Ranting

It's 6:30 am here and I haven't been to sleep.

I don't even know what I came in here to say. I'm pretty much a mess right now. Every molecule in my body aches to hold Aggie right now. To pet on her and to play fetch with her. Even to have her flick water from her water bowl onto my freshly cleaned mirror.

We're considering hiring a pet detective. I have ads in all over the place. I don't know anything else to do.

And yet...I feel so helpless. And if I'm honest, I feel like God isn't even listening to me. Which I know, deep down, isn't true...but sometimes I really REALLY hate that He won't talk to us directly anymore. Just doesn't seem fair. All those Old Testament guys got to talk to God...sometimes even FACE TO FACE! *WE* are stuck with a Book.

I KNOW I'm ranting and raving. I KNOW that that Book is wonderful and full of wisdom and love and peace and...and...and...

But sometimes you NEED to have that face to face conversation. Sometimes all the Scripture in the world doesn't HELP. You need to have HIS arms PHYSICALLY around you. To HEAR HIS voice telling you that it's going to be okay.

I mean...HE IS GOD for heaven's sake!!! WHY can't HE just do what I want this time? Right now? Ease my pain. Heal my broken heart. Wipe away my tears. Why do I have to sit by and spout things like "He'll take care of us. Even if Aggie never comes back, it'll be okay..."

Bull. It WON'T be okay. It DOESN'T make me feel better. He feels so dang far away right now. I've prayed. I've confessed. I've asked for guidance and faith and healing...

and I hurt. Darn it. I HURT. I want to scream all sorts of obscenities and flip the bird to the heavens and break things and throw things and punch things. To punch Him, if I'm completely honest.

Some of you reading this might be thinking "sheesh, Kae! It's just a cat! People are losing their HUMAN children everyday and you're going on and on and on about a dang cat. Get a GRIP!"

But my cats aren't "just" cats. They're my family. They're the ones that greet me every morning, curl up with me every night. The ones that make me laugh and cry and yell and scold and praise...they're my children. My friends. My companions.

And I've lost 3 of them in the last 3 years. Clio, Emmy and Oscar. It hasn't even been a whole year since Oscar has been gone. I've only just taken down the last IV bag from the bathroom lights where I put it so I could have easy access when Oscar needed his fluids.

Now Aggie is missing and my heart is being ripped from my chest and shredded yet again. And I feel like, if He really loved me, if He really wanted me to be happy and joyful and whatever, He would get off his butt and make everything all better. To *poof* Aggie back into my arms, safe, sound, protected.

There are coyotes out there. Yes, even in Ohio we have coyotes. My parent's cat barely escaped one. Aggie has no teeth. I'm so scared for her.

I feel like I should delete this. To not even post it at all. But I'm going to post it. I need you all to read it. I need my friends to hear me. I need you guys to pray hard for me. Not just about Aggie, but about everything I've said above. I feel so scared that, even as I've spoken everything He already knows and He can handle, He'll be mad at me...

And I need someone, anyone, to tell me that's not true. To hold my hand, even if it's metaphorically, and to remind me of all His promises.

Because I'm just not getting it right now. And that makes me saddest of all.