101 in 1001

1. Knit a pair of socks
2. Knit a pair of fingerless gloves
3. Read the entire Bible
4. Start donations for shelter cats
5. Reduce monthly "allowance" spending to under $100 for 6 months consecutively
6. Learn to sew on a machine
7. Learn to bake bread from scratch
8. Learn to Can
9. Establish a housekeeping routine (ie FlyLady)
10. Establish a daily Bible Study
11. Establish and keep an exercise routine (at least 6 months in a row)
12. Walk a 5k
13. Establish a sleep routine
14. Learn to make applesauce (like Grandma)
15. Knit a lace shawl
16. Become more involved with politics
17. Cook a turkey
18. Clean out and donate clothes
19. Copy Mom and Grandma's recipes
20. Journal my points everyday for 3 months straight.
21. Find a subject to research and write about. (fairy tales?)
22. Participate in NaNoWriMo
23. Buy a funky wig AND wear it out in public
24. Volunteer more at Church
25. Learn to work with precious metal clay
26. Take beading classes. (down in Milford?)
27. Organize/create database for my book collection
28. Set up a work bench for jewelry making
29. Organize bead collection
30. Create database for beads to make it easier to see what I have and what to charge.
31. Establish a Prayer routine
32. Restart my "5 things to do today" list and continue it for 3 months in a row.
33. Transfer CDs to iPod/computer
34. Get back to writing book reviews for each book I read.
35. Write a series of short stories. (M says 10 total)
36. Learn to play the guitar.
37. Send packages and cards to my college students each quarter
38. Write a letter of gratitude to someone at least once every 3 months
39. Redecorate the Bathroom
40. Have a garage sale
41. Organize bedroom
42. Organize a system for the mail
43. Figure out a place of Mike to put his keys and wallet and reclaim the bookshelf.
44. Surprise Mike with a candlelit dinner at least once every couple of months.
45. Plant an herb garden
46. Plant a vegetable garden
47. Knit a scarf to give away
48. Start a charity knitting/needlework group at Church
49. Look into doing a Christmas Jar.
50. Give with Mite boxes 12 times
51. Create a fire escape plan and practice it
52. Organize an emergency kit.
53. Take a pet first aid class
54. Establish a bedtime routine.
55. Get back to blogging on Strawberry's Whine
56. Learn to shoot a gun
57. Be able to do 50 “real” (not girly) pushups.
58. Draft and get notarized a Living Will
59. Create and achieve 5 goals for candle biz in 2012
60. Memorize 10 hymns
61. Build a cat tree
62. Write a letter to 5 people letting them know how important they are to me.
63. Write 5 “praise letters” to businesses to thank them for a job well done
64. Make a list of 101 positive things about myself
65. Get my ears pierced again
66. Try Absinthe
67. Start recording (saving on blog or via computer) my “conversations with my brain”
68. Confront my molester
69. Do project 365.
70. Make homemade jam.
71. Sew an apron and use it.
72. Knit a purse.
73. Organize my Bare Escentuals collection
74. Make a pie from scratch (crust and filling)
75. Organize my kitchen cabinets.
76. Start and maintain a prayer journal for 6 months
77. Have the carpeting replaced
78. Paint the house. (interior)
79. Paint the front door
80. Memorize 10 Bible verses every 6 months.
81. Completely organize the office
82. Put the flag up.
83. Watch the sunrise 10 times. (not staying up all night to do so)
84. Start a Savings account
85. Pay off all credit cards
86. Send someone flowers “just because”
87. Go stargazing with Mike
88. Start hiking with Mike
89. Decorate for Christmas in 2012 and 2013
90. Complete the “50 Questions that will free your mind”
91. Send and receive 10 postcards from postcrossing.com
92. Create a “Goal Board” for Weight Watchers
93. Keep a journal for the whole 1001 days. (at least 1 entry per every 3 days)
94. Redecorate the living room
95. Work up to the 3 mile tape of WATP
96. Learn to cross stitch/needlepoint
97. Create a list of 101 “must read” books and share on book review site
98. Have basement cleaned
99. Donate to MMM once every 6 months
100. Write down everything we spend money on for 2 months and create a budget.
101. Every Sunday for 6 months, make lunch for the next week.

Yahoo!

Well! I'm back and ready to start blogging again. I received a really nice laptop from my husbunny for Christmas so I don't have to worry about putting my fist through the monitor of my desktop. It got to the point where I'd get to a page and the computer would freeze.

I'm going to be doing the 101 in 1001 challenge again. Haven't decided where to post the list, here or Facebook. I have some great goals on there so I'm really looking forward to get started!

Happy New Year everyone!

Figured out how

So, last night M and I were hanging out in bed and he was feeling a bit...uh...frisky. Sadly, I'm in a bad fibro flare and was feeling anything BUT. Just the touch of his hand made me want to cry and I felt HORRIBLE that I had to turn him down.

We lay there for a bit and I asked him if he was mad at me. He of course said "NO!" and then after a minute he asked "what is it like?"

I thought about it for a bit and then came up with this...

Do you remember how you felt when you were in the typing lab at school? How the typing, while in the background, was enough to send you over the edge? How sometimes you were lucky and it faded into static that you could still hear but wasn't enough to actually bother you but most of the time you wanted to rip people's fingers off?

He replied "yeah"

I responded: That's what the pain is like. It's constantly there even if it's not at the forefront. I'm never free of it...it's there like a time bomb just clicking down the seconds. It drains me of any will to do the activities I really enjoy, most especially the physically active ones but even the mental ones like reading. Sometimes I hurt so badly all I can do is lay in the bed and whimper because the "clacking of the keys" makes me want to shoot myself in the head just so it would END once and for all.

He then blinked at me a few times and said, in a quiet voice, "damn. I knew you were strong but...damn."

Funny...I don't feel strong. I'd rather have that than what I have... :o)

And the grump of the day

So, Sunday I was playing with my iPod and it suddenly decided to turn itself off. When I finally was able to get it back on, I couldn't connect to the wi-fi at all. So, M and I tried all of the steps involved in restoring everything including syncing and restoring the complete device.

I was told that, if I synced it BEFORE restoring, everything would be in my iTunes folder and I wouldn't lose any apps or music.

Yeah. Right.

Not only did I lose EVERYTHING, the iPod STILL won't connect to the wi-fi. I call and am told "Oh, you need to have it repaired. You need to send it to...blah blah blah" I didn't even really get a chance to hear how much it would cost. I DID hear that I wouldn't actually get MY iPod back, no, I'd get a refurbished one. Um. I don't care for that at all. I know it's standard but still. I've had my iPod about a year! Shouldn't it still be under warranty??

M said "well perhaps we'll just get you a new one. You want a 4thGen right?" Yeah, yeah I do and I also would like a pony and a lollipop and for rainbows to shoot from my ass when I fart.

Because I KNOW the reply will be "well, we don't have the money right now" and I'll be iPodless for a year or so.

Cleopatra Exhibit at the Cincinnati Museum Center

This past Saturday the Husbunny and I went to see Cleopatra. It's been a VERY long time since I've been to the Museum Center but I was excited. I love learning and Cleopatra is one of my favorite subjects.

The exhibit was amazing. I can't even begin to tell you what it felt like to be in a room full of artifacts that are older than the Disciples. One of the granite pieces was a type of sanctuary for Maahes a Lion shaped god. The hieroglyphics were breathtaking. I stood in front of the piece for about 10 minutes just absorbing the detail and the almost pristine nature of most of the glyphs. I WISH I could have taken a photo of this piece alone but, alas, no photos were allowed. *sigh*

The jewelry was, of course, an interest of mine. There was a ring that astounded M with its detail and the fact that, if seen in a store today, it wouldn't be out of place or "antique". There was a pendant bead that was smaller than my pinkie nail but was so intricately carved it almost looked machine made.

It was an amazing exhibit and I wouldn't mind going again. Total love!

Huh? What?? Eh???

Do you know, I completely forgot that I have a blog? *headshake* Yes, I'm serious and Yes, I'm going to be TRYING to be MUCH better at updating this thing.

Of course, I really should have something to say before I go promising that I'm going to be updating it. I'm sure NO ONE wants to read about my actual whining no matter what the title of this blog is.

However, whining is something I need to do right now...

I hurt. All over. Aching. Owing. Feeling used hard and put up wet.

I'm still taking my meds for fibro but they're starting to fail me. The PM&R asked me earlier this month if I wanted to go up in dosage but since I JUST started WWers, I REALLY don't want to take more of a medication where the first listed side effect is "weight gain". I'd REALLY like a huge dose of pain meds that will just knock all the pain out...or at least another beautiful trigger point shot...but those trigger point shots are full of steroids and...not good for weight loss!

So, I'm trying to ease the pain with hot baths and vicodin. It helps but after the vicodin wears off, I'm back in pain again. Eh well...

Enough whining.

Today, I turn 40.

So, as everyone who actually knows me knows, today, October 7th, is my 40th birthday.

I certainly don't feel 40 in my mind. Heck, mentally I think I'm still about 12 years old. Maybe 16. Absolutely not 40.

Physically, well...that's a totally different story. I think I'm about 80 in the physical feeling sense. I'm getting better (thank you Lyrica!) and I'm working on it but...I'm still all owie when I move, sit, stand, sleep, breathe...

But I digress.

Today, I turn 40. I've lived the past 20 years in a sort of haze and when I think back to my 20th birthday, I wonder just who that girl is that I was. I'm not her anymore even though I sort of miss the her I used to be.

I miss the "up for anything"ness that she had, the joie de vive, the passion for making others happy. I miss all the friendships that she had, the fun and the freedom.

But I don't miss many aspects of her. Things that I have changed in the past 20 years. I am wiser, a bit more knowledgeable in the ways of the world, not as much of a push over...

However, I'm not satisfied with myself. I feel like I've totally wasted the past 20 years. "If I'd only..." sits in my mind, on my lips, in my waking thought.

"If I'd only kept up losing the weight I lost back in '96..."

"If I'd only left that job sooner and taken the other one offered to me..."

"If I'd only watched my money better..."

"If I'd only..."

And yet, so much has changed in 20 years. All 4 of us kids have gotten married, one divorced and married again and another just divorced (so far!). Kids have been born and even a great nephew has come into my life. I'm a Godmother 4 times over. I've gotten married and have accepted that I really am NOT parent material. (LOL)

I've taught Sunday School for longer than these 20 years and I've come to know many kids who, I hope, will always be "my kids" my friends. I've lost good friends and gained others. I've lost parts of me that I never wanted to lose and don't know how to retrieve.

I've seen the death of my beloved Grandpa W, of my first boy-cat, TarBaby, of other much loved kitties...Baby Bo, Rascal, Emmy, Clio and my most beloved Oscar. I've witnessed death of others in my job in the ER. Seen the crashing of lives, the uplifting of others at a birth or death turned away.

And I've faced death myself. I think part of my still feeling like a "child" in my mind is that, I don't want to feel death pressing down on me. I don't want to wake up when I'm 60 and think "well hell, another 20 years wasted!" I don't want to waste these precious years that God has given me.

Now, I just have to figure out what all that means.

And really, today I turn, not just 40 but 4. 4 years ago, I almost died in the Emergency Room. I bled out...I was on the verge of death. The ER Doc didn't know if I'd survive the trip to a city hospital but he knew, without a doubt, I wouldn't survive if they admitted me to the small County hospital where I was.

I keep getting bits and pieces of that day told to me. It still frightens me and somehow it sorta pisses me off. LOL I mean, I was THATCLOSE to going HOME.

But it wasn't time. God has plans for me. I don't know what they are but I do know that they do NOT involve wasting these next 20, 40, and (who knows) maybe 60 years left to me. I refuse to waste them.

So, as I turn both 4 and 40, I pray that God will show me the way. That He will continue to bring me back from my health downturn and help me to live strong.

Because, without Him, I am nothing. With Him? I am everything.

Been awhile, huh?

There really isn't much to report. Just had some thoughts aired on the local news last night. It was pretty cool. Would have been cooler if I'd have been watching and hadn't just heard it from Mom. LOL

Other than that, Nothing new is under my sun. Going with M to get my eyes tested tomorrow. I'm having trouble seeing the computer screen. Have to squint. Same with the TV. Stupid eyes! I can't lose you! How would I read??

am I getting somewhere?

So I've been referred to a pain management specialist. Something called a PM&R which stands for Physical Medicine & Rehabilitation. The new Doc is REALLY nice and I finally feel like someone (besides M and Mom and Dad) is taking my pain complaints seriously.

I had an MRI last Thursday and I go for an EMG on the 10th of August. After that, I see the Doc again and we go over the test results. I'm praying it's nothing worse than fibromyalgia. Of course, if it's something that's MORE than fibro but is FIXABLE, that would be okay too.

But I'm pretty much thinking it's fibro. I have all the symptoms, the pain trigger points and things of that nature. I don't sleep and I have some MAJOR depression going on lately.

But Mom gave me a bunch of papers about fibro and there's a support group that meets near here that I might check out. It would be nice to have some support other than my husband and parents.

K-sis made me laugh yesterday. We were having lunch and they were having burgers. (I had a chicken sandwich) She wanted pickles to go on the sandwich so she went looking for them. None in the 'fridge so Mom went to the pantry. Brought out a jar of them. K-sis looked at the expiration date and about had a heart attack. 1996 or something like that.

But they were pickles! Pickles don't go bad. She wouldn't listen to us so Grandma and I both ate some. They were squishy, as old pickles tend to get, but they tasted fine. K-sis said "when you have diarrhea I can say I told you so." and Mom said "Do you think she'd admit it to you?" We laughed and K-sis said "I bet she'd blame it on her sickness!" I giggled and said "well, at least being chronically sick has it's uses!" We started teasing her saying things like "here, have a burger! It's only 15 minutes old" and things like that. She's so much fun. I miss her when she's not here even though we aren't CLOSE like she and M-K-youngest's wife. Heck she and K-youngest are closer. But, since we don't really have much in common other than being sisters, I understand.

Other than that, there isn't much going on with me. Millie and Mia continue to delight and frustrate me. They're sweet babies and love to cuddle up when we go to bed. Xander and Willow are my sweetiekins. I adore them.

Diabetes update

Woo Hoo! Got my A1c back yesterday, 5.9!!! I'm so excited about that.

In other health news, I'm scheduled to see a PM&R doc on Monday. I'm looking forward to it. I really want to stop hurting.

Other than that, life has just been life. I've been having a couple of good days (pain wise) so I took advantage of it today and cleaned and tried out a few yoga videos. I'm trying to break my internet addiction. At least, some of it. LOL

Okay, off to bed.

How I deal with my diabetes

There seems to be some…confusion? Consternation? Judgmental idiocy?... concerning how I handle my diabetes. Of course, all of this could have been avoided if, just IF, the people all “concerned” about me would have just ASKED and not ASSUMED and JUDGED based on their perceived notions of just what I do for my diabetes care.

1. I lie about my numbers when they’re high.

In fact, I do NOT lie about my numbers. I don’t omit them out of “fear” or “to be shifty” or “shy” about them. I’m more than willing to talk about my numbers to anyone who actually asks about them. When I’m dealing with a “friend” who seems to need to talk about their numbers rather than pay attention to what *I* happen to be saying, I do the RIGHT thing and pay attention to them. I pretty much have a sieve for a brain these days so, if I forget to mention them AFTER the other conversation ends, well then just sue me and tell me “forget the whole damn thing” ‘cause apparently, I’m just a lying bitch who’s trying to get your goat and snow you on how I’m really doing.

2. I rely only on my medication for my diabetes care

Yeah. Right. And pink bunnies poof out of my ass every time I fart. I may not be able to be as active as some people are but I AM active. I do what needs to be done and damn the pain. I’ve learned to live with constant debilitating pain for the last three years. What the hell would make this any different? So I don’t walk out in the noonday sun with a dog jaunting merrily by my side. But I DO have things that I do. Just because I don’t do things YOUR way doesn’t mean I’m wrong or lazy. It doesn’t mean that I rely only on my medications to keep my glucose in check. I have my routine. I eat my meals when I’m supposed to eat, I take my meds, I do my chores, I try to get some exercise in everyday even if it hurts. Especially because I know what exercise does for me. I know it’s really the key to everything.

3. I want to be off meds but I say I love my meds

Truthfully, I do love my meds. They are the ONLY thing that has ever made me feel “normal” in regards to my eating and weight loss. I tried the no meds thing. I failed miserably. Over and over and over again.

You see, this whole “diabetes” thing isn’t all that new to me. I had the precursor, Insulin Resistance. So I got the books and I studied them, I talked with my Doctors (yep, plural!) about what I was doing and not doing, I did Weight Watchers and exercised every day.

And I failed. Over and over and over again. I just absolutely can not do it without my meds.

That doesn’t stop me from wishing it were different. Hell, I wish I didn’t have cancer and could grow more hair to cover up the fucking bald spot I have gratis of the IR. I can’t do anything about those either. So, wishing doesn’t make it better. Actually doing the things that MAKE it better, makes it better.

For me, that includes taking my “damn Byetta”. I say that with my tongue firmly in my cheek. Yeah the shit makes me nauseated…hell it’s a higher dose than I’m used to taking. Of course it’s going to make me nauseated. Until I get used to it. Oh and if I actually remember to take it 30 minutes before I eat. If I take it right before I eat, I get nauseated. I know this and sometimes have to suck it up and deal with it.

And look! This “friend” actually *GASP* asked me a question regarding my diabetes care? Of course, the question was snarky. Duh! Of course I’m not resigning myself to the “misery”. I KNOW what’s what. I KNOW that I fucked up and took it too late. And I resigned myself to knowing that, next time, I’d try to do better.

Realizing that this isn’t a game, it’s not something I have to do until I “get better”, that this is for LIFE, is pretty much a part of who I am now. It’s not like I’m a stranger to it.

4. I don’t handle my diabetes correctly.

My “friend” seems to think that they are the be all and end all of diabetes care management. “Friend” is wrong. I do what my Doctors (yep, plural again!), my Dietitian and my Diabetes Educator say I’m to do. MY numbers seem “wrong” to “friend”. Well DUH! They’re *MY* numbers! “FRIEND’S” numbers are going to be different. They’ll be in the ball park but they’re still going to be different.

Diabetes isn’t a “one size fits all” disease. It’s different for every human being that has the sad misfortune to have it. Everyone of us needs to learn how their diabetes effects them and how to make their life work, not around the diabetes, but with the diabetes.

For some, that means hard work with diet and exercise. I totally applaud those who can do it this way. I do hope that, one day, with the help of my meds, I can eventually get to the place where diet and exercise will work better than the meds. But that’s in the future.

Today I’m focusing on what I CAN do. I CAN take my meds. I CAN watch what I eat. I CAN be more active. It’s going to take time for me. I’m dealing with MUCH MORE than just the damn diabetes.

5. My conclusion.

I’m tired. I’m tired of this worthless body breaking down on me every time I turn around.

I’m tired of being afraid of my birthday, wondering just what’s going to happen THIS year.

I’m tired of being in constant pain. Of HAVING to take pain medication every single day JUST so I can get out of bed.

I’m tired of being treated like I’m a child. Like I don’t know what is right for ME. (yes I’m looking at YOU “friend”.)

I’m tired of people talking down to me instead of accepting that I am, actually, an intelligent ADULT human being. Not someone who is slow and doesn’t understand basic concepts let alone complex ones.

I’m tired of being scared of my body. Of each new twinge or stab. Thinking that “shit, what if this is the one…”

I’m tired of waking up at night, scared out of my mind thinking that I’ve been buried alive because I actually didn’t survive the trip to the ER that cold October morning.

I’m tired of being tired.

And most of all, I’m tired of having to defend myself to people who want to impose all of their “knowledge” onto me instead of thinking, “hey, she’s a big girl now! Why don’t I ask her how she deals with things instead of thinking she’s “special” and imposing MY point of view on her.”

So let’s just say I’m going to live my life the way I know how to live it. If you have a HELPFUL suggestion (that means DO NOT FUCKING LECTURE ME) I’d be glad to hear it. And I reserve the right to say “No, thank you.” And continue on my way.

so much for everyday

So I haven't posted in quite awhile. It's been one of those years here at Casa de Strawberry.

Aggie is still missing and, while my heart is healing a bit, I miss her just as much today as I did the night she went on walkabout. Little stinker.

Been trying to get M to agree to adopting 3 kittens from the shelter. They are the SWEETEST babies and, really, Xander NEEDS playmates. He's bored and drives me nuts in the morning when he thinks Mommy should be up and playing instead of sleeping like normal people. And by morning I mean 3 am.

M and I were in an auto accident in May. I still have the bruises on my boob and chest. Those were particularly nasty ones. My chest still hurts as does my back and sides. ER Doc only x-rayed my right hand and wrist, which coincidentally didn't bruise and wasn't the thing that hurt the worst on me. (That would have been my back and OTHER arm...where the bruise was. Oh, and the chest. Where the bruise on my rib was.) So Dr D sent me for more x-rays and let me know that I wasn't really broken from the accident.

However, because I'm me and nothing in my life can ever go easily, I have some very severe degeneration of my bones in my back, spine and ribs and hips. I knew it was coming, I just figured it would happen later rather than sooner.

So I'm getting along as much as I can. M is the most perfect husband ever by understanding when I can't do as much as I feel I should. HE is the one that keeps telling me to "take it easy. None of this is going anywhere." He's my good Bunny Hon.

Blood sugars are coming up more normal than they've been since just before the accident. I think I'm stressing much less and I'm also not comfort eating. I do need to step up the exercise even more but, it would be SO much easier if I had a pool where I could do the exercises without more joint damage. Work out a day and am in pain for 4 days after that. I know that eventually the pain will lessen...a bit...but I also know that my joints and other bones are just disintegrating because of all that very high does radiation I "suffered" back with the cancer. And don't forget the poison...I mean chemo. *sigh*

God's going to get me through this. He has a purpose for all this pain. Even if it's just letting me be a humped backed old lady who can still praise Him in spite of her pain. I can do it.

But only with Him.

Depression truly sucks

It's been 4 weeks since Aggie was lost. I've pretty much given up hope that she'll ever come home. Maybe she will and maybe she won't. I just wish she was here now.

I'm so depressed I can barely move. I don't know how to talk about it. I don't know to whom I can talk about it. I try to talk with M but he's on his own kick about something...I don't know what...can't really figure it out...

He tries to listen and to console and to help...but it doesn't help. It just makes me more depressed.

I went out in the sun today to try and help lift the depression but...it worked for about 20 minutes and then I was right back to where I was before the "exposure".

Trying to talk to Mom about it would just return to "well you need to trust God". Um duh? *G*

I do trust God for everything. I talk to Him about the depression and what I can do about it but...it seems everlasting. I just can't shake it.

I want to talk with BF about it (and yes, I know you're reading this) but she's going through so much right now...I just find it hard to lay stuff on her. She's so depressed and hurting that it just seems wrong to dump on her. It makes me feel all competent 'n stuff. NOT. LOL

But. Depression sucks. It hurts. It reeks.

She's still missing

It's been a week and 2 days now. Still no Aggie. Still no sign.

I miss her. I miss her snuggling on my hip at night, the way she'd poke on M's belly. That far away look in her eye, the way she'd sleep with her face "planted".

And I struggle with thoughts of "why God?"

I pray He brings her home soon. It stormed tonight so...maybe she'll be looking for Mommy and Daddy.

Gads I miss her.

Ranting

It's 6:30 am here and I haven't been to sleep.

I don't even know what I came in here to say. I'm pretty much a mess right now. Every molecule in my body aches to hold Aggie right now. To pet on her and to play fetch with her. Even to have her flick water from her water bowl onto my freshly cleaned mirror.

We're considering hiring a pet detective. I have ads in all over the place. I don't know anything else to do.

And yet...I feel so helpless. And if I'm honest, I feel like God isn't even listening to me. Which I know, deep down, isn't true...but sometimes I really REALLY hate that He won't talk to us directly anymore. Just doesn't seem fair. All those Old Testament guys got to talk to God...sometimes even FACE TO FACE! *WE* are stuck with a Book.

I KNOW I'm ranting and raving. I KNOW that that Book is wonderful and full of wisdom and love and peace and...and...and...

But sometimes you NEED to have that face to face conversation. Sometimes all the Scripture in the world doesn't HELP. You need to have HIS arms PHYSICALLY around you. To HEAR HIS voice telling you that it's going to be okay.

I mean...HE IS GOD for heaven's sake!!! WHY can't HE just do what I want this time? Right now? Ease my pain. Heal my broken heart. Wipe away my tears. Why do I have to sit by and spout things like "He'll take care of us. Even if Aggie never comes back, it'll be okay..."

Bull. It WON'T be okay. It DOESN'T make me feel better. He feels so dang far away right now. I've prayed. I've confessed. I've asked for guidance and faith and healing...

and I hurt. Darn it. I HURT. I want to scream all sorts of obscenities and flip the bird to the heavens and break things and throw things and punch things. To punch Him, if I'm completely honest.

Some of you reading this might be thinking "sheesh, Kae! It's just a cat! People are losing their HUMAN children everyday and you're going on and on and on about a dang cat. Get a GRIP!"

But my cats aren't "just" cats. They're my family. They're the ones that greet me every morning, curl up with me every night. The ones that make me laugh and cry and yell and scold and praise...they're my children. My friends. My companions.

And I've lost 3 of them in the last 3 years. Clio, Emmy and Oscar. It hasn't even been a whole year since Oscar has been gone. I've only just taken down the last IV bag from the bathroom lights where I put it so I could have easy access when Oscar needed his fluids.

Now Aggie is missing and my heart is being ripped from my chest and shredded yet again. And I feel like, if He really loved me, if He really wanted me to be happy and joyful and whatever, He would get off his butt and make everything all better. To *poof* Aggie back into my arms, safe, sound, protected.

There are coyotes out there. Yes, even in Ohio we have coyotes. My parent's cat barely escaped one. Aggie has no teeth. I'm so scared for her.

I feel like I should delete this. To not even post it at all. But I'm going to post it. I need you all to read it. I need my friends to hear me. I need you guys to pray hard for me. Not just about Aggie, but about everything I've said above. I feel so scared that, even as I've spoken everything He already knows and He can handle, He'll be mad at me...

And I need someone, anyone, to tell me that's not true. To hold my hand, even if it's metaphorically, and to remind me of all His promises.

Because I'm just not getting it right now. And that makes me saddest of all.

She's still missing

And I'm still going out of my mind.

I put ads on Craigslist and Petfinder.com. I put an ad in the Community Journal. We'll be making posters later today (it's 5 am. I can't sleep) I'm going to get my SS kids...well, my former SS kids, they're now just my friends...to help me make the posters. We're going to put out leaflets and I'm going to knock on doors with her picture.

But I had a horrible thought. There are COYOTES OUT THERE. They're mean! And they EAT KITTIES.

Oh God! Please please please don't let Aggie get hurt by a coyote!

PLEASE BRING HER HOME!!!!

Aggie is missing

We've looked all over for her. I've shaken the food bags, rattled the gooshy food dishes, called for her...we can't find her.

We've looked outside. Stupid flashlight gives out and I can't find my damn batteries. I KNOW I have batteries...I just bought a huge pack of them...but where they hell they've gotten to? I have no clue.

I'm so angry over this. I KNOW I don't have any reason to be angry but...

As much as I don't want to say it, I feel like it's Mike's fault. I KNOW it's not but...he's so in tune with the damn universe and yet he doesn't notice a freaking thing.

But, the rational part of me KNOWS that he didn't MEAN to not see Aggie slip out.

He's not even fucking awake right now. I've been sitting here for hours watching the glass door waiting to see her little head pop up and for her to meow and say "Mommy! Daddy! I've missed you! I'm home!"

And he's asleep. He's been asleep since 11pm. How the crap can he sleep when I'm crying my heart out, bone deep sobs, longing for my kitty cat to just COME. HOME.

Oh God. I hurt. I want my baby home. I want her HERE. She...she can't take care of herself out there! She doesn't have any TEETH!!!

I need her. I can't...I can't lose her this close to losing Oscar.

I just want to scream at God and Mike and some more at Mike and some more at God. I want to scream GOD DA***!!!!!!!!! until my lungs burst and I don't have to FEEL anymore.

I'm so TIRED of pain. So very fucking tired of it all. Dammit! WHY IS SHE GONE? WHERE DID SHE GO? WHY ME? WHY HER? WHY, GOD, WHY????

GIVE HER BACK TO ME NOW!

Just go away already!

Look, I know you're alone now and I know that you don't think you did anything wrong. But you did. You threatened my life, threatened my husband, my marriage, my family, my cats and my Church. All because you didn't get your way. All because I took away your "free" phone that we were letting you use...but which you apparently COULDN'T use to call and tell me you couldn't make it over which precipitated this entire...fight, blow up...whatever.

So suck it up. I'm tired of your bullshit. I'm tired of you calling out my Christianity when I do something human. Or when I do something that YOU don't like. Or you want to start a fight so you can have the pleasure of yelling at someone.

I'm tired of being your doormat. Of being your ATM. Of being anything at all to you. I'm tired of it. I don't deserve it.

I didn't deserve to have you tell me that my "fat ass" was causing all your car troubles. That because I'm fat, your car needs more work.

I didn't deserve to have you lump me in with your low life, scum sucking, crack headed, whore ex girlfriends. I didn't deserve to have you tell me that you were going to "take care of ALL you BITCHES".

I didn't deserve to have you try and make me feel guilty by you threatening to feed your cats antifreeze. You are damn lucky I didn't call Animal Control right then and there. I should have. YOU don't deserve those sweet cats. But I don't want them to suffer the sleepy shot. Unless they'd be better off. And you'd better believe I'll be making sure they're okay. I have my ways.

You feel so entitled that you screamed at me because M and I are good responsible pet parents and we make sure our cats have food BEFORE we go out and buy things for ourselves. We didn't buy a $600 TV and an expensive computer BEFORE spaying and neutering the 10 or so cats you've "taken in". Not to mention the fact that we buy our litter before we buy anything for ourselves.

But no, YOU thought that M and I should feed your cats and provide them litter while you spent all your money on computers and TVs and...*gasp* dope. I'm not stupid. I know you're still getting high and stoned off the prescription drugs and marijuana. Like I said, you don't deserve those sweet cats.

Especially poor Tessa. She doesn't deserve to be hurting the way you are LETTING her hurt. I am so angry with you right now for texting to try and guilt me into being your friend again because the poor sweetie is dying. Dying because YOU are too much of a fucking asshole to take her to the vet. You shit. You piece of spooge. I have half a mind to come over there and forcibly take her away from you and give her the home she deserves.

Just go away already. Leave me alone. I'm done with you. I've tried my best to be a good friend to you for 27 freaking years. And all you've done is crap on me.

It's over. FOAD

Computers and Scents and friends OH MY!

So, the perfumes are selling...not quite like hotcakes but really well considering. Thanks to all who have been so very generous as to take the unable to be loved scents off to new and loving homes!

My computer has been felled with a virus. M swears it was just spyware but I don't agree. Thankfully he's the bestest guy ever and he's made everything just like new! Lurve my hun bun!

and friends. *sigh* Well, former friends. Why can't he just get it through his thick head that I don't want him in my life anymore? Our friendship is over after what he did to me and said to me.

More later.

Scents for Sale

Here is a list of the scents I'm selling. These don't work on me and need kind, loving homes where they will be appreciated and adored. Or at least where they'll inspire mucho purchases from the companies they're from. *G*

Shipping will be $3 for imps alone or $4 for bottles alone and bottle and imp combos. Prices are as marked. I can take Paypal just ask for my user name. I'm not good at shipping outside the country, but can try if need be.


IMP LIST

All imps, droplettes, posettes and cupcakes $1

BPAL

O **pending**
Dragon’s Reverie
Saturnalia
Muse (label stained)
Ophelia (label stained)
Versailles
The Coiled Serpent
Delirium (label curled and stained)
Eternal (label stained and damaged. Still legible)
Penthus (very slight stain on label)
Greed
Verdandi
Gaueko (label bent)
Pumpkin V 07 (decant)
Blood Kiss


Mythos Mixtures imps

Fire Boil
Valkyrie
The Mythos
Tussie Mussie (LE Yule 08)
Pear Tree (LE Yule 08)


Happy Housewife Cupcakes

Day of the Dead x 2 (one black cap, one white cap)
Dirty Jack
Archaefructis
Fractal Dance (some label stain)
Sail on, Silvergirl
Synesthia
Sinflower
The Wind

Natural Rituals

Vanilla Mocha Perfume Oil

Possets (all oil stained labels due to poor shipping)

Lambs
Fabienne
Frolic
Naples Yellow
Gingerbread Crackhouse
Gingerbread Whorehouse x 2
Junie
Midnight at Old St. Mary’s
The Girls…Posset
Hyde Park x 2
Over the Rhine
The Girls…Clubbing
Fluox Tine
Flossing
Orion
Id
The Girls…Pink Pepper
Eve
Lamp Black

Misc companies

Sedona – Mother Earth elixir
Nocturne Alchemy – Asp Venom
Cobalt Blends – Among the Holly
Woobie Bath – Mai Tai Waterfall

Bottles

All bottles priced as marked.

BPAL

Desire (cobalt bottle) $10
Sticky Pillowcase (08 Samhain full, tested cleanly once) $15
Hay Moon 08 $15
Irrelevant and…Crawdad Dream (Forum only LE 8/08) $15

Possets

Penelope (opened once to sniff) $8
Titanium White (opened only to sniff) $8
Brownian Motion x 2 (one tested once, other still closed.) $8 each
Depression x 2 (one tested once, other still closed) $8 each
Ghost Fart (tested once. Label stained.) $5
Girls Love…Limeys $8
Boom Boom (label stained) $7
Ohio (label stained) $7
High Tea (label stained) $7

Cremoso

Anointing oil – Howling Forever $ 8

Cobalt Blends

Irish Cream Tea $9 (tested cleanly once)

Pixie Potions

Bonfire – (tested cleanly once) $9 LE Samhain 08
Vampyre (opened to smell) $9 LE Samhain 08
Zombie Queen (opened to smell) $9 LE Samhain 08

Arcana

Poison Candy LE Samhain 08 (tested once cleanly) $10

Mythos Mixtures

Cute Sidekick (opened to smell only) $9 LE Epic Quest

Blooddrop

Cobwebs (opened only to smell) $9 LE Halloween 08
L’Shana Tova $9
Broomstick $9
There Wolf $9 (kooked out cinema LE)*
There Castle $9 (kooked out cinema LE)*
*(Both of the above going to one home? $17)