so much for everyday

So I haven't posted in quite awhile. It's been one of those years here at Casa de Strawberry.

Aggie is still missing and, while my heart is healing a bit, I miss her just as much today as I did the night she went on walkabout. Little stinker.

Been trying to get M to agree to adopting 3 kittens from the shelter. They are the SWEETEST babies and, really, Xander NEEDS playmates. He's bored and drives me nuts in the morning when he thinks Mommy should be up and playing instead of sleeping like normal people. And by morning I mean 3 am.

M and I were in an auto accident in May. I still have the bruises on my boob and chest. Those were particularly nasty ones. My chest still hurts as does my back and sides. ER Doc only x-rayed my right hand and wrist, which coincidentally didn't bruise and wasn't the thing that hurt the worst on me. (That would have been my back and OTHER arm...where the bruise was. Oh, and the chest. Where the bruise on my rib was.) So Dr D sent me for more x-rays and let me know that I wasn't really broken from the accident.

However, because I'm me and nothing in my life can ever go easily, I have some very severe degeneration of my bones in my back, spine and ribs and hips. I knew it was coming, I just figured it would happen later rather than sooner.

So I'm getting along as much as I can. M is the most perfect husband ever by understanding when I can't do as much as I feel I should. HE is the one that keeps telling me to "take it easy. None of this is going anywhere." He's my good Bunny Hon.

Blood sugars are coming up more normal than they've been since just before the accident. I think I'm stressing much less and I'm also not comfort eating. I do need to step up the exercise even more but, it would be SO much easier if I had a pool where I could do the exercises without more joint damage. Work out a day and am in pain for 4 days after that. I know that eventually the pain will lessen...a bit...but I also know that my joints and other bones are just disintegrating because of all that very high does radiation I "suffered" back with the cancer. And don't forget the poison...I mean chemo. *sigh*

God's going to get me through this. He has a purpose for all this pain. Even if it's just letting me be a humped backed old lady who can still praise Him in spite of her pain. I can do it.

But only with Him.

To whom do you go?

I've been feeling down lately. I'm not sure if the effexor isn't working well anymore or if the absence of the byetta (and the resulting sugar rises and weight gain) is causing it, but I'm depressed.

I've found myself avoiding God, not reading, not praying, not even really talking with Him. I know this is not only a symptom of my depression, but also a cause of it. A never ending circle that just winds tighter and tighter with satan giggling over in the corner enjoying it all.

So I've been forcing myself to read the Bible but even what I'm reading feels like it's making the depression worse. I read some of the Psalms last night and that really helped but I want the words of Jesus, I want the Gospel, I want to be happy again.

And I don't know what to do.

Who do you go to to talk with when you feel like there's no one there? Who to you go to when you want an actual voice to respond?

And who do you go to when your spouse is desperately trying to understand but is a bit too involved with his gaming and other aspects of his life to really *listen* to you?

And when your best friend is even more depressed because of horrible job stuff and being away from her family for 4 days out of the week and you just don't want to burden her with MORE. (and shut up DogMom. This is me ranting here. ;o) )

I don't feel well. I just want to feel...NORMAL...again. Whatever the hell "Normal" is. I want it.

Never remember

There's so much I remember in this life. I remember the obscure places M puts his keys/glasses/wallet/tax information. I remember little weird bits of trivia that no one could ever REALLY want to know.

What I seem to NEVER remember is that I have a blog. And that I should be posting on it. Like, regularly. *G*

Anyway, life has been life and things have been pretty good for the most part 'round here. My diabetes was getting MUCH MUCH MUCH better with the help of Byetta but now the stupid Insurance company is farting around with trying to decide if I NEED it or not. (short answer? YES DAMMIT!) Actually, I REALLY want them to get off their buns and give me the higher dose.

All in all, though, I've lost about 40 lbs. I feel better, for the most part, and I find it easier to walk around...not huffing and puffing and all that. I feel better when ON the Byetta...of course...because I seem to sleep better and wake up with actual ENERGY instead of sleeping like crap and waking up still exhausted.


I'm still in the thrall of the indie perfume scene. Everyone has their Valentine's Day scents up but I'm being pretty good. I haven't ordered any of them...yet. I'm desperate for a few from both Happy Housewife and Blooddrop. I DO want to order from Blooddrop SOON because one of my favorite scents is going away (Garden Hoe) and I only have an imp of it. It's a very green, tomato plant, summery type smell. It's really delicious. Here's what Astrid (the beautiful "nose" behind the delicious preciouses) has to say about Garden Hoe:

With dirty knees and finger nails, sun burnt shoulders and nose you’re just happy to be outside in your garden! Tomato leaf, green bean vines, lettuce and a bit of earthiness for nourishment. No pesticides included.

It's sort of like getting your veggies in...only in sniffy-licious versions!

Even though I've pretty much limited my sniffy acquiring to "I SO know I'm going to LOVE this", I've run out of space in both of my Mini Lane Cedar Chests. (no, I don't buy from there. I look on Ebay. Actually, Mom gave me my first one and I got my second from Ebay. I have a bid on another.)

Maybe that's something I could do. Make Perfume Chests for people who collect Indie Perfumes. Hmmm....I'll have to look into that.

In other news, we have about 18" of snow right now. Might not be much to those of you who live in the North Western states but it has pretty much shut down Cincinnati for the day. M is home and curled up in bed with his laptop, occasionally logging into work and seeing what all's going on. Mostly I think he's just spaced out in front of NetHack. He's so addicted but won't admit it. Grrr.

Birthday rambles

So. It's 12:08 Tuesday October 7th, 2008. I'm 39 today. Not quite so sure I'm ready for 39. I'm not old enough to be 39. I haven't gotten to BE what I wanted to be as a kid...*sigh*

Anyway, was talking with Mom tonight and lamented the fact that I was hanging onto 38 by a thread. Told her that I wasn't ready yet...that I didn't WANT to be 39 yet. She replied "well, just be thankful that you're ABLE to be 39."

Oh. Yeah. That.

3 years ago today I died. Well, the old me died. The me that was sick and had been sick for a very long time. In a mass of blood and fear and craziness, I died.

And then I woke up and things that should have gone on as normal didn't. I had cancer. The big "C". Whatever. It sucked and I was stuck.

But, looking back on the past three years, I didn't have the worst time of my life with the cancer. I had something to fight for, something to focus on, something that meant something. My life.

So when did that focus go away? Why did it fade? Is my life no longer worth fighting for, no longer meaningful? Don't I have MORE meaning now that I have M as my husband and the kitty kids?

I know that I've said over and over (ad infinitum) that I'm "going to lose weight" and I'm "going to exercise" and even I'm "going to take pictures of my work and make a website to sell stuff on". Oh and my all time favorite I'm "going to keep the house picked up and clean and make healthy dinners for M and I and work on the...blah blah blah"

What does it take to make this MEAN something to me? To shake me out of my doldrums and kick me in the ass and say WAKE UP YOU STUPID BRAINLESS BINT!! DON'T YOU KNOW YOU'RE JUST COMMITTING SUICIDE SLOWLY???? (for some reason, I hear James Marsters saying this in Spike's voice. Mmmmmmmmm Spiky goodness. Ahem.)

Because I tell myself that...over and over. Mainly at night when I'm wide awake because M is snoring so loud and his breathing is stopping and I have to shake him (unless he's already shaking 'cause that's a usual) and I get up and go into my old room and hangout with the truckers on WLW while I play the DS or ruminate on my life and how it can be the best ever thing in all the world (Marriage to my Bunny) and the wide gaping shithole that I've been living with from this crapin' depression and...face it...laziness.

*sigh* I know it's going to get better. I actually AM taking the bull by the balls this time and getting a sleep study done. The Doc took all sorts of blood work to see how the arthritis is going and told me "I really think we're just going to have to defer to a rhumatologist this time." Which is fine with me...if I can just get rid of the pain and stop the dang arthritis from spreading.

And I know that ONE way I can help RIGHT FREAKIN' NOW is to lose weight. Gah. I know I CAN do it...now I just have to WANT to do it. Really and truly and foreverly (don't you love my made up words? *G*) want to lose the weight. Get into shape.

If only I could find the secret motivation formula that would kick in until the real stuff wakes up and realizes that I'm for SERIOUS this time.

Yeah. that.

*sigh*

After 2 am...

M and I just got back from an emergency trip to the store. He broke his glasses and I couldn't find the super glue. *sigh* Luckily, he can see with my glasses so he did that to drive and I ran into the store and got some super glue.

It irks me on many levels that this has happened. M desperately needs new glasses but he keeps putting them off. "They're too expensive" *sigh* I guess now that he works for a company that actually MAKES the frames and OWNS the stores that sell them (at least on a contract to hire basis) it sort of makes sense to wait until he's hired full time. But still. It's a bit of a pet peeve.

Then there's the fact that I KNOW we have super glue in the house but I couldn't FIND the super glue. Oh where did he put it after using it the last time? Needless to say, I have no clue.

Hence the 2 am trip to the grocery.

Now it's almost 2:30 and I'm wide awake (it's freakin' FREEZING out there!) and I have weight watchers at 9 am. This I don't want to go to but I must. I've gained so much back in the height of my dramallamaness (ie: the depression) that I fear I've almost reached the starting point...again.

Feh. I really want to know who came up with the stupidest phrase of all "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels" so I can glue his or her lips shut with the super glue I just bought.

I mean, honestly, if thin REALLY felt better than any food on the face of the planet, would we REALLY have the obesity problem that is so prevalent in the world, especially the USA, that we have? Get with it folks! NOTHING feels as good as that damn Cinnabon tasted last night. *G* Well...maybe a nice lip lock with one of the two guys I currently adore...one for real and one for imagination time. *wink*

But I wouldn't have this problem if food didn't taste good. And it soooo tastes good.

*sigh* I remember I promised to write up my "reasons to take back control" and post them. I guess I forgot in the midst of that cinnamon stickiness. I'll get right on that...after I hit the sheets and dream a little dream of James...

*G*

Lunar Eclipse

I just got in from watching the eclipse. Watched from start to completely full. Oh wow. I love things like this.

It was so cool to see the moon being "eaten up" a bit at a time. And then that last breathtaking moment just as the last tiny sliver slips away and you can see the glow of red-orange fire...

All I could think was "how magnificent are your works O Lord"

All Himself could say was "that's it? I didn't expect it to reflect that much light."

He's so unromantic.

But the eclipse. Way cool.

Now, sleep. I'm way tired.

Much better now

We argued it out. He sees where I am frustrated...I see where he is...well being himself. *sigh*

Anyway, it's over. I'm happy if still frustrated by the lack of staples (oh milk oh milk...where art thou milk?) and the thought that tomorrow I have to make dinner with pretty much nothing.

Yeah, I guess it's my fault for letting things get so low but, it's like pulling teeth from a caterpillar to get him to stop at the grocery...even when we're already out and about. And he did say we could go "if you just run in, get the milk and come back out." but I needed much more than milk. At least I made a damn list instead of expecting him to just wander around the store with me while I piddle farted around hemming and hawing.

*SIGH*

Oof.

BUT...I saw a knitting book that he said I could buy. Knit 2 Together by Tracy Ullman and Mel Clark. He's going to be happy when he finds that the $28 book is actually $5.50! *G* I just love a bargain and this is a GREAT book. Just got it home from the library and was flipping through...immediately started knitting a flower...so fun!

It's nice to be able to vent here though. I don't think he knows the address. Shall have to ponder giving it to him. *G*

GRRRR

So angry and frustrated right now.

Desperately need to hit the grocery for staples...totally out of Milk and good things for WWers. Himself said Tuesday "we'll go tomorrow". Wednesday: "we'll go tomorrow." Tonight. "we'll shop Saturday at 12:01 am while you get Harry Potter."

DAMMIT. I WANT TO GO NOW.

And it's not a matter of getting in the car and going myself. I. CAN'T. DRIVE. Not that I don't know how to drive...medically I CAN'T DRIVE.

So I'm expected to keep all of this inside myself and not let it out because it's his prerogative to just change plans on me whenever he freakin' feels like it.

Oh but God help me when *I* do it to him.


If I didn't love the asshole so much I'd bash him in the conk.


[/vent]

Why honey? Just why?

Why in the name of all that is and isn't in this world can't he put something where it belongs?

I mean, he gets close...I'll give him that. But it was one tiny little movement to put the used salad bag into the garbage can instead of on the sink next to the garbage can. Or the milk back into the fridge instead of on the counter next to the fridge...or...or...or...

And these all happened tonight. He wonders why the house gets so cluttered so quickly. Well if I'm in pain and can't do much, the stuff just piles up. Then he gets cranky and I get stressed and the pain levels rise until I'm in bed for days at a time...

It drives me crazy. But I love him and that's really all that matters in this world. He's mine. I'm his.

Warts and all.