Figured out how

So, last night M and I were hanging out in bed and he was feeling a bit...uh...frisky. Sadly, I'm in a bad fibro flare and was feeling anything BUT. Just the touch of his hand made me want to cry and I felt HORRIBLE that I had to turn him down.

We lay there for a bit and I asked him if he was mad at me. He of course said "NO!" and then after a minute he asked "what is it like?"

I thought about it for a bit and then came up with this...

Do you remember how you felt when you were in the typing lab at school? How the typing, while in the background, was enough to send you over the edge? How sometimes you were lucky and it faded into static that you could still hear but wasn't enough to actually bother you but most of the time you wanted to rip people's fingers off?

He replied "yeah"

I responded: That's what the pain is like. It's constantly there even if it's not at the forefront. I'm never free of it...it's there like a time bomb just clicking down the seconds. It drains me of any will to do the activities I really enjoy, most especially the physically active ones but even the mental ones like reading. Sometimes I hurt so badly all I can do is lay in the bed and whimper because the "clacking of the keys" makes me want to shoot myself in the head just so it would END once and for all.

He then blinked at me a few times and said, in a quiet voice, "damn. I knew you were strong but...damn."

Funny...I don't feel strong. I'd rather have that than what I have... :o)