At peace

At 5:45 this evening, Oscar passed onto the Rainbow Bridge quite peacefully. Before we went into the room, I was holding him and he sighed a little bit and put his head on my shoulder like he used to do as a kitten. He let me hold him throughout everything, except for the final bits. He needed to be stretched out a bit so the vet could find a vein that worked.

The Vet was super nice and treated Oscar with a great deal of dignity and respect. She explained the procedure even though we've been through it before. She gave Oscar the tranquilizer and left us alone to say our goodbyes before coming back in to give him the second injection.

I gave Oscar all the love I could in those final moments. I told him all about the big fat mice that couldn't run and the damn bird that he'd finally be able to catch. I told him what a good boy he always was and how very much I loved him and that there will never be another cat that will take his place. He'll be my forever baby boy.

And then, it was done. He was happy and healthy and chasing mice and hanging with his buddies again.

We buried him at Mom and Dad's. Dad had a beautiful spot all picked out and M dug the grave. I started to sob when M threw in the first bit of dirt and I couldn't watch as my beautiful baby boy was covered with dirt.

And then M took my hand, lead me back over to the graveside and said "let's say a prayer". And he thanked God for letting us have one of His angels in our lives and letting us care for him for a little while.

I know it was the right thing to do. He's happy now and I'll see him soon. Even if it's decades from now, I'll be with my baby boy again...soon.

Not been around

Sorry 'bout not being 'round lately, whiners. The body isn't playing nicely together. Not one thing, it's another.

But I'm out here...reading, thinking, yes...thinking! *G* ... getting perfumy orders in the mail.

Speaking of which...check out Blooddrops. I tried the order of Dandelion Wine that I received with my order. ZOMG smells like summer. YUM YUM. Do love. Tomorrow I may try the famous "Denny's after Rocky". Just HAD to get that one because...well...those of you who know me well know my love of Rocky. *G*

Off to bed now. Try to make la tum settle down and le migraine go. the. f. away!!!

I figured it out!

Okay, so in the world of "hatemail" or HTML, I can be rather dense.

But, as you can see my faithful Whiners, I figured out that damn cloud tag AND how to re-add my widgets. (actually, the widgets weren't hard. *G*)

But I figured it out after a tantrum the other night in an email to DogMom. *G* She's so very understanding about things...especially when I figure I'm just too stupid to do something. She's always there with an encouraging word. So, thanks DogMom!

And, just 'cause I figured it out...doesn't mean that I understand any of it. I just figured out how to follow the dang directions. *G* But I did it! Yay me!

Yet another day

Nothing remarkable to report for today. Nothing remarkable happened. Nothing earth shattering. Nothing.

But it was a pretty good day nonetheless. Just being slowly busy, took a nap (ahhh) and got a few things done. Sorta. *G*

Update on my Oscar monster...

He seems to be doing well. He visited M in the shower today. He hasn't done that in quite awhile and it used to be a daily event. He asked me for brush-brushes and sat "in" my lap. (between my legs...used to be his favorite spot.) All things that he hasn't done in awhile...so...here's hoping!

Of course, he still looks like and feels like a turkey carcass. I'm afraid to feed him too much protien because of his kidneys but the boy needs some weight put back on him!

The other cats are all doing well. Xander and Willow are slowly becoming friends with Aggie. Or is that the other way around? *G* Aggie is getting more tolerant as she realizes that the kittens will PLAY with her. Of course, when playtime is over (for Aggie) then it's OVER and she'll go into super bitch mode. But while they're playing, all is well and good.

The Bean (Willow) seems to have decided that MOMMY is her new favorite person. She's been sleeping with me and cuddling next to me on the sofa. Of course, this might have something to do with the "power of cheese" since Mommy shares and Daddy doesn't. *G*

Hopefully I'll be going "grocery" shopping at the Farmer's Market on Saturday. I'm tired of paying out the nose for bland tasting food. Granted, some of the stuff I've gotten lately hasn't been too bland, but for the most part I just want to support the local farmers and have fresh REALLY vine ripened tomatoes and other goodness on my plate.

There's a farm stand I want to check out tomorrow with my "chauffeur" J. Down in Eastgate off of Aicholtz road. Coincidentally, it's a part of the Aicholtz farm. *G* (interesting...google spell checker says that "Aicholtz" should be "Nicholas". Wonder how the heck they got THAT!)

Hmm. No other news or ponderings from me tonight. At least, not right now. Have a good night, Whiners. See ya tomorrow.

Fulfillment

So I was talking with M tonight as we were headed home from getting Oscar's medicine. I've been reading blogs from other friends and their friends...and their friend's friends...and it seems like so many people out there are really truly fulfilled by what they're doing in life.

Some are homeschooling their kids and yet still find time to pick berries and make jam and what sounds like an awesome strawberry lemonade concentrate. Others are child free and seem to have hobbies that fulfill them or give them something outside of themselves to perfect and enjoy.

M theorized that becoming fulfilled is easier for extroverts. That they find accomplishment in "outside" things. Not just outside the home but outside themselves. That for an introvert, it's more difficult because to be fulfilled, they need to not only be fulfilled outside of themselves but inside themselves as well.

I'm not sure if I agree with everything that M is saying. But, I have to say that the more I think about the "being fulfilled outside as well as inside [myself]" I can see where he's coming from. I know that, for me, just doing things to be doing them doesn't satisfy me. I want to take something away from the experience or I feel like I've just wasted my time.

But...then the question becomes, "what do I want to do that will fulfill me in a way that nurtures my inside as well as my outside needs?"

And that, my Whiners, is where I get bogged down. I'm STILL working on this dang 101 in 1001 list and...well...it's really going nowhere. I'm feeling so apathetic about things lately. I just don't care and...well...that's not good.

I'm tired of not caring about things. I want to care again but I feel like it's just too much trouble for not enough pay off. And dang it, I'm tired of feeling like that too.

How do you do it? How do you make yourself care again? How do you find just the thing that makes you feel fulfilled? How do you make your life meaningful again?

'Cause, let me tell you, I just ain't feelin' the meaningful.

Mmmm Oily goodnessssss

No no whiners...it's not greasy food...

It's indie perfumer Possets' lovely goodness...

I heard about Possets from some Ravelry mavens and thought "why the heck not?" So I wandered over to the site and...ZOMGoodness...so much lovely I couldn't decide. Besides, Fabienne is a Cincinnati gal...I had to try just to, you know, keep it in the 'Nati.

So I got some Possettes. High Tea, Silver Carnations, Gingerbread Crackhouse and the sister perfume, Gingerbread Whorehouse, Strawberry Heart and her Girl's Love series. (Limeys, Vanilla, Possets, Clubbing and Pink Pepper)I also decided on Maderia and Hyde Park, two of her Cincinnati series.

I fell in love at first sniff. I especially adore Strawberry Heart (no really? *G*) which goes on very very berry and dries down to a nice strawberry incense smell. Not that fake stuff you can get at Wallyworld, but the really good hand done stuff of specialty stores. Mmm.

High Tea smells like a nice big cold glass of Iced Tea with lemon. Some days it smells like Earl Grey...equally nice.

Silver Carnations smells just like carnations. Mom, who is NOT a perfume lover despite being a candle maven herself, sniffed it and said "yeah, I'd wear that!" *G* It's that spicy smell of good homegrown carnations. You used to be able to buy carnations that smelled like carnations but anymore, they've bred the scent right out of them. Pass on the dead blooms and pick up a bottle of Silver Carnations. YUM. You'll so thank me. :o)

I didn't care for Gingerbread Whorehouse. Something about it went "off" on my skin. However, if you like gingerbread and you like the smell of cheap success, this one might be for you. It's not bad...it's just not...me.

The Girls Love...Vanilla is VANILLA and more VANILLA. Yum. I don't like vanilla perfumes for the most part but...smokey bones is this a good vanilla. Smells like the GOOD extract Mom used to get from Mexico. M likes it as well. ;o)

The Girls Love...Limeys is very lime and very fresh. A nice scent that I'm going to have to try again before I make any definite decisions about it.

Those are the ones I've tried so far. I've been wearing Strawberry Heart 'cause I really just can't get enough of it. I'll have to ween myself off so I can try the others. *G*

Next up will be other indie oily goodnesses. Like BPAL (Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab) and Cobalt Blends' Lux Vixen and Blooddrop. (I have an order coming from Blooddrop...she donates a percentage of sales of some of her products to cat charities. How could I resist? Fabienne of Possets does the same with her Penelope and Maggie scents. Maggie is s'more heaven. Penelope is caramel goodness. *happy sigh*)

I think I'm in love...

Found a "new" band today.

Enter The Haggis is an eclectic mix of rock, fusion, bluegrass, traditional Celtic fare, agitpop, folk, even Latin flavors (from their Bio page)

Check them out. I'm just...awed by this group. Rock...with a piper. And fiddle. and traditional rock stuff...

Especially check out "Martha Stewart" and "Marti's Last Stand"

Simon's Cat

I love Simon's Cat. So true...so true.

who am I

Your result for The Camelot Test...

Lancelot

Honourable and passionate. You never back down from a challenge. Your friends are very important to you. You believe in justice and duty far above your own personal security and comfort.

Congratulations! This was the most challenging result to get. You are one of a kind.

Take The Camelot Test at HelloQuizzy

Happy Blog day to me!

Heh...so here it is, Year 2 of my blog.

Where will I go? What will I do? Who will I be when this year ends and year 3 begins?

I wrote some time ago about the meme 101 in 1001. I've been stuck somewhere in the 80s and can't think of other things to put on my list so I've been putting off posting it.

Well, I'm going to take some time tonight and give it a total look see and try to figure out some other things. After that, (tomorrow) I'm going to post it and my start date. (tomorrow maybe. *G*)

Let's see where I'll be in 1001 days.

Wow...

Almost a year has past since I started this blog. I haven't really said anything of importance, haven't made any earth shattering discoveries about myself or really anything else...

But I've had fun. I've rediscovered my love of writing so I'm going to make a challenge for myself.

I will blog everyday for the next year. (well starting tomorrow since that's my blogoversary) It doesn't matter what I have to blog about, I will be out here either posting pictures or just chatting.

Let's see if I can stick with it. *G*

When in doubt...turn to The Word

It always steers me right...1 Thessalonians 4:11-12

NIV:

11 Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, 12 so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.

ESV: (verse 10b)

But we urge you, brothers, to do this more and more, 11 and to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you, 12so that you may walk properly before outsiders and be dependent on no one.

The Message (mostly just for fun...but this one does ring with me...)

11-12Stay calm; mind your own business; do your own job. You've heard all this from us before, but a reminder never hurts. We want you living in a way that will command the respect of outsiders, not lying around sponging off your friends.

and

KJV:

11And that ye study to be quiet, and to do your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you;

12That ye may walk honestly toward them that are without, and that ye may have lack of nothing.

Now...for the study of these verses and the meditation and prayer to understand just what they're saying to me. (well to everyone...but to me right now.)

Living Simply

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past few months about simple living. I don't mean sustenance farming or anything like that. Just living simply. Not having to live our lives to the schedule of the TV or to rush from here to there and back again only to rush someplace else.

Looking around on the internet shows a plethora of blogs of women who are living simply. So I go out to look and 9 times out of 10, or even more likely 10 out of 10, the woman has children, mostly under the age of 10.

It's not that I can't learn anything from these women, but, most of their tips are for other SAHMs or even working moms. Homeschooling seems to be a huge topic as well.

So how does a happily child-free woman learn the "simple" life? Especially one that's home anyway (I have an AMAZING husband!) yet doesn't have a concept of where to begin. Nor do I have the strength most days due to (undiagnosed at this time) fibromyalgia.

How does one simplify? What do I give up? What do I retain? How do I go about doing the things I want to do if I can't lift a shovel or sometimes even a knitting needle?

I guess I need to think this out some more. Decide just WHAT I want to simplify and why. (I know that bills will be a BIG part of it!)I need to get a schedule down...sleeping, cleaning, decluttering...one thing at a time.

*sigh* It'll come. I know it will.

WHEW

We are finally married!! Yay!

The day was wonderful. So full of love and life and family...none of the drama that I was terrified would happen, actually happened. *whew*

Married life is an adjustment. M and I never shared a bed even though we lived together for 10 years. We were good! I swear! *G* So of course, having slept by myself for 38 years, it's a total adjustment to start sharing a bed with someone. There are great perks...besides THAT one! *G* I love the "2 am reach" as DogMom calls it. Where, at 2 when you wake up and can't figure out where you are and your heart starts beating a thousand beats a minute and you're starting to freak out and you reach out and...oh happy day!...there he is ready to cuddle you in his strong arms and to chase the nightmares away.

And we've had our first major appliance failure already. *sigh* Our 'fridge died sometime Sunday night/Monday morning. The very nice gentleman (and he really was a gentleman!) who came to fix it said "after all the parts 'n labor, you'd put in more than 1/2 of what you'd pay for a new one. Probably around the same amount actually." So that's what M and I did Monday night. We got a new Whirlpool fridge, nice and pretty and bright. Deeeeep with lots and lots of space in the freezer and 'fridge part. My favorite part is the in door ice maker. Gives the freezer TONS more space. And we needed it since I tend to buy meats when they're on extreme sale and package them up for later use.

God was good to us because Mom and Dad, those lovely, wonderful parents of mine, gave us a wedding present (besides my KitchenAid mixer that I've drooled over and wanted for ages 'n ages.)that pretty much covered the new 'fridge. So, if you're reading this M&D? THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!

Anyway, it's been a nice adjustment so far. *G*

Is it over yet??

Man. I love the fact that I'm getting married and really, I pretty much like the fact that I'm having a realio wedding.

But damn. Is it over yet?

I'm exhausted.

reviews

I've done reviews on here before. I've done them on my other couple of blogs (see list at the left *G*) as well.

I'm still constantly amazed at the things that people will review that I've never thought of reviewing.

Like nail polish. I found hundreds of sites for nail polish reviews. Even a really cool one called Community Nail Polish Gallery. Check it out...gives you everything you could ever hope for in nail polish stuff.

4 more days

or so!

I can't believe it's less than a week before the wedding!! This Saturday...man...I can't wait.

Of course, M's Mom and Dad aren't able to make it due to Dad F's health. *sigh* Poor M. I know how much he wanted his Dad there. Thank goodness that Captain Spaulding was good enough to step in as "Best Man Proxy". I don't know what I'd have done. As it is, I'm so stressed that I have 2 cold sores and the lysine isn't working and neither is the abreva. So I called the Doc and sniffled at her and she called in some Valtrex for me! Thanks Doc!

Got some Lil 'Kinz tonight for my Webkinz. I now have the 3 shorthair lil 'kinz cats and the black lab puppy lil 'kinz. *G* I'm such a child. But it's fun. If you haven't played with Webkinz...it's a totally safe environment for kids...there's interaction but it's all scripted. And you don't have to interact with anyone. I only do with the nieces and an "adult" (I put that in quotes 'cause SHE has more 'kinz than I do! Something like 39!!) friend of mine.

You can do all sorts of things on Webkinz. My favorite is digging for gems. *sigh* I wish you could do it all the time but alas...you're only allowed to dig once a day. *G* I need one more white gem to get all the white gems for the "legendary crown of wonder!!!"

Okay...off to watch MASH.

Less than a month to go

Well campers, I have less than a month left of my eternal spinsterhood! LOL I can't wait until M and I FINALLY tie the knot.

Pretty much everything is done. Of course, my beloved DogMom, the Honourable Matron of Honor of mine, went and borked herself last weekend. Poor Punkin'.

SOOO, my hopes and dreams for a wedding day where no one was hurt, got cancer, or anything like that went up in smoke. Or down in water. Or whatever. But that's okay. I'm just glad that DogMom's okay and stuff.

Other than that, I've been busy with wedding stuff, ordering things from firemountaingems.com to make presents and my wedding jewelry and just basically lazing about trying to remember what the hell I'm supposed to be doing NEXT.

Oh yes...More James

I think it's about time to post some more pictures of the most delish guy on TV. What do y'all think?



Love this one:



One day I'll see him in concert...



And what are pictures of James without a "Spikeish" one?



That's all for now...I have MANY more to share laters...*G*

I'm so stupid

Yesterday was DogMom's birthday and I didn't even wish her a Hippo Birdie here in my blog. *sigh* I iz sowwy DogMom. No really...see???


see more dog pictures

In other news...not really news but whatever...I'm officially nervous about the wedding. Not about getting married. I'm excited about that. I'm nervous about all the details that are still MISSING.

"Like what", you ask? Well. Frex, I don't have a caterer. I don't have invitations. I don't have favors, my dress (even though THAT is on order), shoes, undergarments...I could go on but my head is ready to explode.

I made M promise to give me ALL of Saturday just for ME to decide what to do and where to go. He's not allowed to complain about anything. I told him he could take the laptop and/or the DS and I'd do the stuff myself, but he's not allowed to complain.

We'll see how long it lasts. IF it actually happens. *sigh*

Uh Wow.

It's almost been a month. So much has happened, and yet, so much hasn't happened.

Oscar has been diagnosed with CHF and Cardiomyopathy. He's on a diuretic and a heart pill. The diuretic is a bitch because...well his kidneys are being affected by the diuretic but I can't give him the IV fluids because he has the CHF.

On the plus side, he's like a different kitty. His breathing is MUCH better and he's getting perkier. I know that it's still a matter of time, but I'm hoping for years instead of hours.

In other news, wedding plans are chugging along. I can't believe we upped the date to June 28th. WTH were we thinking? *G* I can't wait though.

Speaking of himself, he's yelling for me. I'm sure one of the cats is in trouble.

More later...I hope. *G*

Product Review - Wild Cherry M&Ms

These are limited edition M&Ms that I found last night at the gas station. Of course, being the person I am, I had to try them.

Getting back into the car, I showed M the little baggie of M&Ms. "Cherry?" Yep. Cherry. I opened the pack slowly. You could smell the cherry smell as soon as the pack was breached.

I had one. It was actually pretty dang good. Tastes like a chocolate covered cherry. The gal at the counter said they left a bad taste in her mouth but I didn't experience that at all.

All in all, the one I ate was pretty good. I may have to try them again. I gave the rest of the pack to M since I didn't want too much chocolate before bed.

Good googly moogly

It's been ages since I've posted. Sorry 'bout that. Not that I'm interesting or anything but, sometimes it's just nice to read something "different". *G*

So, I've been thinking about doing this 101 things in 1001 days thingie that I saw on the internet. Here's a web link for those of you who are scratching your heads. It just seems like a...well neat thing to do. I'm such a list person even though I never really get around do doing what's on my lists. Or I should say I USUALLY don't get around to it. Sometimes I do most of a list and then lose interest.

I guess I'm hoping for motivation for this. One of the "rules" is that your list items must be complete and realistic goals for your life. Meaning that you have to actually sit and THINK about them, you can't just write "declutter". Declutter what? Where? How often? Those types of questions.

And I've always been one to steer away from "those" types of questions when I'm making a "to do" list. I never get very specific.

M says, in his "joking" manner, "impossible! You'd have to do like one thing every ten days!" LOL that's sort of the point hon.

I'm tired of not DOING the things I've been wanting to do. Like learning to bake bread from scratch or planting a kitchen garden so I can have fresh veggies in the spring and summer. Oh I talk about it all the time. I read the books, 'cause of course if it's a book I'll read it, but I never get around to DOING it.

I think the last thing I decided I wanted to learn to do and actually did it was learning to knit. And we all know how far THAT went. I think I've completed 4 or 5 things in the 3 years since I've learned. Well, except for the extremely easy dishcloths. I've accumulated enough yarn to make 50 or so projects, if they're big projects, but I don't DO anything with it. So, I'm going to make that one of my, or maybe many of my, list items.

This just seems like an unique challenge to me. I might even get to the really big things like my weight and the *sigh* house. *G*

That's all for now. Gonna go watch the cats be curious about their new water fountain. I might even take some pictures.

Updates updates

So Oscar is doing better. He's really doing well when I give him his infusion. Friday he was a bit squirmy but I think he moved the needle and that made it hurt some. I'll be more aware tomorrow to make sure the needle doesn't move at all.

He's starting to eat his kidney food. I have to heat it in the microwave for 10 seconds and then mash it up and build it into a little pyramid with a tiny bit of the other cat's gooshy gravy. But at least he's eating it.

Aggie tried to get at Oscar's food last night. She was most displeased when I told her only Oscar gets to eat this food. Not a happy kitty girl. But, oh well.

Other than that, things are okay here. Going to ask M if we can head out to Home Despot to look at gardening things. I want to build a patio type garden in our backyard so I have something to do other than write or do housework all day. I'll post pictures if it ever gets done. *G* You know me, Madam Procrastination.

Oscar's Visit to the Vet redux

So M and I just got back from the vet's office where I learned to give Oscar his fluid injections. I'd say it was easy peasy lemon squeezie but...even though I didn't have any trouble at all, I started to shake. (thankfully AFTER the injection was done.)

M on the other paw...well...let's just say that *I* will be the only one giving the fluids. He turned a VERY interesting shade of grey and then had to leave the room while the solution was flowing.

Oscar did very very well. He growled a bit while I was holding him for the injection and during the flow but even though he's still pretty unimpressed with me, he's letting me love on him. *G* I think he knows that it wasn't pleasant for ANY of us and that it's going to make him feel better.

I still wish (of course) that I didn't HAVE to do any of this, but it's really nice to know that I CAN do it.

Oscar's test results

Well, the good news is, he doesn't have diabetes or thyroid disease.

Bad news is he has kidney disease.

Good news again is, it's chronic kidney disease.

Bad news again is that no one knows when it will turn into end stage kidney disease.

So.

We go tomorrow night to learn how to give Oscar some subdural injections of fluid to help his kidneys work more efficiently and to get some prescription food for him to eat.

More tomorrow.

Oscar's Visit to the Vet

He was a really good boy on the way to the vet. Had some complaints until he found a comfy spot on Mommy's lap. Then it was "sniff sniff sniff" at the crack in the window that Mommy put down for him. He perked up when he saw my parent's house (where he grew up and was an indoor/outdoor kitty) and the fields he used to run around in and catch "miceies".

We got to the vet and he was being so good. He was on his leash and he hopped out of the car and started walking for the door just as calm as you please. Then he must have realized that he wasn't home and he tried to dart under the car. Heh heh heh. That's where having a leash is good. Poor boy. I scooped him up and carried him in to the office. Everyone made a big deal out of him (he is a handsome little boy) and we were taken into a room right away because a silly young Lab puppy was coming in and the Dr didn't want Oscar scared.

Finally it was our turn to be seen. He had his temperature taken...was SO not happy with that...and had his weight checked. He's down 2 lbs from when we last weighed him. I knew he had lost weight but not that much.

The Dr came in and gave him some exam time. Checked his thyroid and his tummy area. Took him back into the lab area and got some blood from him. My GOODNESS you could feel the floor shake from his VERY angry meows. NOT a happy boy.

Vet said that there is SOMETHING wrong but until the blood tests come back, she's not sure just what it could be. The three biggies for older cats are Thyroid Disease, which is treatable and curable, Diabetes, which is treatable but not curable, and Kidney disease which is neither very treatable nor curable.

She said that he has SLIGHT symptoms but they're so slight that, without the blood work, we won't be sure. So, pins 'n needles until tomorrow or Thursday.

Dear God, please don't let it be kidney disease.

Gads I'm boring

I really am the most boring blogger in the blogosphere, aren't I?

I've done nothing of note. Nothing worthy of talking about. Nothing anyone would really want to hear about. I'm boring.

And yet...

I like me. Today. Yesterday was a different story. Today, I'm liking me. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Bought a book today

Well, technically I bought it last week after watching Oprah but it CAME today. (I adore Amazon.)

Does This Clutter Make My Butt Look Fat? By Peter Walsh. I'm only into the first chapter but I keep putting the book down to THINK about my clutter. It's amazing how he seems to be talking directly to ME.

I remember once telling my Mom that my horribly cluttered room was "an outward expression of my inward turmoil." I can't believe that I understood it back then and yet never did ANYTHING about it.

My apartment wasn't cluttered (until M moved in that is) and I took great joy in the fact that I did my dishes every night and put them up every morning, vacuumed every other day (Oscar's fur you know. And then Emmy's) kept my bedroom looking neat and tidy.

Heck, even at work I was organized. Believe it or not. I HAVE the basics. I just haven't put them into practice.

I think most of it is because I feel overwhelmed. Well, that and M doesn't seem to care about the mess and really, after I CLEAN the mess he just goes and makes another mess and forgets about it until I come in and blow up. I need to remember that he's not yet on board but with perseverance and practice (and perhaps a bit of bitching) he'll see how nice it is to have an organized house and will help me out by not leaving his pants in front of the 'fridge. (I know...I know. I have no clue either. Why in the HECK did he drop trou there? *shrug* I can't figure him out sometimes.)

Off to read more of this book. I'm anxious to see how he works the fat in your house and the fat on your body together.

Remembrance

It's been 30 years but I still remember. It haunts me day to day, whether in my conscious thoughts or in my subconscious doings, but it haunts me still.

I was 8 but I remember it as if it were yesterday, I remember what I was wearing, what I was doing. I close my eyes and I can see your face, hear your words, feel your touch...

and it makes me shudder. It makes me hate you, makes me seethe with an unholy fury so deep set that I feel nauseated from the sheer force of it.

I was 8 you bastard. 8 years old and you touched me. You made me feel that I was a bad person, that my parents would be mad at me if I didn't let you "help" me with my panties. I can feel your sticky hot breath on my cheek as you run your hand over my labia, run it up under my dress to where my breasts would be had I actually been a woman, as you put your hand back on the place no man should have ever touched until I was old enough to consent, old enough to know better.

I hate you. I hate what you made me into, what you made me feel. What you still make me feel. The self loathing, the hatred I feel for myself for being that stupid...that trusting. That I can trust again is nothing short of amazing. I feel like I can't love myself because of the shit you pulled.

To have to look at your idiotic leer Sunday after Sunday. To sit there and see people act as if you're a good man, someone to be trusted, someone who could never do wrong because, after all, you ARE a Christian, right? You would never do something like that to any little girl...right?

I see you and I find myself fantasizing about your death. Oh no, not at my own hand, but just that you're dead and gone. That I'd never have to look at you again. Never have to have you leer at me with that knowing look.

And that makes me even sicker and angrier at myself. To wish someone dead. That isn't what I want to be about, isn't what I know to be good and true, what Christ wants His people to feel.

But maybe, just maybe, when you're gone I can finally find some peace within myself.

Although it will never bring back that innocence lost 30 years ago.

And now...for a quick dilemma...

I'm getting ready to head off for ambien land. The kittens, who have been lounging around all evening, in peaceful somnolence, have just now figured out that if you get the jingle ball and take it into Mommy's bathtub...it rolls around REALLY fast and makes all sorts of happy jingle sounds!!!

So, do I hope that they get tired of jingle ball in the bathtub, or do I take it away for the night and give it back tomorrow when there's daylight and Mommy's head doesn't feel like exploding???

Eh, I'm a sucker. They can keep it in the tub...unless they start fighting. :oD

Little stinkers. I'm so twisted around their paws. Same with the big stinkers since Aggie just came in and indicated that treat time was TOO SHORT MOM! *G* So, last treats and then *I* am hitting the sack.

G'nite.

My "lightbulb" moment

Well, sort of. *G* I've had this particular one before...but it's a little brighter now.

I am FINALLY feeling MUCH MUCH better. The liquid gold in pill form and the inhaler seem to be working. (seriously $100 for 7 freakin' pills)

So today I slept a bit, got up and wandered around the house feeling lost and uncomfortable. I couldn't figure out what was going on but I was frustrated with myself and on the verge of tears when I started looking at the tv area and what an absolute mess it had become. Crap everywhere. And I do mean crap. Candles that have been burnt until they can't be burnt anymore, old soda bottles that I was "fighting" with M about throwing away. (he brings in his soda bottles and sometimes the paper cups from fast food joints and leaves them on the TV stand. GRRRR) Anyway, I got a trash bag and just started to toss.

With each thing I tossed, I grew lighter and lighter. Finally I had the hand upside the head moment....the CLUTTER is making me unhappy! "Well DUH, K (I said to myself) this isn't exactly a NEW thought now is it?" So the momentum grew. My TV stand, the DVDs, the CDs, the video game consoles, the cat toys (and toy basket) and the surrounding area is now rather clean. Almost devoid of clutter. I say almost because I'm sure I could get a few more things out of there. (*wink* like M's DVDs that he never ever ever watches...LOL) But even though there's still STUFF there, it's not CLUTTERED stuff. It's nicely organized stuff. Happy making stuff. :o)

And Whew I'm tired. *G* I still have the trouble of remembering that everything does NOT have to be done in 12 hours. It can take 48-72 or even longer. Just so long as SOME is done everyday. Then I will keep my head road going and I'll keep the happy growing.


(heh, and I had a phone call with Mom earlier to tape Oprah (the second showing) 'cause it's about the clutter making you fat. I SO need this show!!!)

I'm Back...

Hello! I'm back from weeks 'n weeks of fighting bronchitis. It's probably pneumonia by now but at least I'm feeling better!

I have to give a shout out to my dearest friend DogMom. Her blog has been awesome lately. I highly recommend reading it if just for the sheer pleasure in the beauty of her words.

Other than that, I've just been here doing not much. I have to get back in the swing of things and play catch up on a lot of the household stuff. *sigh* It never ends does it?

*cough cough*

So I've been sick yet again. It seems that I get rid of one URI only to pick up another, harsher one. This time I was "lucky" and got the bonus of bronchitis! Yay me! *sigh*

I'm on my second round of antibiotics for this round of sickness. The wheezing seems to have let up so I guess they're working.

Other than that, I've been utterly boring. Just reading (the Codex Alera books by Jim Butcher. A MUST read!!!) and watching the last of season 5 of Buffy. Man...the ending of the season...the look on Spike's face...breaks my heart every time.

So now I'm on season 6 and I'm up to Once More with Feeling. I'm not sure if I'll watch it again even though it's one of my favorites. I really want to get to the episodes I haven't seen yet. Doublemeat Palace brings me to that point.

So, that's where I am for now.

I can't believe I...well yeah, I guess I can

Okay people. Heads up here.

When you're asking someone for some input or an opinion on a situation or dress color, you are asking for ADVICE.

If you are the person being asked for advice you are being asked to ADVISE someone.

Please, for the love of my sanity, quit getting the two of these mixed up.

Thanks ever so much,

The Mgmt.

Avon

So I've been going through an Avon period lately. For Christmas, I gave my nieces in law to be (K-older's fiancée's daughters) some mark lip gloss and perfumes. Since I was putting in the order anyway...*G*...I went ahead and got myself a few things. I'm currently in LOVE with their perfume "Always". Smells like lily of the valley. Delish. I also have "Tomorrow" which is a spicer oriental type. Nummy as well.

Anyway I've been out at the Avon site looking around and they have some great deals. If you want something, or you need to stock up, get out there and do it! I think shipping is free today!

Oh, and if you don't have an Avon lady, my friend Melody is the BEST! Visit her site at www.youravon.com/melodythomas She really ROCKS!!

Christmas time is...gone...

What a nice day yesterday. Seems that everyone was pretty relaxed and not wanting to "fight" or anything. Presents were all well received and the ones everyone got for us were excellent! Totally love my Trader Joe's gift card from k-younger and M-inlaw. K-Older and D gave us a card to a new restaurant that I've been wanting to try. Way cool.

K-nephew may have a job soon. He's been having trouble because of his record. But my friend J-hole works for a janitorial service and says that they're always looking for people who will work hard. K-nephew couldn't stop smiling after I talked to J-hole.

Other than that, it's been a very very quiet day here. I slept for most of it which was REALLY nice.

Tomorrow starts me getting back into the groove of things with the house and weight loss and stuff like that. I think I've decided to go back to WWers on Saturday. It just seems like it's what works for me and I can incorporate all that I've been learning from other diet books.

Bah Humbug?

I'm feeling sad. I don't know exactly why but it's just there. Hanging over my head like some evil anti-mistletoe or something.

M is sitting in the living room playing on his work laptop. He's addicted to some game called "NetHack". I don't understand it but...hey whatever! LOL He's also watching Deal or No Deal and laughing whenever someone gets a high case. He's so sick sometimes, laughing over the disappointment of others. It makes me wonder, from time to time, just what goes on in there. *head shake* I dunno. I pray that he'll eventually find himself in a happy place where he doesn't have to take joy in the downfall of others.

Everything is clean in the kitchen. I haven't stopped all day and I feel like just sitting down in the middle of everything and bursting into tears. But I won't. I'll just ball it up and deal with it after the holiday. Just have to wrap up Grandma's gift (a picture and a gift card) and I'll be completely finished with everything for tomorrow except the salami cream cheese rolls and the other little things I'll be "cooking".

K-sis was home all alone today. L was with her asshole of a "father". I really want to go and kick the ever living hell out of that poor excuse for a human. Mom said that K-sis was in tears most of the day. If I'd have known she was going to be home all alone, I'd have said something to M and seen if he'd take me down. (I mean, what's a 2 hour trip each way between siblings? *G*) I don't know what we'd have done, but I'm sure she and I could have thought of something.

Maybe that's it. Or perhaps it's knowing that the holiday is HERE. It's almost over and I'm already feeling the post-Christmas let down. You know, the "man all that work and it's OVER in 5 minutes...tops!" feeling.

Dad's sick too. He started to vomit this afternoon. He hasn't been sick like this in about 13 years, Mom said. I guess a part of me is worried...or at least more worried than I thought I was over him being sick.

Well, time to take dinner out of the oven. Maybe I'll actually feel better after eating something. Yeah...maybe.

Hey everyone!

What's that? What have I been doing since last we chatted? Nothing much at all except for the same old same old. I have everything wrapped and ready to go with the exception of Grandma's gift card from Kroger. I'll get that tomorrow while we grocery shop.

So what is Christmas going to be like this year? Will Dad get through the day without killing my Aunt? Will K and M help with dishes? Will the guys help? Will dinner go off without a hitch or will something burn? And will I actually be treated like an adult this year instead of having instructions spelled out for me? (Like "Strawberry, get the rolls out of the oven...and use the mitts! Like duh there Mom...I didn't know hot things were, you know, HOT. *sound of head smacking the desk*)

It's not really that bad. I love my family and all of the above actually gives us stuff to laugh about and tease each other about. It's frustrating at the time but, once it's over it's over. *G*

Anyway, now that everything is done Christmas wise (except for the noshes) I decided to be productive and roll the coins I've been saving for the past 6 months. (M has been stealing quarters for his "snack" so I'm down about $20 from where I would have been.) I've saved $152.50 in the last 6 months just from "harvesting" the coins that M leaves in his car, coat, pants pockets, bed ('cause you know, he can't empty them before hitting the sheets), bedroom floor...etc. Not a bad day's work if I do say so myself. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it yet. I may hit the post holiday sales and see if I can't (finally) find a good inexpensive vacuum cleaner that won't freakin' lose suction. It'll be our 3rd in about 5 years. Or maybe I'll get that really cool steam mop or even a steam cleaner. Perhaps some new clothes or shoes or bras (all of which are desperately needed) or something totally frivolous like some Demeter Fragrances or books. (wait, books aren't frivolous!) Or maybe I'll be a Good Berry and put it in savings. Nah. :oD

Whatever I do with it, I'm sure it'll come in handy.

Other than that, I've just been getting things done around the house. I'm enjoying myself doing what I can, as I can and then taking frequent breaks so I don't have a flair or get sick again. I've been doing pretty well with that. Now if I can just cure the freakin' insomnia I'll be doing well. Have doctor's appointments all next month so I should (hopefully) get some answers. If I remember to ask the questions. *G*

Anyway, that's about it for now. I'm going to go read (Got Fangs? by Katie Maxwell for the umpteenth time) and try very very hard to fall asleep.

I'm an Edmontosaurs

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Ahhh...

Well, it's almost time for Christmas and, with the exception of some gift cards, I'm officially done shopping. Yahoo! I don't think I've ever been done this early before.

Of course, I still have things to send out along with my Christmas cards. I'll get those done tonight and off to the post awful tomorrow.

Check out my book review blog (over on your left...see it? WildDog's book review? yeah, that's it.) to see what's been occupying my time. Finished 3 books this weekend and have started on a 4th. That's really not a lot for me but I've been busy doing other things as well.

Last night, I was hostess for my Sunday School children's program. I didn't realize how much WORK that was...and most of it was done for me before I even got there. (Thanks J and girls!) And then I was cleaning up and one of the ladies came back and helped out by washing the dishes (thanks W!) and *poof* it was all finished and we were out the door. I didn't get to see much of the program but it was one of those "cutsey" things from Group Publishing so I guess I really didn't miss much. One of these days I'll write my own Christmas play/pageant and try and get the Church to put it on. I'm tired of the "we have to make it relevant for today" mentality that seems to be rampant in most of the Christmas stuff of today. I mean, does Christ's birth EVER go out of style? Really?

I've been doing okay with the "get the chore done NOW...don't wait" thing. It really is a good feeling to just have it done and not hanging over your head.

So now I'm waiting for M to get home so we can head out to Meijer so I can get kitty food (we're down to crumbs in the bags even though the kids have full bowls), litter, some coin rollers (I'm tired of looking at the bags of coins!) and a couple of books (because it's not like I have nothing to read or anything...lol)

Nothing more to really say today. Just a lazy day. Hope I'll be able to fall asleep tonight. It's been hell getting only a few hours of sleep each night. Although I've been enjoying listening to 700 WLW and America's Trucking Network with Steve Sommers and Bubba Bo. They've been fun this past week. Interesting too. I'd still rather have a full night of sleep though.

Busy busy...

'Tis the season and all that. Been hectic 'round here as I try madly to get back into the swing of things after a recent bout of ick. I need to remember that all my clutter and housework wasn't made in a day (except what M creates) and it doesn't need to get done in a day.

I am making progress with getting into a routine. Even if it is only a routine of cleaning the litter box. Still, that's something, no?

I think routines are important. They help those of us who have memory problems (thanks chemo!) they help us to feel in control even when everything seems to be slipping away.

So, I've decided to add to my routine. I just need to decide what to add and how much to add at a time.

Been reading several diet books in a quest to find intelligent answers to the questions I've been asking myself. One of the overwhelming statements in all of the books I've read so far is "change doesn't come easily...take it slow and let one thing become habit before you start to do something else."

Heh. Change doesn't come easily. No kidding. Especially not for a Lutheran. LOL But it is sound advice. Like the litter box. I used to HATE cleaning the box because it was...well frankly...disgusting. But now that I've been doing it everyday it's not so disgusting. It's easy and rather relaxing as well. Just knowing that that one thing is DONE, that the cats have a clean place to piddle and poo so they aren't doing it all over my "to be washed" pile of clothes. (note to self: get hamper. *G*) It's freeing to have that chore DONE and out of the way. Even if I don't do it until 4 in the afternoon. At least it's done.

I need to remember this for other areas in my life. Get the chore DONE when you think of it or when you're done with whatever you've been using. (like the dishes) Once you get into the routine of putting things away when you've finished with them, the rest is a snap. Why didn't I remember this earlier? Other than the whole "I'm dying from cancer 'cause I don't know I have it" thing. *G* I guess I was either stupid, stubborn or just flat lazy.

So, that's going to be my new thing. I'm going to get myself a routine and I'm going to work at sticking to it no matter what. Unless the whole death thing comes up again...then we'll have to see.

whee

Did I tell you about my cool new toy? The swiffer sweeper? OOOHHHH it's great! No more kitty litter on the bottoms of my nice clean wet feet. Ahh.

Plus it's rechargeable so I don't have to go plugging it in when I want to use it. It's already there and waiting for me to make the floor nice 'n clean.

Now I want to get this steam mop that everyone on my email list is talking about. The Bissell Steam Mop. Man. I so want this mop. Freaks me out too since I'm like the least likely person to be all het up about a cleaning product. LOL but I do...I so do.

Anyway, today's a nice boring day. Paid some bills...made some calls for the cookie walk at Church on Sunday...gonna play with my toy...er I mean sweep the floor...and clean the bathroom later. Nice lazy type day. Ahhh.

Best of all? No Bells tomorrow. What a happy thought!

'Tis the Season to be...an Asshole?

No really. I don't know why I fail to remember from year to year just how...nasty...people can be around Consumermas. It always amazes me to be out in a store and have people shove me out of the way to get to something that, had they just said "excuse me", I'd have been happy to step out of the way.

*sigh* Come on people! Remember the TRUE meaning of the Season...Christ comes to be born a man...be born under the law to fulfill the law FOR US! He is the true gift, guys. *sheesh*

Anyway, as you can tell, M and I went out shopping today. Actually, *I* went shopping, M was just the driver. *G* Works for me. I don't have him hovering over my shoulder glaring at me because he hates to shop, he doesn't have to do anything but sit in the warm car, listen to music and play the DS. Although, I know if he DID come in there'd have been a LOT less shoving. He's 6'8" and 290lbs. He's a big scary guy. Of course, people don't need to know that under the scary there lurks the heart of a marshmallow. *G* But still.

I found a few things on my list, gonna have to hit Amazon for some things that they didn't have. Got a Swiffer vacuum that I've been wanting for the kitty pan area. Tired of getting out of the shower and having kitty litter all over my feet. It's currently charging. (heh. no pun intended but that was good for a chuckle.) Hmm...some pretty Christmas paper, a few bath 'n body needs and cold medicine (will this stupid cold never go away?) Ooh and a couple of really pretty nice skirts for Church and Christmas. I'm looking forward to wearing one of them tomorrow for my FINAL(!!!!) bell performance. And I (finally) bought my Christmas cards...they're pretty.

Other than that, nothing exciting went on at ALL. Just the same old stuff. *G* But it was a fun day. I think I wore M out...even though he did nothing.

Off to surf and see what's new, place a dang Amazon order and then read before I hit the bed.

Bored

I'm bored. Just watched 4 episodes of Buffy and it's 11:30 pm. I should be getting to bed but...I'm just not tired.

I'd watch more since I'm FINALLY past the "Riley" bits. Ug he annoyed me. Figured out where M and I left off...Doublemeat Palace is the next completely new one for the two of us. Anyway, I'd watch more but I'm just tv'd out. After bunches of Buffy, Heroes and Robot Chicken, I'm just tired of tv.

But there's nothing good on my bookshelf. Well there IS but...I'm not in the mood for it. I'm currently rereading "Size 14 is not Fat Either" by Meg Cabot but...*sigh* It's a great book and I'm looking forward to "Big Boned" but...I dunno. I guess I just want something different. I don't know what though.

Anyway, Mom and I were talking business opportunities the other day. I'm thinking I'll be giving up on the hand made jewelry for now. Everyone's getting into it and at the last craft fair there were something like 8 different vendors selling their jewelry. I didn't see anyone buying it either.

So we were discussing what I could do. I brought up the fact that I love to read and Mom asked "K, why don't you write?" Seems she's been thinking that for sometime now. I'd LOVE to write but, honestly, I don't know what to write about. I think I have good ideas but then, they all seem to fall apart.

Eh. I don't know. Maybe I'll give it a shot. I mean, what could it hurt? Right?

It's cold season. *sigh*

So, if you've been wondering where I've been, I've been spending the days hacking and sneezing with a freaking URI. I get one every year around this time but I honestly thought I wouldn't this year. I mean, I just had one in October. And September. And I think in August as well. This one was the worst though...ick.

Anyway, because of the URI, there has been nothing exciting going on in my life. Nothing at all. Well, except getting some Buffy books and finishing season 4 of Buffy and starting on season 5. (mmm Spike in romantic mode) Been reading a bunch as well.

Speaking of which, if you like reading and enjoy book reviews, check out the book review blog that I help write. http://wilddogsbookreviews.blogspot.com/ Yep, I'm the Wild in WildDog's. *G*

Anyway, I guess I should get out there and do something interesting for everyone to read about. Or at least find some more pictures of James...huh? *G*

Hope

A friend recently asked “what makes Lutherans so HAPPY over the coming end times?” It brought about a discussion of how Lutherans seem to just “take things in stride” as opposed to other Christians.

With all I could have said on the subject, the answer really comes down to just one word. Hope. Now, being thoroughly Lutheran, I have to ask “what does this mean?” The online free dictionary defines hope as “1. To look forward to with confidence or expectation or the archaic use “To have confidence; trust”

We Lutherans seem to understand the whole concept of hope in Christ based on God’s promise of salvation and that promise is a “sure thing” as it says in Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”

And because we have that confidence, we also have the "modern" type of hope. We CAN look forward to Christ's Second coming with GREAT Confidence and Expectation! We can do so because, when it all boils down, Jesus did it all FOR us. As Luther said in the Explanation to the 3rd article of the Apostles' Creed: "We can not, by our own reason or strength, come to faith in Christ Jesus, or come to Him; but the Holy Ghost has called me by the Gospel, enlightened me with His gifts, sanctified and kept me in the true faith; even as He calls, gathers, enlightens, and sanctifies the whole Christian Church on earth, and keeps it with Jesus Christ in the one true faith; in which Christian Church He forgives daily and richly all sins to me and all believers, and at the last day will raise up me and all the dead, and will give to me and to all believers in Christ everlasting life."

Because of this hope, this complete confidence and trust we can have in God, we Lutherans should be nothing but happy and joyfully LONGING for the end times to come. It doesn’t mean that bad things will never happen to us, but it DOES mean that because of God’s boundless grace, His absolute love that gave us forgiveness through the death and resurrection of our Lord, that, even in the hour of our deepest need, we can have that hope, clear and true, that we are forgiven and we will see salvation.

Amen. Even so, Come Lord Jesus! Amen.

Great post by a great poster...

Want something to chew on while going about your daily grind?

Read the newest post from DogMom...

What I believe and What I realized

Amen, my friend. Amen.

More yummy James

So I found some more delish pictures of James. Mmm Mmm Mmm.




I mean, honestly, could the man BE any more mouthwatering?



I mean, great googlily moogily! Look at those CHEEKS...those EYES...



That smile...*swoons*



Oh HOLLY CARP...I do believe I'm gonna faint.



mmm and a new favorite...from his CD...



Have I mentioned that you HAVE TO GO AND GET THIS NOW??? I have? Well it was worth mentioning again. *G*

OH OH OH...look how cute he is here...LOL Adorable!



Okay, gonna go kill things on Guild Wars since I can't take out my...uh frustrations...any other way. *wink* Enjoy the pix! (and drop me a line if you've liked 'em! I'd love to know other James fans...and anyone else who reads this thing.)

ETA: Found another yummy one I had to share...



Heh. YUM.

Woo HOO

From James Marsters Website....

[11-6-07] James has been contracted to read his fifth book on tape in the Dresden Files book series. Although Death Masks is the next book in sequence, he will be recording Small Favor, which is the most recent in the series and, according to the Dresden Files website, due for release April, 2008. James will be in the studio later this month to begin the project. A new publishing company, Penguin Audio, has been hired to release the book. More details to be posted when available.

If you haven't read the Dresden Files books...GO NOW!!! Run to your bookstore and get them all.

And then go to Jimbutcher.com and see what else is out there. Because Harry rocks.

Review: James Marsters "Like a Waterfall"

There aren't enough words that mean the same as "fabulous" in any language to describe how wonderful this album is.

James has done it again. LaW is a bit more bluesy than Civilized Man, but still has that Rock/Pop/Dance edge to it that I love in CM. He has more of a "Rest in Peace" feel to the album than he did in CM.

I won't go into a description of the songs...yet. I want to listen to it a few hundred more times before I can give a totally honest review.

But seriously folks, if you like James in Buffy, Smallville, Without a Trace...give him a try as a musician. You will NOT regret it.

Excited

Like A Waterfall just came in the mail. I haven't even opened the cellophane yet and already I love the cd. GREAT pictures of James on the front and back of the cover.

*sigh* *drool* *sigh*

I know it's going to be great. How can it be anything BUT great? *G*


Okay, opened it. No more pix on the inside but there is a wee little note from James that is sweet. No, I won't tell you what it is. *G* You'll just have to buy it and see.

Can't wait to hear it. Gonna go plug in the cd player and get busy!

Review later.

After 2 am...

M and I just got back from an emergency trip to the store. He broke his glasses and I couldn't find the super glue. *sigh* Luckily, he can see with my glasses so he did that to drive and I ran into the store and got some super glue.

It irks me on many levels that this has happened. M desperately needs new glasses but he keeps putting them off. "They're too expensive" *sigh* I guess now that he works for a company that actually MAKES the frames and OWNS the stores that sell them (at least on a contract to hire basis) it sort of makes sense to wait until he's hired full time. But still. It's a bit of a pet peeve.

Then there's the fact that I KNOW we have super glue in the house but I couldn't FIND the super glue. Oh where did he put it after using it the last time? Needless to say, I have no clue.

Hence the 2 am trip to the grocery.

Now it's almost 2:30 and I'm wide awake (it's freakin' FREEZING out there!) and I have weight watchers at 9 am. This I don't want to go to but I must. I've gained so much back in the height of my dramallamaness (ie: the depression) that I fear I've almost reached the starting point...again.

Feh. I really want to know who came up with the stupidest phrase of all "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels" so I can glue his or her lips shut with the super glue I just bought.

I mean, honestly, if thin REALLY felt better than any food on the face of the planet, would we REALLY have the obesity problem that is so prevalent in the world, especially the USA, that we have? Get with it folks! NOTHING feels as good as that damn Cinnabon tasted last night. *G* Well...maybe a nice lip lock with one of the two guys I currently adore...one for real and one for imagination time. *wink*

But I wouldn't have this problem if food didn't taste good. And it soooo tastes good.

*sigh* I remember I promised to write up my "reasons to take back control" and post them. I guess I forgot in the midst of that cinnamon stickiness. I'll get right on that...after I hit the sheets and dream a little dream of James...

*G*

Payin' the bills

Wheest. I'm glad that's over for the next 2 weeks. I'm still learning the ropes of how M wants everything paid. I'm glad, though, that I can do this for him. Takes the pressure off of him and saves us from those pesky late fees!

Need to go back out to Jamesmarsters.com and re-order a copy of Like a Waterfall. Wanna buy it for yourself? Go to the Merchandise page. I'm so excited. LOVED Civilized Man. I'm still listening to it every night before I head to sleep. Of course, there are some of the tunes that make me want to dance right out of bed...LOL

I'm on Shelfari now. Since I love to read and will read anything I get my hands on, I thought it would be cool to catalog it so others can see what I've been reading. Look for me by the name WildStrawberry. Add me as a friend if you'd like!

Willow has been warming up to me lately. Let me snorgle her a little bit while I was in the tub. She's a silly little girl but she's growing like a weed! She came to us at 1.5 lbs and in the first week doubled her weight. I'm curious to see how much she weighs when she goes for her spay next week.

Mmm I think it's time for a nap. *yawn* Have a great day everyone! Remember, if you wanna be a demonstrator for Gold Canyon, see my previous post! It's really a fun filled great job that you can do full time, part time or even just the occasional party. Great for SAHM, Retirees or people who just want to be their own bosses.

Business Opportunities

So I've been asked by Mom to figure out a way to get the word out in the UK of the new Home based Business Opportunities available through Gold Canyon. If anyone has a way to do this...let me know.

The company, Gold Canyon, is the maker of some really fine candles, bath and body products and candle accessories. They are one of the fastest growing Party based sales companies in the US, they recently opened up to Canada and, as of October 1st 2007, people in the UK can become demonstrators and get in on the ground floor of the market.

If I have any UK readers and you're interested in learning more about this opportunity...and it's really a great one, the candles sell themselves...give me a shout in the comments part or give me an email at kaemea at gmail dot com and let me know in the subject that you're interested in the candle biz.

I used to be a huge Yankee Candle fan until I tried Gold Canyon. GC is superior in every way, from having a higher scent concentration, being double wicked for better burning (you lose no wax because the candle burns evenly, unlike single wicked candles) to having food grade paraffin wax that burns at a lower temperature so if any of the kidlets accidentally pulls one over on themselves, they won't get a scalding burn. You can literally blow the candle out and stick your finger into the melted wax and it won't burn you. It'll be hot...I mean it IS melted wax...but it won't BURN you.

So, anyone reading this...even y'all from Canada and the US...who is interested in getting in on this exciting business...give me a shout out!

For all the US people out there, if you sign up before the 30th of November or the first 2500...which ever comes first...you'll receive your demonstrator kit, a value of $360, for only shipping and handling costs. The only thing you need to do is sell $1000 worth of product, usually done within your first 3 parties, in the first 42 days after receiving your kit, to keep your kit for free. UK and Canada people, this opportunity may be available to you, check the website at www.goldcanyoncandle.com.

To sign up without going through me, head out to Gold Canyon's website, click become a demonstrator, and when asked for demonstrator name use BENHASE and demonstrator ID # use 441898.

Happy and Blessed Reformation Day!!

Luther said it best when he said:

"Unless I am convinced by the testimony of the Holy Scriptures or by evident reason—for I can believe neither pope nor councils alone, as it is clear that they have erred repeatedly and contradicted themselves—I consider myself convicted by the testimony of Holy Scripture, which is my basis; my conscience is captive to the Word of God. Thus I cannot and will not recant, because acting against one's conscience is neither safe nor sound. God help me. Amen."


May everyone who reads this have a blessed day in the Lord!

The yum that is James Marsters

Oh he's delicious...



Isn't he?



And one more...just so I can drool when I see my blog. :o)



Ah hell, who am I kidding...another one...'cause I know you're drooling too...

This is for you, DogMom

Just 'cause I loves youse...



There...did I make you smile?

and of course I got side tracked

I am a Violet What Flower Are You?

Random Product Reviews

So. I've been playing Guild Wars for about a month now. Love it. Have 2 of the games, Nightfall and Factions. Both excellent, both not as hard as one would expect. And the best part? They have free online play. Free. You buy the game and play online for free. Love it.

And then there's the James Marsters cd Civilized Man. Again, I love it. I think I've listened to it about a bazillionty times since Wed and it just keeps getting better. I can not WAIT for Like a Waterfall which debuts tonight in LA. Sure hope my copy arrives SOON!!! I highly recommend finding a copy of Civilized Man and seeing for yourself how wonderful Mr. Marsters really is. The man pretty much has it all, looks, voice, acting ability...now, I wanna see him dance. And if I could work in a kiss...LOL

OOH. Stash Tea's Decaf Pumpkin Spice is really pretty good. Sort of a holiday type chai. Not much pumpkin in there but lots of the pumpkin pie type spices. Head on out and get yourself some. It's really worth it.

I know I had other reviews...of course now I can't remember any of them. LOL And as it's 03:33 I think I should toddle off to bed.

g'nite all!

What is it with people?

Huh? I mean, after you've been bugged to tell your deepest darkest secret,you open your heart, you tell things you swore you'd never tell another living soul and then *BAM* they turn on you.

Or they just ditch you. Toss you out like yesterday's news. Decide "oh, I don't want to be your friend anymore."

Could be that, in the "interest" of being your "friend" they toss your secret back into your face and tell you what a horrible person you are for having said, done, been...whatever.

I just don't get it, folks. Why are people so damn hateful? Why can't they see that, even though *I* may be different in one way or another, I'm really still the same person they knew before they badgered my secret from me.

I'll just never understand people. And yeah, if you're reading this, you know who the hell you are.

Oh yeah...Kitty update

Aggie came through the surgery just fine. She had 3 teeth pulled and was spayed and micro-chipped. She's such a little trouper. :o)

I've been giving her the antibiotics and can say that she's thoroughly unimpressed with me shooting the stuff in her mouth. Poor punkin. But she's been really good about everything and only growled a little bit at me today. M's not at ALL good at scruffing her or helping in any way shape or form, so I get to be the "bad guy" and give everyone the meds.

Willow is a little scared of both Mike and I. I think her recent trip to the vet gave her the wiggins. Silly little sweetie. She'll snuggle with M but Mommy seems to be the "Big Bad", as Spike would say. *sigh* She'll let me cuddle her IF I can catch her. So I've been bribing her with treats and letting her know that Mommy is the "bringer of all things nummy" :o) It seems to be helping.

Started everyone on lysine today. 1/2 a capsule in everyone's food but Aggie's. Aggie gets a full 500mg every day. I sure hope this helps everyone!

Not bad...Not bad at all

So. After 3 weeks (well 6 really) of stuffing my feelings down with food and Halloween candy and ignoring my WWers stuff, I decided to Take Back Control. (more on that later)

Went to Weight Watchers today and found I've ONLY gained 4.5 lbs. WOO HOO! I was expecting something like 10. So you can imagine that I'm really okay with the 4.5. :o)

Got home and I've had 1/2 my water for the day and a bowl of, ug, oatmeal. I usually like the oatmeal but it wasn't very good today. Maybe I used too much milk.

Anyway, I've got some TBC things I'm working on implementing. I'll share 'em later on once I've finished them all.

Yay! ONLY 4.5!!!

Vet time.

Well we took Aggie and Willow to the vet today. Willow got her kitten check up and Aggie was acting like she had something in her mouth and couldn't get it out.

Willow checked out fine. She has a little conjunctivitis but we have meds for that. She's going back in 2 weeks for her spay and microchip procedures. Xander gets to go too for his last set of kitten vaccines.

Aggie has dental problems. She's staying overnight tonight, they're going to fix her teeth, spay her and microchip her. Then she has to stay over tomorrow night as well.

*sniff sniff* I miss my Aggie!!

M told me tonight that he's really happy we got the kittens. Willow was languishing at the shelter...she was only 1.5 lbs at 12 weeks! She's already put on another 1.5 and is willing to eat just about anything we give her. M said that he's glad we get to be her Mommy and Daddy and he's just enchanted with both her and Xander. Xander loves to lay on Daddy's lap and purr purr purr. Willow rode on Mommy's shoulder in the car and was a total angel girl.

So, now it's pray and wait for Aggie to come through the surgery. I miss her. Poor sweetiekins!

Kae

*sigh*

I'm sleepy and bored. Not a good combo because when I'm bored, I don't feel like sleeping and when I'm sleepy I don't feel like doing anything constructive. I have laundry I could be washing, beads I could be making, jewelry projects to work on, decluttering to do...but I don't want to do any of them. It's Sunday, a day of rest and relaxation.

Actually, what I WANT to do is go to Michaels for a bit jewelry demonstration they're doing. M says he'll take me but he doesn't know what HE would do. I told him to just take the DS and I'll be out as soon as I've seen everything. Which, knowing me, could take a couple of hours. LOL

So we're compromising. He's playing the DS right now (he's addicted to a card game called President) and I'm going to go and separate laundry for tomorrow's washing. Then we'll head out to Michaels and perhaps the grocery store (I have NOTHING to cook with...LOL) and then home for a light dinner and some more Buffy.

I'm loving Season 3 and we're only 2 dvds into the season. I know I don't care for the Faith storyline since I've seen the last half of the season...but once season 3 is over, Spike comes back! Yum. Lurve me some Spike.

OH! And I ordered the 2 James Marsters cds. If you haven't heard them, GO NOW to JamesMarsters.com and check out his website. Love his voice. Love it love it love it.

Anthony Stewart Head (Giles) also has a great cd out called Music for Elevators. Excellent stuff. Especially if you're into indie stuff. So need to find more indie bands for listening pleasures.

Another good indie band...a Christian one...is Lost and Found. (www.speedwood.com) Great music, unique sound, wonderful songs. Nothing bad in the bunch IMHO. LOVE them.

Okay. Now I'm just procrastinating. Off to sort filth and depravity.

Ahh what a day

Heh. I cleaned out M's car today. Harvested almost $47 in change. The man needs to remember to bring it INTO the house. LOL

Feels good to have the car cleaned out. I don't even know if he knows that I did it yet. Can't wait to see his expression. LOL Wish he'd wake up from his "nap" so we can go and vacuum it and wash it.

In other news, the kittens are rambunctious. Willow is really turning around and has already gained a half a pound! I really think that she was languishing at the pound and, if she hadn't been rescued, she'd have died soon. At 12 weeks, she was only 1.5 pounds. Now she'd 2 pounds! In only a week at home! *G* She loves to play "chase me" and will trill at you as she runs off. Silly girl.

Xander may eventually become Edgar II. M can't wrap his mind around "Xander" because Xan is very like Edgar I. I'm still holding out for Xander. It just fits him. He cuddled with me most of the night last night purring his heart out and sleeping on his back so I could rub his tummy. Silly little boy.

Man, the house seems so full now. The older cats, Aggie and Oscar, are slowly but surely getting used to the "wee beasties" as M calls them. I think I may try the Feliway for Aggie so she can calm down and just be the sweet puss that she is. She's such a special punkin' and Oscar is a good boy. He hisses a little when Xander scares him (Willow is scared of Oscar. I don't blame her! He's 17 lbs of cat. She's only 2! LOL) but doesn't hit or growl.

I can't believe it's been almost a week since we got them. Sweet babies all of them.

Sad day

I left a group of friends today. They were friends inside my computer, friends I'd never met. But they were friends. People who have gone through the traumatic times these past 2 years.

There were some comments made that were taken out of context. Feelings were hurt, things were said in the heat of the moment, things said that should have been left unsaid, especially in a public forum...

I'm going to miss them. I'm going to miss the fact that I could reach out when I had something to say. To let them know the little details of my day. To hear about their day.

But I can't be around some of the negative things that are going on there. And I don't want to be thought of as "that bitch".

So I've let go.

I hurt. But I'll be okay.

another picture

This is Willow. She's very into getting her picture taken. Xander is still at the shelter waiting for his neutering. They wouldn't allow me to bring them both home at the same time since they were opposite sex kittens. *sigh* But he'll be home tomorrow night!

Picture of the new babies

I'm a Mommy again!

So M and I decided to give a home to two sweet kitties. They're 11 weeks old and are "twins". Xander and Willow are our two sweeties.

Oscar and Aggie aren't quite sure what to think. There's been a bit of hissing but no one has hit anyone yet. *G*

Cutie pies at the shelter

I took this video of some wee ones on Saturday. They were so funny wanting to suck on my fingers. The little bold one (usually on the left of me) would suck my finger and then start backing up like "hey, come in HERE!" LOL They were adorable.

Much better

Thanks to all who read the blog and emailed me. I really am better now! *G*

I went to the Doc and told her all about the crap I've been feeling and she switched my medication. So I'm still on meds for the anxiety but now I have something that's taking care of the depression as well. And it won't affect my...uh..."love" life.

*blush*

Of course, good news just can't come without bad news too.

Got my blood test results back from the doc. My HDL is too low (like REALLY low) and my LDL is high (but not extremely so.) So, more low fat dieting (hooray for WWers! I think I'm going to try CORE) and I need to get off my fat white butt and exercise!

Other bad news ('cause you don't think life would just hand me something I could actually take care of right?) Grandma is in the hospital with a possible bowel obstruction. She's most likely going to have to have surgery. *sigh* She's 87 and not in the best of health even though she's as sassy as ever. *G* I love my Grandma...want to have as much energy as she usually has when *I* am 87.

So, if anyone who reads this could PLEASE pray for her? I'd be most appreciative!

So what's changed?

I feel nothing.

Well, that's not precisely true. I feel sadness. An ever deepening sense of not giving a shit about everything and anything.

I feel lost. Alone. Unwanted. Unhappy. Uncaring. Uncared for. A lot of other Un stuff.

I stuff myself thinking that the hole inside of me will be filled up. And it is. Filled with loathing, self hatred, despair, anger, hatred, frustration.

I was doing so well. I was happy, losing weight, feeling and getting healthy. Why? Why the fuck can't satan leave me alone. Stupid asshole has no right to play with me. Has no right to make me feel like this. I can't fight anymore. I can't...

Note to self...movie to see

P.S. I Love You.

Yeah, just 'cause James Marsters is in it. But still. He's a fabulous actor.

Mmm.

Meloncholia

You were here last night, in my dreams, holding me, laughing with me, kissing me.

We lay there, in my dream, in blissful silence. Just together one more time.

And then the alarm rang and you were gone. I don't know if you will ever return, if I'll ever feel your lips on my neck, your arms wrapped around me holding me close, keeping me safe, making me weak.

Where are you now?

It's been 2 years today

2 years ago today I was admitted to the hospital for severe anemia and a blood clot in my leg. I was 35 years old.

Today marks the 2nd anniversary of my ordeal with chronic anemia, blood clots, coumadin (BLECH) and cancer.

All in all, it's been a difficult 2 years. I've had to learn about sudden intense food allergies, (black pepper) How to cope with chronic debilitating pain, coping with memory problems, the inability to drive anywhere by myself because I can't focus and I tend to forget I'm driving...while I'm driving.

But, the learning has helped me realize that I'm strong. I CAN cope with the pain, the memory loss, the constant exhaustion and the other various things that have gone on with my body. I've learned to deal with humiliation (like pooing myself in a store because of the radiation, or having to sit on a "litter box" (bed pan) in front of a doctor. Heck, being naked for just about every doctor visit for a year and a half. Body issues? Heh.)

I've learned what it means to be ALONE, and yet, I've learned just how much my family and friends love me.

For what it's worth, I'm grateful to that stupid blood clot.

Weight. Watching it go UP, watching it go DOWN

So I missed weigh in today. I KNEW I was going to gain because I've been half assing the program and being all hedonistic in my eating and thinking "like who really cares if I shovel down 10 handfuls of m&m's?" Or "I REALLY want the breakfast bar at Frisch's and since it's Saturday I don't have to worry about points.

And so I've gained. MY scale says it's 3-4 lbs in the last week. That's not good. Of course you know that I, being who I am, had the mental thoughts of "well, M loves me anyway" and "well, I've blown it so who gives a flying one? I'm just going to quit."

Then, today when I was heading to the 'fridge for something I didn't really want and wasn't even hungry for, that would make me feel sick if I ate it, I saw a little slip of paper that I guess M put up there. It's a slip from a fortune cookie and it says "Don't give up. Everyone is rooting for you!"

Man. That made the whatever it was that I was going to eat (and it really WAS whatever. I had no clue what my hand was going to pull out when I reached into the 'fridge, but I'd have eaten it.) just seem not that important. I made a quicky inventory of my tum and, would you believe it, I wasn't hungry. *G* So I grabbed a diet vernors and came into the computer room to do some organizing.

Organizing is my new kick it seems. I'm really enjoying the feeling of purging things that aren't needed, wanted or even remembered. Clutter is much less even if I only purge for 5 minutes.

So, thinking about that, now I have a desire to purge my mind of all those damn negative thoughts that Satan insists on putting in there. I have to remember that I'm not doing this for anyone but me. I have to learn to forgive myself, get on with losing the weight because I WANT to lose it for my health. And really, to be honest, I want to look sexy too. :o)

He sticks like glue

Snug. Secure. Attached. Connected. Immovable. Bonded. Superglued.

These words describe the way that sticky stuff takes 2 separate objects and makes them one.

I like these words. Especially since they describe my relationship with God during some really tough times in my life. God never gives up on us no matter how hard we try to get ourselves loose. God just does not let go.

Which isn't to say that He controls everything we do like putting a bridle on a horse or a leash on a dog. He gives us each common sense and a spirit that can communicate with His.

When we go through afflictions, He lets us choose our response and no matter what that choice is, He sticks around to the bitter end.

I've often thought, as I've been randing at God about how unfair life is and "Darn it God, why is it always ME???", that God is smiling at me and thinking , "Go ahead. Wear those ranty pants. I can take it and I'll still be here when you're done."

And He is. Every time.

We can take solace in the fact that God is close. He isn't going anywhere no matter how scary things get. He can be there in a heartbeat if needed.

That must be how Job felt when he said "Though he slay me, Yet I will hope in him. (Job 13:15 KJV) Job trusted God even when the worst that could happen, DID happen. Or what Abraham was feeling when he took his son up the mountain to sacrifice him, to make the ultimate sacrifice to the Lord.

How hard the emotional battles must have been for these men. From the raw material of pain, grief and loss, their words of faith were wrested from them.

Our afflictions are not designed to break us. They are designed to bend us toward the eternal, the holy.

God sticks with us through it all. Even when we don our "ranty pants".

The Apostle Paul said that, no matter how much we try to pry ourselves loose, God doesn't separate from us.

(Romans 8:35, 38-39 NIV)

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Dear God,
Thank you for sticking to us like glue even when we rant and rave against life's unfairness. Help us to remember that "Nothing can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

In Jesus' Name we pray,
Amen.

Rest in Peace Madeline

And thank you for all the wonderful memories I have of Meg and Charles Wallace, Calvin and the twins Sandy and Denny.

The Ring of Endless Light...A Wind in the Door...A Wrinkle in Time...Some of my childhood favorites.

Rest in Peace Madeline. We'll miss you.

New York Times story

Oh MY GOODNESS!

What a hungry kitty cat!

What a weekend!

Not that we did anything spectacular or anything. Himself took me to a couple of Half Price Books Bookstores and I loaded up on hardbacks of favorite books and a few new things to tide me by when I have nothing to read. (you just can't have a day with nothing to read!!!)

Also picked up a 8 translation parallel Bible for under $20. It's only the New Testament but it's really cool to have all these translations in one place. It even has the Holman Christian Standard version and the Message. I like the Message for a good paraphrase...for when you just want to have something in everyday language. It's not a good version for Bible study and it has many things that I don't really agree with...but it's nice to have for those times when you want to read of God but don't have the patience to read a more thorough translation.

Hmm. Finally finished my "Maggie Kelly and Viscount St. Just" collection. Maggie Without a Clue was evading my attempts to buy it in hardback! But the HPB in Mason (I'd never been there...it's NICE) had a copy. YOINK! It's now happily on my bookshelf.

The "books for a book-less day" books are Debbie Macomber's Cedar Cove series. I love Debbie but haven't gotten into these books. I decided to buy them all (except for the very newest one which they didn't have) since I know once I get into them I won't be able to stop. *G* Potato chip books.

Oh and a new copy of Jim Butcher's Dresden Files "Storm Front". If you haven't read of Wizard Harry Dresden...RUN...do NOT walk to your nearest library, bookstore, used bookstore (if you can find them there!) and get them. You won't be sorry. They're fun, a little scary and quite intense at times. LOVE Harry. LOVE Bob. Too much fun.

Other than that, my weekend was a 'bore'. I was to teach Sunday School Sunday, had my lesson all ready to go and...NO kids showed up. I was a little upset. Not mad upset but sad upset. I love teaching and *sigh* wish I could have done it Sunday. *G* But, seeing as it was Labor Day weekend and all, I realize most people were out of town. Not to mention Pastor D was preaching and...he tends to get quite windy and rather "off track". He forgot to give the common cup at my communion table. We had to remind him. *sigh* I love him though. It's nice to hear him preach again. I will, however, be glad that Pastor F. will be back next Sunday. *G*

Lunar Eclipse

I just got in from watching the eclipse. Watched from start to completely full. Oh wow. I love things like this.

It was so cool to see the moon being "eaten up" a bit at a time. And then that last breathtaking moment just as the last tiny sliver slips away and you can see the glow of red-orange fire...

All I could think was "how magnificent are your works O Lord"

All Himself could say was "that's it? I didn't expect it to reflect that much light."

He's so unromantic.

But the eclipse. Way cool.

Now, sleep. I'm way tired.

Strange Dreams...

So, I've been dreaming a lot lately. Strange dreams full of weird things.

Latest dream has me laying next to the road in a bank of grass writing a letter to someone I "know" (read know of) on a message board. Someone comes along and I realize that it's the replacement Pastor for this week at Church. (Actually, Pastor IS out of town but our replacement is one of our retired members who is a former Pastor.) Turns out this guy is someone else I know from the same message board. So I take him home with me and try my darnedest to make him comfortable and stuff. Getting him something to drink (he was in a hooded parka while walking along so I offered him cocoa but he turned that down saying it was way too hot for cocoa. Which it is. But then, why the parka? This was never answered.) like kool-aid and trying to get things all ready for him to be up the next day for church. He scoffed at every offer. *roll eyes* (now I know this guy on the message board is a nice guy and wouldn't be a dick...but?)

Anyway, somehow Pastor is there and he yelled at me for being topless (!) in front of the Pastor sub. I have no clue.

Switch the dream to going grocery shopping. People I know from the library, hospital and other places are milling around looking at this billboard and acting all excited. I ask "what's going on?" and someone told me that "Jesus is coming back in the form of the new Pope!!" To which I (rightly) tried to explain that the Pope is NOT Jesus, no matter WHAT he tries to say.

It kept going on like that until I woke up with tears on my face from frustration at trying to get people to listen to me that the Pope is not God...he isn't Jesus. He can't save anyone!

But no one would listen. And then other "savior" types started into the mix...which is when I woke up.


Sometimes I wonder if our dreams ARE like the prophets of old...not all the time but...sometimes...

This is just too cute

Yay me! LOL

You're The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe!

by C.S. Lewis

You were just looking for some decent clothes when everything changed
quite dramatically. For the better or for the worse, it is still hard to tell. Now it
seems like winter will never end and you feel cursed. Soon there will be an epic
struggle between two forces in your life and you are very concerned about a betrayal
that could turn the balance. If this makes it sound like you're re-enacting Christian
theological events, that may or may not be coincidence. When in doubt, put your trust
in zoo animals.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Memory...or not

Don't you hate it when you have a really good idea that you want to blog about but, as soon as you sit down at the computer the idea flies out of your head?

*sigh* I'm ready for a new brain. One that won't forget everything 2 seconds after I think it.

*G*