She's still missing

It's been a week and 2 days now. Still no Aggie. Still no sign.

I miss her. I miss her snuggling on my hip at night, the way she'd poke on M's belly. That far away look in her eye, the way she'd sleep with her face "planted".

And I struggle with thoughts of "why God?"

I pray He brings her home soon. It stormed tonight so...maybe she'll be looking for Mommy and Daddy.

Gads I miss her.

Ranting

It's 6:30 am here and I haven't been to sleep.

I don't even know what I came in here to say. I'm pretty much a mess right now. Every molecule in my body aches to hold Aggie right now. To pet on her and to play fetch with her. Even to have her flick water from her water bowl onto my freshly cleaned mirror.

We're considering hiring a pet detective. I have ads in all over the place. I don't know anything else to do.

And yet...I feel so helpless. And if I'm honest, I feel like God isn't even listening to me. Which I know, deep down, isn't true...but sometimes I really REALLY hate that He won't talk to us directly anymore. Just doesn't seem fair. All those Old Testament guys got to talk to God...sometimes even FACE TO FACE! *WE* are stuck with a Book.

I KNOW I'm ranting and raving. I KNOW that that Book is wonderful and full of wisdom and love and peace and...and...and...

But sometimes you NEED to have that face to face conversation. Sometimes all the Scripture in the world doesn't HELP. You need to have HIS arms PHYSICALLY around you. To HEAR HIS voice telling you that it's going to be okay.

I mean...HE IS GOD for heaven's sake!!! WHY can't HE just do what I want this time? Right now? Ease my pain. Heal my broken heart. Wipe away my tears. Why do I have to sit by and spout things like "He'll take care of us. Even if Aggie never comes back, it'll be okay..."

Bull. It WON'T be okay. It DOESN'T make me feel better. He feels so dang far away right now. I've prayed. I've confessed. I've asked for guidance and faith and healing...

and I hurt. Darn it. I HURT. I want to scream all sorts of obscenities and flip the bird to the heavens and break things and throw things and punch things. To punch Him, if I'm completely honest.

Some of you reading this might be thinking "sheesh, Kae! It's just a cat! People are losing their HUMAN children everyday and you're going on and on and on about a dang cat. Get a GRIP!"

But my cats aren't "just" cats. They're my family. They're the ones that greet me every morning, curl up with me every night. The ones that make me laugh and cry and yell and scold and praise...they're my children. My friends. My companions.

And I've lost 3 of them in the last 3 years. Clio, Emmy and Oscar. It hasn't even been a whole year since Oscar has been gone. I've only just taken down the last IV bag from the bathroom lights where I put it so I could have easy access when Oscar needed his fluids.

Now Aggie is missing and my heart is being ripped from my chest and shredded yet again. And I feel like, if He really loved me, if He really wanted me to be happy and joyful and whatever, He would get off his butt and make everything all better. To *poof* Aggie back into my arms, safe, sound, protected.

There are coyotes out there. Yes, even in Ohio we have coyotes. My parent's cat barely escaped one. Aggie has no teeth. I'm so scared for her.

I feel like I should delete this. To not even post it at all. But I'm going to post it. I need you all to read it. I need my friends to hear me. I need you guys to pray hard for me. Not just about Aggie, but about everything I've said above. I feel so scared that, even as I've spoken everything He already knows and He can handle, He'll be mad at me...

And I need someone, anyone, to tell me that's not true. To hold my hand, even if it's metaphorically, and to remind me of all His promises.

Because I'm just not getting it right now. And that makes me saddest of all.

She's still missing

And I'm still going out of my mind.

I put ads on Craigslist and Petfinder.com. I put an ad in the Community Journal. We'll be making posters later today (it's 5 am. I can't sleep) I'm going to get my SS kids...well, my former SS kids, they're now just my friends...to help me make the posters. We're going to put out leaflets and I'm going to knock on doors with her picture.

But I had a horrible thought. There are COYOTES OUT THERE. They're mean! And they EAT KITTIES.

Oh God! Please please please don't let Aggie get hurt by a coyote!

PLEASE BRING HER HOME!!!!

Aggie is missing

We've looked all over for her. I've shaken the food bags, rattled the gooshy food dishes, called for her...we can't find her.

We've looked outside. Stupid flashlight gives out and I can't find my damn batteries. I KNOW I have batteries...I just bought a huge pack of them...but where they hell they've gotten to? I have no clue.

I'm so angry over this. I KNOW I don't have any reason to be angry but...

As much as I don't want to say it, I feel like it's Mike's fault. I KNOW it's not but...he's so in tune with the damn universe and yet he doesn't notice a freaking thing.

But, the rational part of me KNOWS that he didn't MEAN to not see Aggie slip out.

He's not even fucking awake right now. I've been sitting here for hours watching the glass door waiting to see her little head pop up and for her to meow and say "Mommy! Daddy! I've missed you! I'm home!"

And he's asleep. He's been asleep since 11pm. How the crap can he sleep when I'm crying my heart out, bone deep sobs, longing for my kitty cat to just COME. HOME.

Oh God. I hurt. I want my baby home. I want her HERE. She...she can't take care of herself out there! She doesn't have any TEETH!!!

I need her. I can't...I can't lose her this close to losing Oscar.

I just want to scream at God and Mike and some more at Mike and some more at God. I want to scream GOD DA***!!!!!!!!! until my lungs burst and I don't have to FEEL anymore.

I'm so TIRED of pain. So very fucking tired of it all. Dammit! WHY IS SHE GONE? WHERE DID SHE GO? WHY ME? WHY HER? WHY, GOD, WHY????

GIVE HER BACK TO ME NOW!

Just go away already!

Look, I know you're alone now and I know that you don't think you did anything wrong. But you did. You threatened my life, threatened my husband, my marriage, my family, my cats and my Church. All because you didn't get your way. All because I took away your "free" phone that we were letting you use...but which you apparently COULDN'T use to call and tell me you couldn't make it over which precipitated this entire...fight, blow up...whatever.

So suck it up. I'm tired of your bullshit. I'm tired of you calling out my Christianity when I do something human. Or when I do something that YOU don't like. Or you want to start a fight so you can have the pleasure of yelling at someone.

I'm tired of being your doormat. Of being your ATM. Of being anything at all to you. I'm tired of it. I don't deserve it.

I didn't deserve to have you tell me that my "fat ass" was causing all your car troubles. That because I'm fat, your car needs more work.

I didn't deserve to have you lump me in with your low life, scum sucking, crack headed, whore ex girlfriends. I didn't deserve to have you tell me that you were going to "take care of ALL you BITCHES".

I didn't deserve to have you try and make me feel guilty by you threatening to feed your cats antifreeze. You are damn lucky I didn't call Animal Control right then and there. I should have. YOU don't deserve those sweet cats. But I don't want them to suffer the sleepy shot. Unless they'd be better off. And you'd better believe I'll be making sure they're okay. I have my ways.

You feel so entitled that you screamed at me because M and I are good responsible pet parents and we make sure our cats have food BEFORE we go out and buy things for ourselves. We didn't buy a $600 TV and an expensive computer BEFORE spaying and neutering the 10 or so cats you've "taken in". Not to mention the fact that we buy our litter before we buy anything for ourselves.

But no, YOU thought that M and I should feed your cats and provide them litter while you spent all your money on computers and TVs and...*gasp* dope. I'm not stupid. I know you're still getting high and stoned off the prescription drugs and marijuana. Like I said, you don't deserve those sweet cats.

Especially poor Tessa. She doesn't deserve to be hurting the way you are LETTING her hurt. I am so angry with you right now for texting to try and guilt me into being your friend again because the poor sweetie is dying. Dying because YOU are too much of a fucking asshole to take her to the vet. You shit. You piece of spooge. I have half a mind to come over there and forcibly take her away from you and give her the home she deserves.

Just go away already. Leave me alone. I'm done with you. I've tried my best to be a good friend to you for 27 freaking years. And all you've done is crap on me.

It's over. FOAD

Computers and Scents and friends OH MY!

So, the perfumes are selling...not quite like hotcakes but really well considering. Thanks to all who have been so very generous as to take the unable to be loved scents off to new and loving homes!

My computer has been felled with a virus. M swears it was just spyware but I don't agree. Thankfully he's the bestest guy ever and he's made everything just like new! Lurve my hun bun!

and friends. *sigh* Well, former friends. Why can't he just get it through his thick head that I don't want him in my life anymore? Our friendship is over after what he did to me and said to me.

More later.

Scents for Sale

Here is a list of the scents I'm selling. These don't work on me and need kind, loving homes where they will be appreciated and adored. Or at least where they'll inspire mucho purchases from the companies they're from. *G*

Shipping will be $3 for imps alone or $4 for bottles alone and bottle and imp combos. Prices are as marked. I can take Paypal just ask for my user name. I'm not good at shipping outside the country, but can try if need be.


IMP LIST

All imps, droplettes, posettes and cupcakes $1

BPAL

O **pending**
Dragon’s Reverie
Saturnalia
Muse (label stained)
Ophelia (label stained)
Versailles
The Coiled Serpent
Delirium (label curled and stained)
Eternal (label stained and damaged. Still legible)
Penthus (very slight stain on label)
Greed
Verdandi
Gaueko (label bent)
Pumpkin V 07 (decant)
Blood Kiss


Mythos Mixtures imps

Fire Boil
Valkyrie
The Mythos
Tussie Mussie (LE Yule 08)
Pear Tree (LE Yule 08)


Happy Housewife Cupcakes

Day of the Dead x 2 (one black cap, one white cap)
Dirty Jack
Archaefructis
Fractal Dance (some label stain)
Sail on, Silvergirl
Synesthia
Sinflower
The Wind

Natural Rituals

Vanilla Mocha Perfume Oil

Possets (all oil stained labels due to poor shipping)

Lambs
Fabienne
Frolic
Naples Yellow
Gingerbread Crackhouse
Gingerbread Whorehouse x 2
Junie
Midnight at Old St. Mary’s
The Girls…Posset
Hyde Park x 2
Over the Rhine
The Girls…Clubbing
Fluox Tine
Flossing
Orion
Id
The Girls…Pink Pepper
Eve
Lamp Black

Misc companies

Sedona – Mother Earth elixir
Nocturne Alchemy – Asp Venom
Cobalt Blends – Among the Holly
Woobie Bath – Mai Tai Waterfall

Bottles

All bottles priced as marked.

BPAL

Desire (cobalt bottle) $10
Sticky Pillowcase (08 Samhain full, tested cleanly once) $15
Hay Moon 08 $15
Irrelevant and…Crawdad Dream (Forum only LE 8/08) $15

Possets

Penelope (opened once to sniff) $8
Titanium White (opened only to sniff) $8
Brownian Motion x 2 (one tested once, other still closed.) $8 each
Depression x 2 (one tested once, other still closed) $8 each
Ghost Fart (tested once. Label stained.) $5
Girls Love…Limeys $8
Boom Boom (label stained) $7
Ohio (label stained) $7
High Tea (label stained) $7

Cremoso

Anointing oil – Howling Forever $ 8

Cobalt Blends

Irish Cream Tea $9 (tested cleanly once)

Pixie Potions

Bonfire – (tested cleanly once) $9 LE Samhain 08
Vampyre (opened to smell) $9 LE Samhain 08
Zombie Queen (opened to smell) $9 LE Samhain 08

Arcana

Poison Candy LE Samhain 08 (tested once cleanly) $10

Mythos Mixtures

Cute Sidekick (opened to smell only) $9 LE Epic Quest

Blooddrop

Cobwebs (opened only to smell) $9 LE Halloween 08
L’Shana Tova $9
Broomstick $9
There Wolf $9 (kooked out cinema LE)*
There Castle $9 (kooked out cinema LE)*
*(Both of the above going to one home? $17)

Childhood is slowly fading away...

This morning, I learned that one of the "icons" of my childhood had passed away. Uncle Al wasn't a real Uncle, he wasn't really a "friend". But he was a part of my childhood.

I was on TV quite a bit in my childhood. At least once a year. It was never a big deal, anyone could get on if they had the tickets and Mom always made sure that we got to do it. I remember it as being fun and we got to sing and watch the actors and see what it was like being "on set". Uncle Al and Captain Wendy were always super nice and I still love Mama's cookies. If I can find them. I think they went out of business again. *sigh* Barq's is still my favorite root beer. I remember we'd all have name tags shaped like Uncle Al's bow tie and we'd get those marshmallow "ice cream" cones and we'd stand in line waiting to go in to the studio. I even had a "star" spot one time when I was picked to hold the flag on Flag Day.

One thing I do remember is that, unlike shows today, Uncle Al and Wendy ended every program with a prayer. Both sung and spoken...

"Help me, God, to love you more,
Than I ever did before,
In my work and in my play,

Please be with me through the day,
Thank you for the friends we meet,
Thank you for the food we eat,
Thank you for the birds that sing,
Thank you, God, for everything!"

And it was a great time. Uncle Al...I can't remember ever hearing a bad thing about the man. He was a legend here in Cincinnati. He was a pioneer for good Children's television. There just aren't enough people like Uncle Al and Captain Wendy anymore.

Ala-kazam one, Ala-kazam two, Ala-kazam three, and POOF!!

I'll miss you, Uncle Al. Thanks for all the great times.