Remembrance

It's been 30 years but I still remember. It haunts me day to day, whether in my conscious thoughts or in my subconscious doings, but it haunts me still.

I was 8 but I remember it as if it were yesterday, I remember what I was wearing, what I was doing. I close my eyes and I can see your face, hear your words, feel your touch...

and it makes me shudder. It makes me hate you, makes me seethe with an unholy fury so deep set that I feel nauseated from the sheer force of it.

I was 8 you bastard. 8 years old and you touched me. You made me feel that I was a bad person, that my parents would be mad at me if I didn't let you "help" me with my panties. I can feel your sticky hot breath on my cheek as you run your hand over my labia, run it up under my dress to where my breasts would be had I actually been a woman, as you put your hand back on the place no man should have ever touched until I was old enough to consent, old enough to know better.

I hate you. I hate what you made me into, what you made me feel. What you still make me feel. The self loathing, the hatred I feel for myself for being that stupid...that trusting. That I can trust again is nothing short of amazing. I feel like I can't love myself because of the shit you pulled.

To have to look at your idiotic leer Sunday after Sunday. To sit there and see people act as if you're a good man, someone to be trusted, someone who could never do wrong because, after all, you ARE a Christian, right? You would never do something like that to any little girl...right?

I see you and I find myself fantasizing about your death. Oh no, not at my own hand, but just that you're dead and gone. That I'd never have to look at you again. Never have to have you leer at me with that knowing look.

And that makes me even sicker and angrier at myself. To wish someone dead. That isn't what I want to be about, isn't what I know to be good and true, what Christ wants His people to feel.

But maybe, just maybe, when you're gone I can finally find some peace within myself.

Although it will never bring back that innocence lost 30 years ago.