Birthday rambles

So. It's 12:08 Tuesday October 7th, 2008. I'm 39 today. Not quite so sure I'm ready for 39. I'm not old enough to be 39. I haven't gotten to BE what I wanted to be as a kid...*sigh*

Anyway, was talking with Mom tonight and lamented the fact that I was hanging onto 38 by a thread. Told her that I wasn't ready yet...that I didn't WANT to be 39 yet. She replied "well, just be thankful that you're ABLE to be 39."

Oh. Yeah. That.

3 years ago today I died. Well, the old me died. The me that was sick and had been sick for a very long time. In a mass of blood and fear and craziness, I died.

And then I woke up and things that should have gone on as normal didn't. I had cancer. The big "C". Whatever. It sucked and I was stuck.

But, looking back on the past three years, I didn't have the worst time of my life with the cancer. I had something to fight for, something to focus on, something that meant something. My life.

So when did that focus go away? Why did it fade? Is my life no longer worth fighting for, no longer meaningful? Don't I have MORE meaning now that I have M as my husband and the kitty kids?

I know that I've said over and over (ad infinitum) that I'm "going to lose weight" and I'm "going to exercise" and even I'm "going to take pictures of my work and make a website to sell stuff on". Oh and my all time favorite I'm "going to keep the house picked up and clean and make healthy dinners for M and I and work on the...blah blah blah"

What does it take to make this MEAN something to me? To shake me out of my doldrums and kick me in the ass and say WAKE UP YOU STUPID BRAINLESS BINT!! DON'T YOU KNOW YOU'RE JUST COMMITTING SUICIDE SLOWLY???? (for some reason, I hear James Marsters saying this in Spike's voice. Mmmmmmmmm Spiky goodness. Ahem.)

Because I tell myself that...over and over. Mainly at night when I'm wide awake because M is snoring so loud and his breathing is stopping and I have to shake him (unless he's already shaking 'cause that's a usual) and I get up and go into my old room and hangout with the truckers on WLW while I play the DS or ruminate on my life and how it can be the best ever thing in all the world (Marriage to my Bunny) and the wide gaping shithole that I've been living with from this crapin' depression and...face it...laziness.

*sigh* I know it's going to get better. I actually AM taking the bull by the balls this time and getting a sleep study done. The Doc took all sorts of blood work to see how the arthritis is going and told me "I really think we're just going to have to defer to a rhumatologist this time." Which is fine with me...if I can just get rid of the pain and stop the dang arthritis from spreading.

And I know that ONE way I can help RIGHT FREAKIN' NOW is to lose weight. Gah. I know I CAN do it...now I just have to WANT to do it. Really and truly and foreverly (don't you love my made up words? *G*) want to lose the weight. Get into shape.

If only I could find the secret motivation formula that would kick in until the real stuff wakes up and realizes that I'm for SERIOUS this time.

Yeah. that.

*sigh*

After 2 am...

M and I just got back from an emergency trip to the store. He broke his glasses and I couldn't find the super glue. *sigh* Luckily, he can see with my glasses so he did that to drive and I ran into the store and got some super glue.

It irks me on many levels that this has happened. M desperately needs new glasses but he keeps putting them off. "They're too expensive" *sigh* I guess now that he works for a company that actually MAKES the frames and OWNS the stores that sell them (at least on a contract to hire basis) it sort of makes sense to wait until he's hired full time. But still. It's a bit of a pet peeve.

Then there's the fact that I KNOW we have super glue in the house but I couldn't FIND the super glue. Oh where did he put it after using it the last time? Needless to say, I have no clue.

Hence the 2 am trip to the grocery.

Now it's almost 2:30 and I'm wide awake (it's freakin' FREEZING out there!) and I have weight watchers at 9 am. This I don't want to go to but I must. I've gained so much back in the height of my dramallamaness (ie: the depression) that I fear I've almost reached the starting point...again.

Feh. I really want to know who came up with the stupidest phrase of all "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels" so I can glue his or her lips shut with the super glue I just bought.

I mean, honestly, if thin REALLY felt better than any food on the face of the planet, would we REALLY have the obesity problem that is so prevalent in the world, especially the USA, that we have? Get with it folks! NOTHING feels as good as that damn Cinnabon tasted last night. *G* Well...maybe a nice lip lock with one of the two guys I currently adore...one for real and one for imagination time. *wink*

But I wouldn't have this problem if food didn't taste good. And it soooo tastes good.

*sigh* I remember I promised to write up my "reasons to take back control" and post them. I guess I forgot in the midst of that cinnamon stickiness. I'll get right on that...after I hit the sheets and dream a little dream of James...

*G*

Not bad...Not bad at all

So. After 3 weeks (well 6 really) of stuffing my feelings down with food and Halloween candy and ignoring my WWers stuff, I decided to Take Back Control. (more on that later)

Went to Weight Watchers today and found I've ONLY gained 4.5 lbs. WOO HOO! I was expecting something like 10. So you can imagine that I'm really okay with the 4.5. :o)

Got home and I've had 1/2 my water for the day and a bowl of, ug, oatmeal. I usually like the oatmeal but it wasn't very good today. Maybe I used too much milk.

Anyway, I've got some TBC things I'm working on implementing. I'll share 'em later on once I've finished them all.

Yay! ONLY 4.5!!!