I haven't been to sleep.

I don't even know what I came in here to say. I'm pretty much a mess right now. Every molecule in my body aches to hold Aggie right now. To pet on her and to play fetch with her. Even to have her flick water from her water bowl onto my freshly cleaned mirror.

We're considering hiring a pet detective. I have ads in all over the place. I don't know anything else to do.

And yet...I feel so helpless. And if I'm honest, I feel like God isn't even listening to me. Which I know, deep down, isn't true...but sometimes I really REALLY hate that He won't talk to us directly anymore. Just doesn't seem fair. All those Old Testament guys got to talk to God...sometimes even FACE TO FACE! *WE* are stuck with a Book.

I KNOW I'm ranting and raving. I KNOW that that Book is wonderful and full of wisdom and love and peace and...and...and...

But sometimes you NEED to have that face to face conversation. Sometimes all the Scripture in the world doesn't HELP. You need to have HIS arms PHYSICALLY around you. To HEAR HIS voice telling you that it's going to be okay.

I mean...HE IS GOD for heaven's sake!!! WHY can't HE just do what I want this time? Right now? Ease my pain. Heal my broken heart. Wipe away my tears. Why do I have to sit by and spout things like "He'll take care of us. Even if Aggie never comes back, it'll be okay..."

Bull. It WON'T be okay. It DOESN'T make me feel better. He feels so dang far away right now. I've prayed. I've confessed. I've asked for guidance and faith and healing...

and I hurt. Darn it. I HURT. I want to scream all sorts of obscenities and flip the bird to the heavens and break things and throw things and punch things. To punch Him, if I'm completely honest.

Some of you reading this might be thinking "sheesh, Kae! It's just a cat! People are losing their HUMAN children everyday and you're going on and on and on about a dang cat. Get a GRIP!"

But my cats aren't "just" cats. They're my family. They're the ones that greet me every morning, curl up with me every night. The ones that make me laugh and cry and yell and scold and praise...they're my children. My friends. My companions.

And I've lost 3 of them in the last 3 years. Clio, Emmy and Oscar. It hasn't even been a whole year since Oscar has been gone. I've only just taken down the last IV bag from the bathroom lights where I put it so I could have easy access when Oscar needed his fluids.

Now Aggie is missing and my heart is being ripped from my chest and shredded yet again. And I feel like, if He really loved me, if He really wanted me to be happy and joyful and whatever, He would get off his butt and make everything all better. To *poof* Aggie back into my arms, safe, sound, protected.

There are coyotes out there. Yes, even in Ohio we have coyotes. My parent's cat barely escaped one. Aggie has no teeth. I'm so scared for her.

I feel like I should delete this. To not even post it at all. But I'm going to post it. I need you all to read it. I need my friends to hear me. I need you guys to pray hard for me. Not just about Aggie, but about everything I've said above. I feel so scared that, even as I've spoken everything He already knows and He can handle, He'll be mad at me...

And I need someone, anyone, to tell me that's not true. To hold my hand, even if it's metaphorically, and to remind me of all His promises.

Because I'm just not getting it right now. And that makes me saddest of all.

She's still missing

And I'm still going out of my mind.

I put ads on Craigslist and Petfinder.com. I put an ad in the Community Journal. We'll be making posters later today (it's 5 am. I can't sleep) I'm going to get my SS kids...well, my former SS kids, they're now just my friends...to help me make the posters. We're going to put out leaflets and I'm going to knock on doors with her picture.

But I had a horrible thought. There are COYOTES OUT THERE. They're mean! And they EAT KITTIES.

Oh God! Please please please don't let Aggie get hurt by a coyote!

PLEASE BRING HER HOME!!!!

Aggie is missing

We've looked all over for her. I've shaken the food bags, rattled the gooshy food dishes, called for her...we can't find her.

We've looked outside. Stupid flashlight gives out and I can't find my damn batteries. I KNOW I have batteries...I just bought a huge pack of them...but where they hell they've gotten to? I have no clue.

I'm so angry over this. I KNOW I don't have any reason to be angry but...

As much as I don't want to say it, I feel like it's Mike's fault. I KNOW it's not but...he's so in tune with the damn universe and yet he doesn't notice a freaking thing.

But, the rational part of me KNOWS that he didn't MEAN to not see Aggie slip out.

He's not even fucking awake right now. I've been sitting here for hours watching the glass door waiting to see her little head pop up and for her to meow and say "Mommy! Daddy! I've missed you! I'm home!"

And he's asleep. He's been asleep since 11pm. How the crap can he sleep when I'm crying my heart out, bone deep sobs, longing for my kitty cat to just COME. HOME.

Oh God. I hurt. I want my baby home. I want her HERE. She...she can't take care of herself out there! She doesn't have any TEETH!!!

I need her. I can't...I can't lose her this close to losing Oscar.

I just want to scream at God and Mike and some more at Mike and some more at God. I want to scream GOD DA***!!!!!!!!! until my lungs burst and I don't have to FEEL anymore.

I'm so TIRED of pain. So very fucking tired of it all. Dammit! WHY IS SHE GONE? WHERE DID SHE GO? WHY ME? WHY HER? WHY, GOD, WHY????

GIVE HER BACK TO ME NOW!

Just go away already!

Look, I know you're alone now and I know that you don't think you did anything wrong. But you did. You threatened my life, threatened my husband, my marriage, my family, my cats and my Church. All because you didn't get your way. All because I took away your "free" phone that we were letting you use...but which you apparently COULDN'T use to call and tell me you couldn't make it over which precipitated this entire...fight, blow up...whatever.

So suck it up. I'm tired of your bullshit. I'm tired of you calling out my Christianity when I do something human. Or when I do something that YOU don't like. Or you want to start a fight so you can have the pleasure of yelling at someone.

I'm tired of being your doormat. Of being your ATM. Of being anything at all to you. I'm tired of it. I don't deserve it.

I didn't deserve to have you tell me that my "fat ass" was causing all your car troubles. That because I'm fat, your car needs more work.

I didn't deserve to have you lump me in with your low life, scum sucking, crack headed, whore ex girlfriends. I didn't deserve to have you tell me that you were going to "take care of ALL you BITCHES".

I didn't deserve to have you try and make me feel guilty by you threatening to feed your cats antifreeze. You are damn lucky I didn't call Animal Control right then and there. I should have. YOU don't deserve those sweet cats. But I don't want them to suffer the sleepy shot. Unless they'd be better off. And you'd better believe I'll be making sure they're okay. I have my ways.

You feel so entitled that you screamed at me because M and I are good responsible pet parents and we make sure our cats have food BEFORE we go out and buy things for ourselves. We didn't buy a $600 TV and an expensive computer BEFORE spaying and neutering the 10 or so cats you've "taken in". Not to mention the fact that we buy our litter before we buy anything for ourselves.

But no, YOU thought that M and I should feed your cats and provide them litter while you spent all your money on computers and TVs and...*gasp* dope. I'm not stupid. I know you're still getting high and stoned off the prescription drugs and marijuana. Like I said, you don't deserve those sweet cats.

Especially poor Tessa. She doesn't deserve to be hurting the way you are LETTING her hurt. I am so angry with you right now for texting to try and guilt me into being your friend again because the poor sweetie is dying. Dying because YOU are too much of a fucking asshole to take her to the vet. You shit. You piece of spooge. I have half a mind to come over there and forcibly take her away from you and give her the home she deserves.

Just go away already. Leave me alone. I'm done with you. I've tried my best to be a good friend to you for 27 freaking years. And all you've done is crap on me.

It's over. FOAD

Computers and Scents and friends OH MY!

So, the perfumes are selling...not quite like hotcakes but really well considering. Thanks to all who have been so very generous as to take the unable to be loved scents off to new and loving homes!

My computer has been felled with a virus. M swears it was just spyware but I don't agree. Thankfully he's the bestest guy ever and he's made everything just like new! Lurve my hun bun!

and friends. *sigh* Well, former friends. Why can't he just get it through his thick head that I don't want him in my life anymore? Our friendship is over after what he did to me and said to me.

More later.

Scents for Sale

Here is a list of the scents I'm selling. These don't work on me and need kind, loving homes where they will be appreciated and adored. Or at least where they'll inspire mucho purchases from the companies they're from. *G*

Shipping will be $3 for imps alone or $4 for bottles alone and bottle and imp combos. Prices are as marked. I can take Paypal just ask for my user name. I'm not good at shipping outside the country, but can try if need be.


IMP LIST

All imps, droplettes, posettes and cupcakes $1

BPAL

O **pending**
Dragon’s Reverie
Saturnalia
Muse (label stained)
Ophelia (label stained)
Versailles
The Coiled Serpent
Delirium (label curled and stained)
Eternal (label stained and damaged. Still legible)
Penthus (very slight stain on label)
Greed
Verdandi
Gaueko (label bent)
Pumpkin V 07 (decant)
Blood Kiss


Mythos Mixtures imps

Fire Boil
Valkyrie
The Mythos
Tussie Mussie (LE Yule 08)
Pear Tree (LE Yule 08)


Happy Housewife Cupcakes

Day of the Dead x 2 (one black cap, one white cap)
Dirty Jack
Archaefructis
Fractal Dance (some label stain)
Sail on, Silvergirl
Synesthia
Sinflower
The Wind

Natural Rituals

Vanilla Mocha Perfume Oil

Possets (all oil stained labels due to poor shipping)

Lambs
Fabienne
Frolic
Naples Yellow
Gingerbread Crackhouse
Gingerbread Whorehouse x 2
Junie
Midnight at Old St. Mary’s
The Girls…Posset
Hyde Park x 2
Over the Rhine
The Girls…Clubbing
Fluox Tine
Flossing
Orion
Id
The Girls…Pink Pepper
Eve
Lamp Black

Misc companies

Sedona – Mother Earth elixir
Nocturne Alchemy – Asp Venom
Cobalt Blends – Among the Holly
Woobie Bath – Mai Tai Waterfall

Bottles

All bottles priced as marked.

BPAL

Desire (cobalt bottle) $10
Sticky Pillowcase (08 Samhain full, tested cleanly once) $15
Hay Moon 08 $15
Irrelevant and…Crawdad Dream (Forum only LE 8/08) $15

Possets

Penelope (opened once to sniff) $8
Titanium White (opened only to sniff) $8
Brownian Motion x 2 (one tested once, other still closed.) $8 each
Depression x 2 (one tested once, other still closed) $8 each
Ghost Fart (tested once. Label stained.) $5
Girls Love…Limeys $8
Boom Boom (label stained) $7
Ohio (label stained) $7
High Tea (label stained) $7

Cremoso

Anointing oil – Howling Forever $ 8

Cobalt Blends

Irish Cream Tea $9 (tested cleanly once)

Pixie Potions

Bonfire – (tested cleanly once) $9 LE Samhain 08
Vampyre (opened to smell) $9 LE Samhain 08
Zombie Queen (opened to smell) $9 LE Samhain 08

Arcana

Poison Candy LE Samhain 08 (tested once cleanly) $10

Mythos Mixtures

Cute Sidekick (opened to smell only) $9 LE Epic Quest

Blooddrop

Cobwebs (opened only to smell) $9 LE Halloween 08
L’Shana Tova $9
Broomstick $9
There Wolf $9 (kooked out cinema LE)*
There Castle $9 (kooked out cinema LE)*
*(Both of the above going to one home? $17)

Childhood is slowly fading away...

This morning, I learned that one of the "icons" of my childhood had passed away. Uncle Al wasn't a real Uncle, he wasn't really a "friend". But he was a part of my childhood.

I was on TV quite a bit in my childhood. At least once a year. It was never a big deal, anyone could get on if they had the tickets and Mom always made sure that we got to do it. I remember it as being fun and we got to sing and watch the actors and see what it was like being "on set". Uncle Al and Captain Wendy were always super nice and I still love Mama's cookies. If I can find them. I think they went out of business again. *sigh* Barq's is still my favorite root beer. I remember we'd all have name tags shaped like Uncle Al's bow tie and we'd get those marshmallow "ice cream" cones and we'd stand in line waiting to go in to the studio. I even had a "star" spot one time when I was picked to hold the flag on Flag Day.

One thing I do remember is that, unlike shows today, Uncle Al and Wendy ended every program with a prayer. Both sung and spoken...

"Help me, God, to love you more,
Than I ever did before,
In my work and in my play,

Please be with me through the day,
Thank you for the friends we meet,
Thank you for the food we eat,
Thank you for the birds that sing,
Thank you, God, for everything!"

And it was a great time. Uncle Al...I can't remember ever hearing a bad thing about the man. He was a legend here in Cincinnati. He was a pioneer for good Children's television. There just aren't enough people like Uncle Al and Captain Wendy anymore.

Ala-kazam one, Ala-kazam two, Ala-kazam three, and POOF!!

I'll miss you, Uncle Al. Thanks for all the great times.

Major sale

I'm getting ready to sell off a TON of my perfumes from my favorite companies. I love these companies but these perfumes just aren't working for me so I want to let them go to new homes where they will be loved.

Watch my blog for the list! Coming soon!

You, Mr. President, are NOT what you say you are.

Back before Obama became a Presidential Candidate, I saw him on the Oprah show. He had just been elected Jr Senator for IL and, as I half listened to the show, (can't remember what else I was doing at the time) he sounded sincere and like someone I wanted to know more about. I even considered, just from hearing him speak on Oprah, to vote Democrat if he were ever a Candidate.

Thank goodness I did my homework. The man is a sham. He's already shown, in less than a month of Presidency, that he has no freaking clue what he's doing. That his morals are so beneath what he proclaimed them to be on the campaign trail. That he's so dang stupid about his "choices" for key cabinet positions. Honestly Mr. President? Not one, not two but three (and probably more) choices of people who, state that to be a good patriotic American, one has a DUTY to pay their taxes...and then the do NOT PAY THEIR TAXES? You think that these people, who apparently have the commonsense of a Canadian Goose flying into an engine turbine of a jet, would make good contributions to our country? People who have demonstrated time and again that what's sauce for the goose ("regular" Americans) certainly isn't sauce for THEM.

Look, Zippy, it's this clear. Stop thinking that you're the savior of the world. You're not. You don't have a clue on how to handle the "economic crisis" that we're going through. You're going to spend us into a Depression far worse than FDR sent us into. You're going to cost MILLIONS of INNOCENT people their jobs with the pork that you're tossing into this spending bill. You're giving in to the ridiculous mind-set that has overtaken the American people. That it doesn't matter what you do, you're not responsible for your actions. Someone else (usually the good taxpayers...Conservatives) will clean it up for you. Need a house? Can't pay for it? Oh, that's okay, we'll give you one and then, when you get kicked out because...well golly gee you can't pay!...we'll lambaste the EVIL corporations for "stealing" your RIGHTS! Shame upon them!

Give it a break, Zippy. It's not the corporation's fault that these people are losing their homes. It's GOVERNMENT'S fault for pressuring mortgage companies into providing bigger mortgages than people could reasonably pay for. It's people's fault for living in a never ending cycle of debt. As Michelle Malken says "Why should my (or in my case my husband's) tax dollars go to feed the housing entitlement beast?"

My husband works HARD for his money and I work hard keeping our house so that he doesn't have to worry about the "little things" and can concentrate on doing his very best at work. I think we should ALL refuse to participate in Zippy the wonder president's "redistribution" plan. I have compassion for the poor. But I don't want to hand them the fish for the day. I want to teach them to fish for the future.

Rather than spend billions (gasp) on welfare programs that do nothing but perpetuate the problem into the 3rd and even 4th and 5th generations, why can't our Government look for ways to help retrain the people who are losing their jobs, like the auto workers, for other jobs that will bring them back to where they should be. Proud of who they are and what they work towards.

But that's too easy for the Liberal, Socialist, Marxist, Obama. He wants YOU to work for THEM. Heck with YOUR children's college tuition. Heck with YOUR retirement fund. You have to give up just about everything that you've worked for over your lifetime for those who feel entitled to have exactly what you have. Not that they want to work for it...oh no...they want YOU to just GIVE it to them. Or more specifically, for the Government to TAKE it from YOU and GIVE it to THEM.

To quote Ms Malkin again "Home ownership is not an entitlement. Credit is not a civil right. Your property-value preservation is not my problem. Can I get an "Amen!"?"

Byetta and the Ins company

As many of my friends know, I've been fighting with Humana over getting an authorization for the Type 2 Diabetes drug, Byetta. They say that my numbers are "too good" for me to qualify but they're not realizing that my numbers are the result of me being ON the Byetta in the first place.

Anyway, Monday I went to talk with my Doctor (who is totally behind me in this) about options. I figured I'd get myself all loaded up with facts (and I'm hell on the research!) and present them to her. Then I thought that there might be people searching for help in getting Byetta approved for themselves and I decided to post my reasons I NEED the Byetta.

Why I need the Byetta

1. We know that it works. And it works without side effects.

2. The test results that were sent to the insurance company were from when I was on the Byetta. If that’s what they’re judging the authorization on, then they need to realize that those numbers are because of the Byetta

3. Without the Byetta, I am constantly hungry with HORRIBLE cravings for junk, I’m irritable, more depressed (last Friday I had a very bad episode), constantly thirsty to the point where I can hardly sleep because I’m either getting up for water or to urinate. My 30 day average blood glucose was 130+

4. When I was on the Byetta, I could feel my life getting better. My depression lessened considerably, I had more energy and was sleeping MUCH better than I have in years. I never woke with a headache as I have been doing since being off the Byetta. (every morning) I had weight loss but, compared to the depression lifting and the increased energy, that’s almost insignificant to me. (Not that I don’t love that side effect!)

5. Because of the constant hunger even after eating a big meal, I think that there might be something else that the Byetta is treating other than just the blood glucose. It’s like my “hungry switch” is turned off and I actually feel FULL. Something I haven’t felt in well over a decade. For the first time in my life, I’ve actually FORGOTTEN to eat! I’ve never EVER had that happen!

6. It’s easier to make the correct choices for health when you’re not ravenously hungry all the time.

7. My A1C had a HUGE drop while on the Byetta.

8. I don’t want to futz around trying this drug or that drug. I don’t have TIME to do that since I’m not yet 5 years past my last chemo and the chances of my cancer coming back increases with my higher blood glucose numbers. It’s not a game to me. It really IS my life!

9. I was able to exercise for the first time in a long while! The energy coming back helped that! With the depression lifting, I was able to take care of things that I would just not have the energy or motivation to do.

10. Metformin alone just doesn’t work for me. From reading journal articles and talking with my Diabetes Educator (Nurse Cheryl Angel), I know that my insulin “switch” doesn’t go “off” which makes the hunger even worse.

11. I know that people are taking this for the wrong reasons (for weight loss instead of diabetes control) but that’s not why I want it. I don’t want to lose my feet, legs, eyesight.

12. In regards to my eyesight, I already have been diagnosed with pre-glaucoma. (Diagnosed by Dr John Cohen at Cincinnati Eye Institute 4/08) I don’t want to lose my eyesight and, if my numbers stay up, I’m afraid of that happening.

13. I do NOT want to try ANY insulin. Insulin causes weight gain and, frankly if what Dr Collins says goes, I make too much anyway. Also, I don’t want the risk of low blood glucose episodes. Especially since I am alone all day (10 – 15 hours a day) and have no one that could help me should I have an episode.

14. I don’t understand why the insurance company doesn’t want to approve this for me. Isn’t coughing up an approval now better than them having to pay even MORE for diabetes related complications in the future?

15. Crazy thing, probably not related, but my menopause symptoms got somewhat better while on the Byetta. I didn’t have as many hot flashes as I’ve been having over the past month and a half.

16. Amaryl is right out because of the warfarin I’m on.

17. Avandia has been shown to cause more fractures in women taking it. Combined with my menopause and the radiation therapy, this doesn’t seem like a very good option.

18. Just reading the information on the other diabetes drugs that could be “suggested” show that they’re used “In conjunction with diet and exercise.” I have no problem with that. I WANT to diet and exercise. HOWEVER, I think, over the years I’ve been a patient of Dr Dolensky’s, I’ve shown that diet and exercise don’t help because I’M ALWAYS HUNGRY.

19. OH YEAH! My eyesight again. I noticed a significant change in my eyesight while on Byetta. For the better! I wasn’t squinting and my eyes didn’t hurt like they do now.

20. And at the other end, the peripheral neuropathy from the chemo (and probably the diabetes) was REALLY helped while on the Byetta.

21. Januvia. A world of no. Why? Because it increases the insulin. Already make too much. Also side effects include Upper Respiratory Infections. Since I’m already VERY prone to those…I just don’t want to take something that will just make it even EASIER for me to get an URI.

22. On the subject of weight loss…it’s going to HELP the diabetes right? Why can’t I have something that’s going to HELP me??? And if it helps enough, I COULD just go to diet maintenance…right? Thus reducing the cost of diabetes related complications AND the medication costs. Without something that works on controlling the blood glucose AND taking care of the constant HUNGER, I’ll never have the chance of going on diet maintenance alone.

23. Patients can get better control, have tighter control and improve their A1C’s, isn’t that what every managed care plan wants to see happen because the cost of a patient with diabetes is several times higher than a non-diabetic. Approving the Byetta will only help my insurance costs go down.

To whom do you go?

I've been feeling down lately. I'm not sure if the effexor isn't working well anymore or if the absence of the byetta (and the resulting sugar rises and weight gain) is causing it, but I'm depressed.

I've found myself avoiding God, not reading, not praying, not even really talking with Him. I know this is not only a symptom of my depression, but also a cause of it. A never ending circle that just winds tighter and tighter with satan giggling over in the corner enjoying it all.

So I've been forcing myself to read the Bible but even what I'm reading feels like it's making the depression worse. I read some of the Psalms last night and that really helped but I want the words of Jesus, I want the Gospel, I want to be happy again.

And I don't know what to do.

Who do you go to to talk with when you feel like there's no one there? Who to you go to when you want an actual voice to respond?

And who do you go to when your spouse is desperately trying to understand but is a bit too involved with his gaming and other aspects of his life to really *listen* to you?

And when your best friend is even more depressed because of horrible job stuff and being away from her family for 4 days out of the week and you just don't want to burden her with MORE. (and shut up DogMom. This is me ranting here. ;o) )

I don't feel well. I just want to feel...NORMAL...again. Whatever the hell "Normal" is. I want it.

You can't rescue them all...

Last night I came to the realization that, although I want to rescue every cat in the world that needs a forever home, I can't.

And really, it's not a "new" realization. It was just...well sort of a smack in the face. I was reading my Bible and thinking about how so many people lack the morality quotient these days. And that lead to people who go all gooshy over a new kitten or new puppy (or even new baby) only to lose interest after said kitten/puppy/(baby) grows up.

And then I started thinking about the cats that were in the shelter when we adopted Willow and Xander. Their eyes started to haunt me and I felt sad that I just couldn't adopt them ALL.

I really do want to have a sanctuary where cats can come to live...forever if need be or just be fostered until their forever home comes along.

But until I get the fibro worked out (or whatever it is) and get myself back on the track with being able to drive again and not freak out with panic attacks, the Cat Sanctuary just...isn't...*sigh* feasible.

And it kills me each time I think of a sweet face going to sleep for the last time because someone didn't want them anymore.

The Wall Street Journal on the "Stimulus Package"

Or as M likes to call it, "Obama's Orgasm project"

Which, in truth, icks me out.

But here it is. Honestly, I have no words for this. I'm just...speechless over the complete and utter stupidity shown here by our new CiC. Write to your Congress people, let them know you don't want your kids and kids kids kids paying for Obama's stupidity!

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123310466514522309.html

Opinions on Oprah

You know, back in...was it 1986...Mom, K-sis and I started watching Oprah. She was fabulous, someone you'd like to get to know, someone real. A definite difference in daytime television.

She was a familiar friend, someone you could trust and know that they were going to steer you in the right direction for the most part. I learned quite a bit about myself from watching Oprah. From learning about hirsutism and PCOS to getting up the nerve to tell Mom and Dad about being molested. I thought her book club was a wonderful idea...badly executed because she ONLY chose books with horrible sad endings or where everything was a struggle...blah blah blah...but a great idea anyway. Anytime she mentioned a book, we'd have calls about it at both the book store I worked for briefly (Sorry C&L!) and the Library. She was becoming an icon, someone people looked up to, someone people could feel comfortable inviting into their living rooms everyday knowing that the chats were going to be fun and informative.

Then things started to change. She started going "Hollywood" and peppering her informative shows with the same old same old that other talk shows thrived on. It seemed like she was begining to believe her own press.

And now things have just gone too far. Oprah has been quoted as saying that Christians are wrong for their belief that Jesus is the only way to salvation and her obvious fawning over the "other O" is just sickening.

I understand that she's allowed to have her own opinions and to run her shows the way she wants to run them. I mean, the woman IS a great philanthropist. But one gets the feeling that, if Prez O wasn't married that Stedman would have some competition.

But the other thing that pissed me off was, she refused to have Palin on her show and, to me, it just smacked of "Oh I'm too important and so many people follow everything I say so there's no way I could ever have HER on here 'cause then people might actually vote for them."

Get over yourself, woman. Don't be so damn paranoid and so stuffed full of yourself. Give your viewers the chance to see both sides of each story...the way you do for MANY of your programs.

I'm so over Oprah. She needs to just go away now.

Never remember

There's so much I remember in this life. I remember the obscure places M puts his keys/glasses/wallet/tax information. I remember little weird bits of trivia that no one could ever REALLY want to know.

What I seem to NEVER remember is that I have a blog. And that I should be posting on it. Like, regularly. *G*

Anyway, life has been life and things have been pretty good for the most part 'round here. My diabetes was getting MUCH MUCH MUCH better with the help of Byetta but now the stupid Insurance company is farting around with trying to decide if I NEED it or not. (short answer? YES DAMMIT!) Actually, I REALLY want them to get off their buns and give me the higher dose.

All in all, though, I've lost about 40 lbs. I feel better, for the most part, and I find it easier to walk around...not huffing and puffing and all that. I feel better when ON the Byetta...of course...because I seem to sleep better and wake up with actual ENERGY instead of sleeping like crap and waking up still exhausted.


I'm still in the thrall of the indie perfume scene. Everyone has their Valentine's Day scents up but I'm being pretty good. I haven't ordered any of them...yet. I'm desperate for a few from both Happy Housewife and Blooddrop. I DO want to order from Blooddrop SOON because one of my favorite scents is going away (Garden Hoe) and I only have an imp of it. It's a very green, tomato plant, summery type smell. It's really delicious. Here's what Astrid (the beautiful "nose" behind the delicious preciouses) has to say about Garden Hoe:

With dirty knees and finger nails, sun burnt shoulders and nose you’re just happy to be outside in your garden! Tomato leaf, green bean vines, lettuce and a bit of earthiness for nourishment. No pesticides included.

It's sort of like getting your veggies in...only in sniffy-licious versions!

Even though I've pretty much limited my sniffy acquiring to "I SO know I'm going to LOVE this", I've run out of space in both of my Mini Lane Cedar Chests. (no, I don't buy from there. I look on Ebay. Actually, Mom gave me my first one and I got my second from Ebay. I have a bid on another.)

Maybe that's something I could do. Make Perfume Chests for people who collect Indie Perfumes. Hmmm....I'll have to look into that.

In other news, we have about 18" of snow right now. Might not be much to those of you who live in the North Western states but it has pretty much shut down Cincinnati for the day. M is home and curled up in bed with his laptop, occasionally logging into work and seeing what all's going on. Mostly I think he's just spaced out in front of NetHack. He's so addicted but won't admit it. Grrr.

100 things...

An on-going process, I hope, I'll be listing 100 things that make me happy.

1. A new book
2. An old book, well loved
3. My best friend's love and support
4. Being able to cross items off my "to do" list each day
5. Sleeping in
6. Listening to my Nieces and Nephew's playing
7. The smell of an old book
8. That "crack" you hear when you open a new hardback
9. Hearing my Husband tell me he loves me
10. Having my Husband SHOW me he loves me