So what's changed?

I feel nothing.

Well, that's not precisely true. I feel sadness. An ever deepening sense of not giving a shit about everything and anything.

I feel lost. Alone. Unwanted. Unhappy. Uncaring. Uncared for. A lot of other Un stuff.

I stuff myself thinking that the hole inside of me will be filled up. And it is. Filled with loathing, self hatred, despair, anger, hatred, frustration.

I was doing so well. I was happy, losing weight, feeling and getting healthy. Why? Why the fuck can't satan leave me alone. Stupid asshole has no right to play with me. Has no right to make me feel like this. I can't fight anymore. I can't...

Note to self...movie to see

P.S. I Love You.

Yeah, just 'cause James Marsters is in it. But still. He's a fabulous actor.

Mmm.

Meloncholia

You were here last night, in my dreams, holding me, laughing with me, kissing me.

We lay there, in my dream, in blissful silence. Just together one more time.

And then the alarm rang and you were gone. I don't know if you will ever return, if I'll ever feel your lips on my neck, your arms wrapped around me holding me close, keeping me safe, making me weak.

Where are you now?

It's been 2 years today

2 years ago today I was admitted to the hospital for severe anemia and a blood clot in my leg. I was 35 years old.

Today marks the 2nd anniversary of my ordeal with chronic anemia, blood clots, coumadin (BLECH) and cancer.

All in all, it's been a difficult 2 years. I've had to learn about sudden intense food allergies, (black pepper) How to cope with chronic debilitating pain, coping with memory problems, the inability to drive anywhere by myself because I can't focus and I tend to forget I'm driving...while I'm driving.

But, the learning has helped me realize that I'm strong. I CAN cope with the pain, the memory loss, the constant exhaustion and the other various things that have gone on with my body. I've learned to deal with humiliation (like pooing myself in a store because of the radiation, or having to sit on a "litter box" (bed pan) in front of a doctor. Heck, being naked for just about every doctor visit for a year and a half. Body issues? Heh.)

I've learned what it means to be ALONE, and yet, I've learned just how much my family and friends love me.

For what it's worth, I'm grateful to that stupid blood clot.

Weight. Watching it go UP, watching it go DOWN

So I missed weigh in today. I KNEW I was going to gain because I've been half assing the program and being all hedonistic in my eating and thinking "like who really cares if I shovel down 10 handfuls of m&m's?" Or "I REALLY want the breakfast bar at Frisch's and since it's Saturday I don't have to worry about points.

And so I've gained. MY scale says it's 3-4 lbs in the last week. That's not good. Of course you know that I, being who I am, had the mental thoughts of "well, M loves me anyway" and "well, I've blown it so who gives a flying one? I'm just going to quit."

Then, today when I was heading to the 'fridge for something I didn't really want and wasn't even hungry for, that would make me feel sick if I ate it, I saw a little slip of paper that I guess M put up there. It's a slip from a fortune cookie and it says "Don't give up. Everyone is rooting for you!"

Man. That made the whatever it was that I was going to eat (and it really WAS whatever. I had no clue what my hand was going to pull out when I reached into the 'fridge, but I'd have eaten it.) just seem not that important. I made a quicky inventory of my tum and, would you believe it, I wasn't hungry. *G* So I grabbed a diet vernors and came into the computer room to do some organizing.

Organizing is my new kick it seems. I'm really enjoying the feeling of purging things that aren't needed, wanted or even remembered. Clutter is much less even if I only purge for 5 minutes.

So, thinking about that, now I have a desire to purge my mind of all those damn negative thoughts that Satan insists on putting in there. I have to remember that I'm not doing this for anyone but me. I have to learn to forgive myself, get on with losing the weight because I WANT to lose it for my health. And really, to be honest, I want to look sexy too. :o)

He sticks like glue

Snug. Secure. Attached. Connected. Immovable. Bonded. Superglued.

These words describe the way that sticky stuff takes 2 separate objects and makes them one.

I like these words. Especially since they describe my relationship with God during some really tough times in my life. God never gives up on us no matter how hard we try to get ourselves loose. God just does not let go.

Which isn't to say that He controls everything we do like putting a bridle on a horse or a leash on a dog. He gives us each common sense and a spirit that can communicate with His.

When we go through afflictions, He lets us choose our response and no matter what that choice is, He sticks around to the bitter end.

I've often thought, as I've been randing at God about how unfair life is and "Darn it God, why is it always ME???", that God is smiling at me and thinking , "Go ahead. Wear those ranty pants. I can take it and I'll still be here when you're done."

And He is. Every time.

We can take solace in the fact that God is close. He isn't going anywhere no matter how scary things get. He can be there in a heartbeat if needed.

That must be how Job felt when he said "Though he slay me, Yet I will hope in him. (Job 13:15 KJV) Job trusted God even when the worst that could happen, DID happen. Or what Abraham was feeling when he took his son up the mountain to sacrifice him, to make the ultimate sacrifice to the Lord.

How hard the emotional battles must have been for these men. From the raw material of pain, grief and loss, their words of faith were wrested from them.

Our afflictions are not designed to break us. They are designed to bend us toward the eternal, the holy.

God sticks with us through it all. Even when we don our "ranty pants".

The Apostle Paul said that, no matter how much we try to pry ourselves loose, God doesn't separate from us.

(Romans 8:35, 38-39 NIV)

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Dear God,
Thank you for sticking to us like glue even when we rant and rave against life's unfairness. Help us to remember that "Nothing can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

In Jesus' Name we pray,
Amen.

Rest in Peace Madeline

And thank you for all the wonderful memories I have of Meg and Charles Wallace, Calvin and the twins Sandy and Denny.

The Ring of Endless Light...A Wind in the Door...A Wrinkle in Time...Some of my childhood favorites.

Rest in Peace Madeline. We'll miss you.

New York Times story

Oh MY GOODNESS!

What a hungry kitty cat!

What a weekend!

Not that we did anything spectacular or anything. Himself took me to a couple of Half Price Books Bookstores and I loaded up on hardbacks of favorite books and a few new things to tide me by when I have nothing to read. (you just can't have a day with nothing to read!!!)

Also picked up a 8 translation parallel Bible for under $20. It's only the New Testament but it's really cool to have all these translations in one place. It even has the Holman Christian Standard version and the Message. I like the Message for a good paraphrase...for when you just want to have something in everyday language. It's not a good version for Bible study and it has many things that I don't really agree with...but it's nice to have for those times when you want to read of God but don't have the patience to read a more thorough translation.

Hmm. Finally finished my "Maggie Kelly and Viscount St. Just" collection. Maggie Without a Clue was evading my attempts to buy it in hardback! But the HPB in Mason (I'd never been there...it's NICE) had a copy. YOINK! It's now happily on my bookshelf.

The "books for a book-less day" books are Debbie Macomber's Cedar Cove series. I love Debbie but haven't gotten into these books. I decided to buy them all (except for the very newest one which they didn't have) since I know once I get into them I won't be able to stop. *G* Potato chip books.

Oh and a new copy of Jim Butcher's Dresden Files "Storm Front". If you haven't read of Wizard Harry Dresden...RUN...do NOT walk to your nearest library, bookstore, used bookstore (if you can find them there!) and get them. You won't be sorry. They're fun, a little scary and quite intense at times. LOVE Harry. LOVE Bob. Too much fun.

Other than that, my weekend was a 'bore'. I was to teach Sunday School Sunday, had my lesson all ready to go and...NO kids showed up. I was a little upset. Not mad upset but sad upset. I love teaching and *sigh* wish I could have done it Sunday. *G* But, seeing as it was Labor Day weekend and all, I realize most people were out of town. Not to mention Pastor D was preaching and...he tends to get quite windy and rather "off track". He forgot to give the common cup at my communion table. We had to remind him. *sigh* I love him though. It's nice to hear him preach again. I will, however, be glad that Pastor F. will be back next Sunday. *G*