Birthday rambles

So. It's 12:08 Tuesday October 7th, 2008. I'm 39 today. Not quite so sure I'm ready for 39. I'm not old enough to be 39. I haven't gotten to BE what I wanted to be as a kid...*sigh*

Anyway, was talking with Mom tonight and lamented the fact that I was hanging onto 38 by a thread. Told her that I wasn't ready yet...that I didn't WANT to be 39 yet. She replied "well, just be thankful that you're ABLE to be 39."

Oh. Yeah. That.

3 years ago today I died. Well, the old me died. The me that was sick and had been sick for a very long time. In a mass of blood and fear and craziness, I died.

And then I woke up and things that should have gone on as normal didn't. I had cancer. The big "C". Whatever. It sucked and I was stuck.

But, looking back on the past three years, I didn't have the worst time of my life with the cancer. I had something to fight for, something to focus on, something that meant something. My life.

So when did that focus go away? Why did it fade? Is my life no longer worth fighting for, no longer meaningful? Don't I have MORE meaning now that I have M as my husband and the kitty kids?

I know that I've said over and over (ad infinitum) that I'm "going to lose weight" and I'm "going to exercise" and even I'm "going to take pictures of my work and make a website to sell stuff on". Oh and my all time favorite I'm "going to keep the house picked up and clean and make healthy dinners for M and I and work on the...blah blah blah"

What does it take to make this MEAN something to me? To shake me out of my doldrums and kick me in the ass and say WAKE UP YOU STUPID BRAINLESS BINT!! DON'T YOU KNOW YOU'RE JUST COMMITTING SUICIDE SLOWLY???? (for some reason, I hear James Marsters saying this in Spike's voice. Mmmmmmmmm Spiky goodness. Ahem.)

Because I tell myself that...over and over. Mainly at night when I'm wide awake because M is snoring so loud and his breathing is stopping and I have to shake him (unless he's already shaking 'cause that's a usual) and I get up and go into my old room and hangout with the truckers on WLW while I play the DS or ruminate on my life and how it can be the best ever thing in all the world (Marriage to my Bunny) and the wide gaping shithole that I've been living with from this crapin' depression and...face it...laziness.

*sigh* I know it's going to get better. I actually AM taking the bull by the balls this time and getting a sleep study done. The Doc took all sorts of blood work to see how the arthritis is going and told me "I really think we're just going to have to defer to a rhumatologist this time." Which is fine with me...if I can just get rid of the pain and stop the dang arthritis from spreading.

And I know that ONE way I can help RIGHT FREAKIN' NOW is to lose weight. Gah. I know I CAN do it...now I just have to WANT to do it. Really and truly and foreverly (don't you love my made up words? *G*) want to lose the weight. Get into shape.

If only I could find the secret motivation formula that would kick in until the real stuff wakes up and realizes that I'm for SERIOUS this time.

Yeah. that.

*sigh*