Today, I turn 40.

So, as everyone who actually knows me knows, today, October 7th, is my 40th birthday.

I certainly don't feel 40 in my mind. Heck, mentally I think I'm still about 12 years old. Maybe 16. Absolutely not 40.

Physically, well...that's a totally different story. I think I'm about 80 in the physical feeling sense. I'm getting better (thank you Lyrica!) and I'm working on it but...I'm still all owie when I move, sit, stand, sleep, breathe...

But I digress.

Today, I turn 40. I've lived the past 20 years in a sort of haze and when I think back to my 20th birthday, I wonder just who that girl is that I was. I'm not her anymore even though I sort of miss the her I used to be.

I miss the "up for anything"ness that she had, the joie de vive, the passion for making others happy. I miss all the friendships that she had, the fun and the freedom.

But I don't miss many aspects of her. Things that I have changed in the past 20 years. I am wiser, a bit more knowledgeable in the ways of the world, not as much of a push over...

However, I'm not satisfied with myself. I feel like I've totally wasted the past 20 years. "If I'd only..." sits in my mind, on my lips, in my waking thought.

"If I'd only kept up losing the weight I lost back in '96..."

"If I'd only left that job sooner and taken the other one offered to me..."

"If I'd only watched my money better..."

"If I'd only..."

And yet, so much has changed in 20 years. All 4 of us kids have gotten married, one divorced and married again and another just divorced (so far!). Kids have been born and even a great nephew has come into my life. I'm a Godmother 4 times over. I've gotten married and have accepted that I really am NOT parent material. (LOL)

I've taught Sunday School for longer than these 20 years and I've come to know many kids who, I hope, will always be "my kids" my friends. I've lost good friends and gained others. I've lost parts of me that I never wanted to lose and don't know how to retrieve.

I've seen the death of my beloved Grandpa W, of my first boy-cat, TarBaby, of other much loved kitties...Baby Bo, Rascal, Emmy, Clio and my most beloved Oscar. I've witnessed death of others in my job in the ER. Seen the crashing of lives, the uplifting of others at a birth or death turned away.

And I've faced death myself. I think part of my still feeling like a "child" in my mind is that, I don't want to feel death pressing down on me. I don't want to wake up when I'm 60 and think "well hell, another 20 years wasted!" I don't want to waste these precious years that God has given me.

Now, I just have to figure out what all that means.

And really, today I turn, not just 40 but 4. 4 years ago, I almost died in the Emergency Room. I bled out...I was on the verge of death. The ER Doc didn't know if I'd survive the trip to a city hospital but he knew, without a doubt, I wouldn't survive if they admitted me to the small County hospital where I was.

I keep getting bits and pieces of that day told to me. It still frightens me and somehow it sorta pisses me off. LOL I mean, I was THATCLOSE to going HOME.

But it wasn't time. God has plans for me. I don't know what they are but I do know that they do NOT involve wasting these next 20, 40, and (who knows) maybe 60 years left to me. I refuse to waste them.

So, as I turn both 4 and 40, I pray that God will show me the way. That He will continue to bring me back from my health downturn and help me to live strong.

Because, without Him, I am nothing. With Him? I am everything.