How I deal with my diabetes

There seems to be some…confusion? Consternation? Judgmental idiocy?... concerning how I handle my diabetes. Of course, all of this could have been avoided if, just IF, the people all “concerned” about me would have just ASKED and not ASSUMED and JUDGED based on their perceived notions of just what I do for my diabetes care.

1. I lie about my numbers when they’re high.

In fact, I do NOT lie about my numbers. I don’t omit them out of “fear” or “to be shifty” or “shy” about them. I’m more than willing to talk about my numbers to anyone who actually asks about them. When I’m dealing with a “friend” who seems to need to talk about their numbers rather than pay attention to what *I* happen to be saying, I do the RIGHT thing and pay attention to them. I pretty much have a sieve for a brain these days so, if I forget to mention them AFTER the other conversation ends, well then just sue me and tell me “forget the whole damn thing” ‘cause apparently, I’m just a lying bitch who’s trying to get your goat and snow you on how I’m really doing.

2. I rely only on my medication for my diabetes care

Yeah. Right. And pink bunnies poof out of my ass every time I fart. I may not be able to be as active as some people are but I AM active. I do what needs to be done and damn the pain. I’ve learned to live with constant debilitating pain for the last three years. What the hell would make this any different? So I don’t walk out in the noonday sun with a dog jaunting merrily by my side. But I DO have things that I do. Just because I don’t do things YOUR way doesn’t mean I’m wrong or lazy. It doesn’t mean that I rely only on my medications to keep my glucose in check. I have my routine. I eat my meals when I’m supposed to eat, I take my meds, I do my chores, I try to get some exercise in everyday even if it hurts. Especially because I know what exercise does for me. I know it’s really the key to everything.

3. I want to be off meds but I say I love my meds

Truthfully, I do love my meds. They are the ONLY thing that has ever made me feel “normal” in regards to my eating and weight loss. I tried the no meds thing. I failed miserably. Over and over and over again.

You see, this whole “diabetes” thing isn’t all that new to me. I had the precursor, Insulin Resistance. So I got the books and I studied them, I talked with my Doctors (yep, plural!) about what I was doing and not doing, I did Weight Watchers and exercised every day.

And I failed. Over and over and over again. I just absolutely can not do it without my meds.

That doesn’t stop me from wishing it were different. Hell, I wish I didn’t have cancer and could grow more hair to cover up the fucking bald spot I have gratis of the IR. I can’t do anything about those either. So, wishing doesn’t make it better. Actually doing the things that MAKE it better, makes it better.

For me, that includes taking my “damn Byetta”. I say that with my tongue firmly in my cheek. Yeah the shit makes me nauseated…hell it’s a higher dose than I’m used to taking. Of course it’s going to make me nauseated. Until I get used to it. Oh and if I actually remember to take it 30 minutes before I eat. If I take it right before I eat, I get nauseated. I know this and sometimes have to suck it up and deal with it.

And look! This “friend” actually *GASP* asked me a question regarding my diabetes care? Of course, the question was snarky. Duh! Of course I’m not resigning myself to the “misery”. I KNOW what’s what. I KNOW that I fucked up and took it too late. And I resigned myself to knowing that, next time, I’d try to do better.

Realizing that this isn’t a game, it’s not something I have to do until I “get better”, that this is for LIFE, is pretty much a part of who I am now. It’s not like I’m a stranger to it.

4. I don’t handle my diabetes correctly.

My “friend” seems to think that they are the be all and end all of diabetes care management. “Friend” is wrong. I do what my Doctors (yep, plural again!), my Dietitian and my Diabetes Educator say I’m to do. MY numbers seem “wrong” to “friend”. Well DUH! They’re *MY* numbers! “FRIEND’S” numbers are going to be different. They’ll be in the ball park but they’re still going to be different.

Diabetes isn’t a “one size fits all” disease. It’s different for every human being that has the sad misfortune to have it. Everyone of us needs to learn how their diabetes effects them and how to make their life work, not around the diabetes, but with the diabetes.

For some, that means hard work with diet and exercise. I totally applaud those who can do it this way. I do hope that, one day, with the help of my meds, I can eventually get to the place where diet and exercise will work better than the meds. But that’s in the future.

Today I’m focusing on what I CAN do. I CAN take my meds. I CAN watch what I eat. I CAN be more active. It’s going to take time for me. I’m dealing with MUCH MORE than just the damn diabetes.

5. My conclusion.

I’m tired. I’m tired of this worthless body breaking down on me every time I turn around.

I’m tired of being afraid of my birthday, wondering just what’s going to happen THIS year.

I’m tired of being in constant pain. Of HAVING to take pain medication every single day JUST so I can get out of bed.

I’m tired of being treated like I’m a child. Like I don’t know what is right for ME. (yes I’m looking at YOU “friend”.)

I’m tired of people talking down to me instead of accepting that I am, actually, an intelligent ADULT human being. Not someone who is slow and doesn’t understand basic concepts let alone complex ones.

I’m tired of being scared of my body. Of each new twinge or stab. Thinking that “shit, what if this is the one…”

I’m tired of waking up at night, scared out of my mind thinking that I’ve been buried alive because I actually didn’t survive the trip to the ER that cold October morning.

I’m tired of being tired.

And most of all, I’m tired of having to defend myself to people who want to impose all of their “knowledge” onto me instead of thinking, “hey, she’s a big girl now! Why don’t I ask her how she deals with things instead of thinking she’s “special” and imposing MY point of view on her.”

So let’s just say I’m going to live my life the way I know how to live it. If you have a HELPFUL suggestion (that means DO NOT FUCKING LECTURE ME) I’d be glad to hear it. And I reserve the right to say “No, thank you.” And continue on my way.

so much for everyday

So I haven't posted in quite awhile. It's been one of those years here at Casa de Strawberry.

Aggie is still missing and, while my heart is healing a bit, I miss her just as much today as I did the night she went on walkabout. Little stinker.

Been trying to get M to agree to adopting 3 kittens from the shelter. They are the SWEETEST babies and, really, Xander NEEDS playmates. He's bored and drives me nuts in the morning when he thinks Mommy should be up and playing instead of sleeping like normal people. And by morning I mean 3 am.

M and I were in an auto accident in May. I still have the bruises on my boob and chest. Those were particularly nasty ones. My chest still hurts as does my back and sides. ER Doc only x-rayed my right hand and wrist, which coincidentally didn't bruise and wasn't the thing that hurt the worst on me. (That would have been my back and OTHER arm...where the bruise was. Oh, and the chest. Where the bruise on my rib was.) So Dr D sent me for more x-rays and let me know that I wasn't really broken from the accident.

However, because I'm me and nothing in my life can ever go easily, I have some very severe degeneration of my bones in my back, spine and ribs and hips. I knew it was coming, I just figured it would happen later rather than sooner.

So I'm getting along as much as I can. M is the most perfect husband ever by understanding when I can't do as much as I feel I should. HE is the one that keeps telling me to "take it easy. None of this is going anywhere." He's my good Bunny Hon.

Blood sugars are coming up more normal than they've been since just before the accident. I think I'm stressing much less and I'm also not comfort eating. I do need to step up the exercise even more but, it would be SO much easier if I had a pool where I could do the exercises without more joint damage. Work out a day and am in pain for 4 days after that. I know that eventually the pain will lessen...a bit...but I also know that my joints and other bones are just disintegrating because of all that very high does radiation I "suffered" back with the cancer. And don't forget the poison...I mean chemo. *sigh*

God's going to get me through this. He has a purpose for all this pain. Even if it's just letting me be a humped backed old lady who can still praise Him in spite of her pain. I can do it.

But only with Him.